Standing in the breadline Forgotten by fancy (former?) friends Stubbornly starving (doing just fine) They have their means but I have my ends
Keep those pearls from the swine Since they Would only step on them anyway God knows they have theirs but just let me have mine
(Not disinterested parties I daresay)
With the defenseless no one defends Where nobody can spare a dime Today For poetry nor paradigm
Standing in the breadline Left to marvel at the mystery Of why Suddenly they choose to be rejecting me (Punitive and disproportionate) They have chosen the wrong side of history (Literarily unfortunate)
As I Falling in (fallen out?) standing there Politely with a part in my hair Standing in the breadline
Start
To
Cry
(But by God I will never let them see)
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 18, 2008, 5:10 pm
Within the Labyrinth
The way it is today is not the way It has always been nor will always be It is only the way it is today Nor is it the only reality
You might want to leave but might as well stay Await another possibility So as not to miss the end of this play In which you take the stage alongside me
Sometimes I wonder if we really are Here or if this is all an illusion Or I wonder if I wandered too far Into a labyrinth of confusion
But then what else am I supposed to do? I follow my nose to see where it goes It might still lead to a dream come true Both best and worst is that nobody knows
Until it happens when it is too late And when it happens is when we find out Nobody wins an argument with fate So we have nothing to worry about
We have to see what happens when it does And not before nor after only then Never mind what will be nor how it was We were happy once and will be again
Within the labyrinth at every turn I realize I really have no choice But to be myself as I live and learn And asking questions I have found my voice
I have no idea what else I might find Or what I might lose and yet I have this Some people tell me I have lost my mind And I tell them how it felt like a kiss
We act and react we watch ourselves walk And we wonder where we are walking to We write our own roles we hear ourselves talk And we wonder who we are talking to Sometimes I want to leave but I will stay Await another possibility So as not to miss the end of this play
I look out to the audience and see To my surprise a face which I know well There is no one out there except for me The critic who makes this heaven or hell
While up on the stage I wander between And how it will end nobody can tell But my fellow actors know what I mean Since like our audience we are the same
We try to leave us laughing as we go Our only difference being the name We give it as we go on with the show With no one to credit no one to blame Except ourselves but then we never know Within the labyrinth at every turn Awaits another line for us to learn
I have to see what happens when it does And not before nor after only then Never mind what will be nor how it was I was happy once and will be again
Within the labyrinth at every turn I must be myself as I live and learn
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 16, 2008, 3:45 pm
A Curious Heart in the Sunshine
A curious heart in the sunshine Receives what the afternoon gives Even a sad old heart like mine Enjoys how the other half lives As I look up and they look down At the yin and yang of my town
In each other we are complete As one complements the other Who choose or choose not to compete And I (as the black sheep brother) Put it all into poetry For them (but I save some for me)
If you are reading this you know At least a little of my fate Some fancy folk would see me go
They ought to know I have a date With all of them (whom I love so) I need to be here nor be late Since very soon is my next show This is how I make my living I get what I get by giving
Whether or not they pay I stay And even in pain I remain Because this is where I belong I have always been here (if queer) The afternoon gave me this song They need to learn to share this day
(If you are reading this you know At least a little of my fate Some fancy folk would see me go)
But I will teach them anyway (Again and again and again) A curious heart in the sunshine Is one able to see things clear Even a sad old heart like mine Can see the truth: they need me here
As I look up and they look down At the yin and yang of my town
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 15, 2008, 6:28 pm
Oh God (Are You Still There?)
Borne by nightmare and blown ashore To darkened day bloodstained by dream Frozen inside this silent scream I cannot rise to bear one more Cycle of fear's insanity Sleeping waking weeping breaking
And so I pray if silently Through my cold sweat through my shaking: Oh God (are you still there?) help me!
Please tell me I am not alone Kiss these my disappointed eyes With hope to help me realize You have been watching (have you known?) Stoop down to heal me set me free So it no longer hurts to be
And so I pray if silently Through my cold sweat through my shaking: Oh God (are you still there?) help me!
Make this my broken heart your own And let it bloom a butterfly Up to the sun before I die Lift me again to love to trust You Lord of life beyond my dust To rise once more since rise I must
And so I pray if silently Through my cold sweat through my shaking: Oh God (are you still there?) help me!
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 12, 2008, 8:10 pm
This Quixotic Quest Called Poetry
Nobody believes in me except for God and you But as long as he will lead me and you will read me I have everything I need to make my dream come true They used to call me lazy now they call me crazy I admit to the latter but it does not matter Nothing can stop me from doing what I came to do I was sent and so I went and here I am today To write my songs and right my wrongs: this is the way I pray
I cannot see the road ahead but simply follow The steps the living and the dead have traced before me With the certain tread of sky above and earth below Beside the sea and through the fire into destiny The elements in equipoise God and you and this Quixotic quest called poetry which is nothing less Than the reason I exist this madness I confess This existential ecstasy which we share like a kiss
Share with me please bear with me stay with me through this night God and I believe in you: come let us look for light
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 10, 2008, 1:06 pm
Poetic License
I live on the knife of life not the fence Each day is a dangerous trip for me While each night is an existential fight Wrestling with the angel of destiny
Life has been frightening hard and intense Looking in dark and deep places for light Some drugs some alcohol some decadence But mostly stubborn striving for the best Doing what I do with all of my might Which I pray God might mitigate the rest
I will not complain nor need I explain And somehow I think things might turn out right In any case right for my poetry Let them call the rest poetic license
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 8, 2008, 1:30 am
Without into Within
Those who believe in it keep insisting On the reality I keep resisting Because it could simply never be mine Though apparently for them it seems just fine As their only way for me to break my fall
And I suppose it makes sense of a kind To them anyway never mind to my mind So they relentlessly keep persisting But it is an argument no one can win How could one imagine one size would fit all?
This leads me to ask of reality How many are you? Have you one to fit me? And when you happen when do you begin? To me reality seems a size too small When fitted from without into within
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 6, 2008, 1:47 pm
Paradox
I who have little see one who has none And wonder which is the fortunate one Our coin has one side for bad one for good One of us falling one of us leaning I have never understood the meaning If there is meaning to be understood
I look white yet I am a cousin of Langston Hughes in a paradox I love A family tree of poetic wood With T. S. Eliot and others too Possibly even a cousin of you My neighbor in our human neighborhood
I am going through a terrible time But others are going through even worse I try to line my lifelines up by rhyme In my syllable-counting universe The only place I have control is here Where poetry is fashioned from my fear
When times were better I would sing of light Of drawing a sword if only in pen But now there seems no sword to put things right Although I draw it again and again In pencil imperfectly and erased To leave little but bitter aftertaste
And so I struggle stumbling though the dark A cousin of poets who would be one Still trying to protect such little spark As left me until a fire has begun At which time I might sing of light once more To do again what I once did before
If there is meaning to be understood Will I ever understand the meaning? Am I falling now or only leaning? The coin has one side for bad one for good I with my little see one who has none And wonder which is the fortunate one
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Jan 3, 2008, 11:16 am
Compassion Fatigue
Those things you think so therefore think you see Concrete with your own eyes as though complete As how it is so far from me so near To you which you then call reality An inescapable cage at the zoo Which you find conclusive so you repeat As though I have to hear them slow to hear Stay stubbornly invisible to me You say it is hopeless but I will not
I know your numbers add the way they do And threaten as you say no matter what Then you add your threat of subtracting you Which you will insist is not a threat but Merely how merely my life has to be I still remember one thing you forgot I still believe my miracle will come You say it is hopeless but I will not
If you have no hope left I still have some You tried to help me and you give up now I love you and I thought you loved me too But I have to make my last stand somehow And now I find myself out of your league You tire of me now as of compassion With warm words yet with eyes so cold so clear I am alone again in my fashion You say it is hopeless but I will not
Although as you know I was once like you You judge me as unworthy to be here I fell through the cracks down out of your league Although before you were right here I was Now a victim of compassion fatigue Still I remain if victimized in pain Although judged as unworthy to be here If just to show the world (and you) again
You say it is hopeless but I will not
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVIII
Dec 31, 2007, 6:30 pm
Birthday Meditation
31 December MMVII
It was better than it could have been and Yet it could have been better than it was But what it was and is (which is my hand As dealt me) was to become my because
The answer which I came to understand To "Why am I here?" My quest and my cause Is but to leave it better than I found It waiting for me to take up and be (If sometimes squalid at other times grand) Whatever I want now as I set free My destiny found lying on the ground As a wrapped gift by the side of the road
This compass which tells me where I am bound How best to bear the burden share the load Life gave me I must wear upon my back This knowledge I need in order to grow And how to love and live with what I lack Or rather without what others might know Who spoke into the dark without a sound And told nothing since no one told them so
But that was back before I came around I mean to make some noise before I go And not go quietly into the dark If there is to be fire I am the spark
Have I lived long enough? (How about you?) I have not yet learned how to be a man Despite what I have done and what I do So I must keep doing the best I can Although it might not be enough at last And not go quietly into the dark Into the dreary dustbin of the past If there is to be fire: I am the spark
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 29, 2007, 4:33 pm
Water Music
My ashes soon will join the sea I always enjoyed the beach And passed my Sea Stones out for free Such as I could afford to And though I subtly sought to teach Daresay I never bored you
I was not much but what I was Brought us more credit than blame I hope you will remember me And smile when you say my name
My reach fulfilled its grasp because My nights and days were the same I saw the stars in squadrons storm To scrub the sky and scour me I sang the sea informed by form And felt its waves empower me
My own Ash Wednesday sacrament Will settle to the seabed The equipoise we spoke and meant In all those poems we read
As death from life is different I will go to sea instead And when I do remember please That joy of understanding When we shared poems such as these Hearts pure and undemanding
Beneath the lamplight late at night There was magic in the air We spoke our hearts and heard them right Now to be heard everywhere
Keep those old chewed-up manuscripts I gave you and think of me Poets like us are not for crypts But to be part of the sea
My life your love our sea as one In true triangularity Will meet in the seaweed's tangle Red seaweed dusted grey with me Where jellyfish streamers dangle Then rock the boat with a party
If when you pour some of me blows away Sea breeze will breathe me in and it will say:
"We have a taste for poetry As he who went to sea at last Borne on my breath and carried free Into the future from the past The elements in harmony"
The sea will sing informed by form Eternity empower me The stars will swirl down in a swarm Bright fireflies to devour me As glorious life victorious loves me free
My beautiful children all I love you so Celebrate your lives and mine when I must go
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 27, 2007, 3:30 pm
Son of a Gun
to Amanda Cardona for her twenty-fifth birthday
They say he first worked for the bad guys then He saw he could work for the good guys when They called him up not caring right from wrong So slaughtered for both sides silent and strong Since all he ever wanted was to kill And this hunger was shared by other men
When he found out the good guys were worse than The bad guys then he asked what kind of man He was and his answer was to go mad As honest killers have done and do still His heart and mind broke beyond good and bad Beyond the black breakwater of the will
I can finally understand him now But used to seek to summon him somehow To disappear imagined enemies Who were not amenable to reason One of my absent father fantasies A childhood nightmare of killing season
And so my father Wallace Dean Lance was A hitman for the cause of just because Which seemed I suppose like reason enough And now he is dead as I will die too Should such time come as I can bear no more Until then that which keeps me here is you
You and a certain curiosity My hitman father passed along to me Since I am here with my ticket paid for Past pain to remain until our play ends To place my rhyme in space and time and soar Because unlike my father I have friends
Not friends with connections nor friends with guns People like that are not friends anyway Who go away when the going gets tough But friends like you who are genuine ones With whose help I am able to get through The night that I might live a better day
Son of a hitman bad good and then mad My father's life seems meaningless and sad And though I have killed no one that you know It is hard to stay and easy to go Meaning costs more in the market these days If I could afford some I would be glad
Balancing here on the blade of always I mean to make atonement for the sin Which burns in the blood of my family And would prevent me before I begin But there is a certain stubbornness in A son of a hitman a son like me
If it can be done then I am the one To balance the wheel: a son of a gun
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 24, 2007, 10:39 am
Healing Waters
I found out last night I have lost everything I lie on my bed and my cat lies on me Through a weeping window which used to be mine I can hear the Christmas bells of my church ring I sigh here instead by a cup of cold tea With faint hope of favor human or divine
Yet faint though it is it is hope just the same Its spark fanned by the fact that people read me Some who have suffered have come to trust my name I hope they know I need them if they need me And I feel like they can understand my shame
As I must leave my home now and slip away Some other hurt hearts share this hurt poetry These sharp and bloody shards of who I once was Of who I am and we are even today We are not dead yet and I still have my cat My readers know how much I thank God for that
I will get up and go to the Plaza now A place as improbable as me because It survived through purity of heart somehow And it only exists to make things better At a time when it seems things could be no worse
Stray drops from the fountain mingle with my tears There is love and beauty in the universe Teardrop by teardrop and letter by letter No matter what we win and lose through the years Healing waters of the only home I know Kiss my face one more time before I must go
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 23, 2007, 10:02 am
Right Where You Are
If you enter a door You exited before Do you go anywhere If no one knows you went? You go out and come in Receiving what is sent But not from here to there In linearity
Although you may go far Should the journey allow The point along the way As you follow your star Is not to go somewhere But to be the wise say Not to end nor begin Never early nor late At the corner where now Intersects with your fate
Recipient of grace Your purpose is to be Now you are everywhere And yet nowhere somehow To neither lose nor win But both to go and stay In a state without place In the smile on your face
To be right where you are
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 20, 2007, 6:04 pm
I Finally Wept for My Father Today
I finally wept for my father today The one who abandoned me when I was young When he was young too then the years had their way With us both while to the last he held his tongue As I did but the silence is broken now
He was my father even though he was wrong Time passed us and in the end would not allow The reunion I hoped for yet feared so long But the silence between us is broken now Like my mother's heart so many years ago
Sometimes I feel I can hear the voices of All of my dead loved and lost known and unknown One of those things no one can prove but just know What it feels like more than anything is love Speaking in the silence when I am alone
Which makes me wonder what to be alone is And if the next voice I might hear might be his
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 19, 2007, 3:13 pm
Being Me
I
I am embarrassed to seem a failure When so many had been expecting me Or maybe it was just my family
To have made them proud might have been the cure But they were honest and they said they were
And now they have all gone into the light As I have gone further into the dark I will live simply and sleep in the park
Although a failure is what I might seem I am still here now and I can still dream
II
If poor and sick and uncomfortable Having made rather a mess of living I am not one of the irritable Who seem to prefer getting to giving
I give away such as I have to give Which could be why I have so little now Having hit bottom deciding to live Against bad odds and good advice somehow
Everybody knows what is best for me But I have to follow my destiny
III
My grandma thought it was I was too smart She and her doctor were worried for me Life broke my mind just like it broke her heart
I think my mother saw how it would be But she married my father after all
My grandpa was not my grandfather but With that perspective could see that my fall Would lift my people up no matter what
What they all wanted was to make it right But ran out of time as day became night
IV
My children love me and I love them too They watch me curiously anyway One eye made proud one blind by what I do I think one or two of them might still pray
The future is impossible to see In fact the present is pretty hazy As the past slips slowly from memory Every now and then someone goes crazy
Since someone has to do it I will be Myself since I am best at being me
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 18, 2007, 7:56 pm
Yes
Each day its world each life its universe Which may turn upside down at any time Where everything changes in a heartbeat Often for better and sometimes for worse
Fortune can turn in shadowed pantomime To prowl down an unfamiliar street Where possibilities are limitless And all one has to pay is to say yes
I want to live in the affirmative At least I would like to try it awhile After so long in its alternative They say it takes less energy to smile
At least in that way a conservative When it comes to shown emotion and such I never had the optimistic touch But I would live well if I am to live
Nor do I think I am asking too much Where possibilities are limitless If only here today or so they say Since I am here I will stay and say yes
Yes to the future and yes to the past To the only gift which I can afford This present always opened first and last The process of life in a single word
And all one has to pay is to say yes
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 17, 2007, 2:54 pm
Evolution Revolution
for and against those pictured within
What is it about the slamming of doors Which characterizes bullies and boors? What is it about the dread of it all Which keeps us from walking down the dark hall?
A certain unevolved stupidity Which takes delight in slamming and scaring Belching and farting cursing and swearing Would love to be the death of you and me
So lock up the doors the bullies and boors And know the world is not theirs but is mine and yours The world is wise and it belongs to us However hard the unevolved might fight and fuss
So duck 'em and buck 'em and F**K 'em and never you mind: Rear up on those hind legs of yours and leave the apes behind!
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 15, 2007, 7:40 am
Suicide Note
My world is empty far as I can see My enemy is not outside but in I live incarcerated to die free I die to live and as I lose I win Another martyr of mortality
The reaper brings his scythe to lay me low But cuts me free to fall so I can fly My seed will sprout tomorrow bloom and grow My way of life turns out to be to die
Up through the disappointed atmosphere Of broken promises and poisoned dreams Up up and away and away from here Where hate enslaves and yet where love redeems
When there might seem to be no hope at all Then autumn comes to free the leaf to fall All that I am might seem like none at all But my autumn is here now and I fall To feed my seed of immortality
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 13, 2007, 4:08 am
Because We Share This
Is this for always or only tonight?
I have to be honest and tell you I Have never known of a time except now But when it is right then it will be right And when it is wrong we will smile and sigh
We take the bad to get the good somehow
Whether forever or just for now this Is something for always if only when Someday we remember this soft warm kiss As present past and future (now and then)
Live love and leave but live to love again
I suppose we were supposed to have met Remember December and tears like rain Nourishing the earth for another birth The earth has not seen the last of us yet
I love you more because we share this pain
I thought this was impossible until Sheltering under your hair on the train I tasted you but having tasted will Desire you who inspire me to this fire
For always if that is what you require
We know no regret nor can we forget This is for always and only tonight Always and only (we know this is right) Always and only if only tonight
I love you more because we share this pain
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 12, 2007, 9:53 am
Oops!
Of the people whom I find annoying The Recovering Fundamentalist Who would do good building by destroying Or the Closeted (False) Conservative Whose rules only count for the rest of us And who makes us dance for a chance to live I cannot tell which makes the greater fuss So two vie and tie for top of my list And I think these are equally to blame For making the world so wearisome now In fact they are likely one and the same
Pay no attention to what they allow For that would be nothing in any case And do what you jolly well please I say Attempting to enjoy yourself somehow Since that is what people do anyway Faith is not ordering people about Creation is not for those who destroy The truth is whispered (only liars shout) My God is broadminded and we enjoy Watching the bluenoses step in the shit Which they shat on us (for the hell of it)
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 10, 2007, 9:09 pm
The Quest
chorus mysticus
Until equipoise turns to ecstasy Solitude is taken as sacrament It is not loneliness alone with God Poised on a promise I pause to repent Embracing the fast the watch and the rod Alone with God and I will not relent While I must wrestle the mysteries of The quest which I have come this far to learn
A word beyond words of loves beyond love Is free to all who would dare to be kind Which none may earn but each may own in turn By treading where the immortals have trod Up steep winding paths to infinity Where I must make my pilgrimage alone Familiar with the moon if I would be Known in your heart as I am in my own
And when I know and am known I will see When you will too as everyone what I Was sent here for in the first place to find The answer to the riddle why we die And when we do what becomes of the mind Considering this question constantly If thoughts have wings then by these I will fly But I will not leave those I love behind
I will share it all and point to the sky Where I have been and hope to inspire you To find in your youth as I in my age Such gleanings as seem helpful good and true One gathers by the path of pilgrimage The point of it being to do the best We can remaining faithful to the quest Until equipoise turns to ecstasy
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 9, 2007, 8:03 am
Lonely Street
In the beginning it was bemusing To be disarrayed by humanity So new and overwhelming as it was For one knowing nothing of anything To be riding the rails of puberty Learning the rules of a dangerous game In time to come to become confusing
Thinking too much about why and because Which led then to a time of refusing To let myself feel what I knew was real To admit how beautiful it could be Acting as though my heart were made of steel When it was made of flowers blood and flame Convincing no one of the lie at all My need worn manifestly as my name With red autumn leaves beginning to fall
Now I admit how much it means to me To share an umbrella under the rain Since not of steel I hurt and bleed and feel I always knew but now I say it plain My eyes are open now and I can see What open eyes being honest reveal As I have loved so would I love again
Was what I heard an answer when I cried Or just an echo of a troubled mind Acting out some internal dialogue Explaining itself to be justified? Who is it who speaks to me in the night A whispered suggestion from far away Convicting me before I have been tried And telling me I must go free today Is someone there or is my mind not right?
The hunter by agreement with his dog Decided to leave the question behind But I wait for its answer every day Believing stubbornly hoping to find Among this world of words something to say Which might mean something to someone somehow I wonder if anyone understands
If you understand would you tell me now Out here as we hold our hearts in our hands? Where we stand awkward looking at our feet Where I wonder if we suffer in vain Beyond what now seems merely amusing We seem so lonely and in so much pain Together here alone on Lonely Street But insofar as the pain will allow As I have loved so would I love again
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 7, 2007, 10:03 pm
Still Open
To open to the possibility Of meaningful interaction in this Brief intermezzo of you and of me To maybe even seal it with a kiss Of cost to none of benefit to all Is what I want and how I want to be
Come share with me a secret for awhile A subtly-shared shining star we can call Our own whenever we see it and smile Or maybe an airplane flying somewhere So far away it might never get there Still open to the possibility
I know you and know you are lonely too Because inside of us we are the same As we seek each other as we must do We find the picture is shaped by the frame And of their stories which of them is true? No cash no credit no one is to blame
The angle of your cigarette indicts It whispers of a thousand eyes of night Down in the garden of earthly delights Eyes which have seen it all and like to fight About it whichever way they might feel Since I quit smoking those eyes seem unreal
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMVII
Dec 6, 2007, 6:42 pm
The Dow and the Tao
The Dow is not the Tao The free will pay a fee The wheel still turns for now But no one rides for free
No one is calling to my attention (Or at least not anyone I recall) Anyone paying attention to me Since I am several sizes too small So I will leave this sword of Damocles Hung by its hair in its timeworn tension To bring some other sucker to his knees
The elephant in the room I mention Since unmentioned it is there anyhow Has been for me I never got to be As I recall hearing my ex-wife say "Old enough for responsibility" Or something along those lines anyway Something involving immaturity
I lost what little I had hoped to win With no grey hairs at least not until then Serious worry had yet to begin Now thoroughly grey I still wonder when The adulthood of which she spoke kicks in Will life be like angry pigs in a pen Or orderly as a recycling bin?
The Tao is not the Dow Nor has it ever been The wheel turns still somehow Whatever that might mean
