I accept that I am meant to be alone The truth hurts but I take it with a sigh That I have no mate and it must be my fate To be solitary although not unknown I intend to be noticed before I die
You will hear of me someday early or late Although you laugh at me and wonder why Anyone would notice me since no one cares To be with me but destiny will show you That someday you will know me as I know you
Look at this page and tell me whose name it bears
Consider whose work you hold within your hands Echoes in your mind embraces your heart Do you realize that someone understands You? Someone has already become a part Of you and a spirit has joined with your own?
I accept that I am meant to be alone But it is also true I am alone with you
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
Jun 7, 2005, 6:01 pm
Transcendental Sonnet #1397: Farmer Sometimes
I weeded my backyard and I feel better By meeting some primal agrarian need The spirit of the act and not the letter The general and not particular weed I pulled them all nor did I discriminate
By manifest destiny my hand of fate Acting as grim reaper and it was cheaper Than having it done and a whole lot more fun Synthesizing vitamin D in the sun
A Lance as a farmer not wearing armor With calluses on my unaccustomed hands Tonight as I write: my neighbor understands I need to be a farmer sometimes he does too
It works for us and I think it might work for you
Good Morning Mr. Jones!
Expecting your daily grind You wake up in the morning And discomfited you find Overnight without warning You have gone out of your mind You notice your worldview starting to decay And you wonder if you wished your life away
But reality shatters And it no longer hurts you That nothing really matters Society deserts you But it does you a favor Because it has no flavor Or is it perhaps that you never had taste?
And is a mind a terrible thing to waste Really? Or does no one care? But you no longer worry Because you left yours back there And need no longer hurry Just to keep up with the Joneses anymore Because now you know the Joneses are a bore!
Was Me
The father sought to split and call it even When the sallow sick unwanted baby came The mother fought to fit and call it Steven And both of them thought it would die just the same Yet it did not to everyone's surprise But grew a fragile child with big brown eyes In spite of them and Steven was his name
The father's diamond eyes ice-blue and cold Look from the outside into where he is The brown-eyed mother never got to be old But lived through her child and her eyes are his Eyes of the mother reflected in the son Who never really has been loved by anyone Except for her the way they were was beautiful to see
As for the rest he did his best was dutiful: was me
Bloodstain
Whoever you were wherever you are I send you sweet kisses if from afar Remembering the magic we once shared You do not love me but are part of me
Because of you I lived and died and dared To live again so I embrace your pain Since it is all these empty arms hold now All you left me except for this bloodstain
You were the best and never mind the rest So I will take what our fate will allow And send you sweet kisses if from afar Whoever you were wherever you are
Transcendental Sonnet #1396: I Embrace My Life (If a Little Late)
The sun has come out much to my surprise I thought it would be gloomy all day long But life takes delight in lighting my eyes And when I feel weak making me feel strong
I just never know what I will see when I look out my window not until then Since it is always changing which is nice
None of us ever lives the same day twice And if I had to do it all again I would keep the pleasure but also the pain
All of it the way it is was meant to be There is no way to escape the hand of fate If I were not like this I would not be me So I embrace my life (if a little late)
Transcendental Sonnet #1395: Early Saturday in Early June
This early Saturday in early June The sky is gauzy as it is this time of year And grey but it will yet be sunny soon If not today then surely when July gets here
Where I live it is always like this on these days In early June these grey and gauzy Saturdays And I recall so many of them all so sweet Loved and lost at One Forty-Five North Cleveland Street But here is one today and there will still be more One day recalled as fondly as the ones before
I think the sun is trying to come out And I can feel that it is getting warmer now I want to stand on my front porch and shout I love you and to feel you love me too somehow
Transcendental Sonnet #1394: Erasers
The school year is ending and pencils sell cheap At the gigantic grocery store So I bought a lot of them and stacked them deep In my Grandma's old wooden desk drawer Pencils are things which are very hard to keep Enough of and I always need more
Not the pencils actually They last as long for me as anyone It is their erasers you see Which never last to their end once begun Confronted by uncertainty Without erasers I get nothing done
Pencils all over the house with their erasers rubbed flat... Write with no erasers? Even I am too smart for that...
Remiss Like This
A new friend once observed that I am diffident Would never force myself on you nor shout My capabilities unto the trees And that for an author this seemed different But I have a great deal to be modest about
I neither interview myself nor toot my horn Do not doodle my own ding-dong all the day But would rather listen to you about your kids And seldom Google myself since I was born To people without egos who did not believe in ids
...Except for my father who never would bother With me but we never noticed anyway...
Vanity of vanities! My vanity Is here somewhere I just cannot find it right now I misplaced it along with my sanity Until I find it I can muddle through somehow Remiss like this but I could sure use a kiss
Monstrosity
Monstrosity of a monster's deathwish Wearing hell's halo and hovering high Above a ruined planet's deathbed scene Mushroom cloud like a monstrous jellyfish Soaring like a damned angel in the sky Too late to contemplate what might have been But not too late to mourn what we have lost
Our lives were lies we could not bear the cost Of being our own gods and holding in These trembling hands the scales of grace and sin We dropped them and they clattered from our hands They shattered and I hope God understands And who am I you ask me who am I? Just someone who is too alive to die
So many times I asked you begged you why But each time and each day all you would say Is you knew best and I must join the rest Just keep my eyes down follow and obey But you have killed my world are killing me Monstrous jellyfish of a mushroom cloud I never knew what could make you so proud
But now I see you grin in victory A monster's deathwish a monstrosity
Seeds of Destruction
Here on the outside looking in Defeated before we begin Stand victims of the culture wars As ours is victimized by yours Of course you say yours is divine I wonder therefore what is mine?
That would be the opposite I suppose But only your God in your heaven knows Who tells you not to judge us but you fudge You know you are right and you never budge
Except when it fits your flexible fancy Which makes your certainty certainly chancy But that is just me espousing heresy And of course as for you we know what is true Hypocrisy as far as the eye can see You make the rules so you get to break them too
There on the inside looking out "Might makes right" was not very bright "Shock and awe" was the lock we saw The rock on which you broke the law Seeds of destruction seeds of doubt Now sprout as you turn out the light
Goodnight my conquerors sleep tight
Void
The void where the one I loved used to be From which she tore herself with violence Is one which cannot heal apparently A wound which defies all medical sense Or any other kind of sense at all A black hole into which all else is drawn A dead star all-consuming in this fall From which I wish to wake to find it gone
Yet from this hollow heart it never will Be gone nor lessen but always remain Suspending me thus terminally ill To know that I cannot be well again With only this to count on just this ache Of emptiness an everlasting pain Which although all else should my heart forsake Will always be yet not be here with me
The void where the one I loved used to be
Little Underestimated Me
To swim upstream to stubbornly resist The obvious defy all common sense Which says that it is hopeless to persist Against such grim determined and intense Unequal opposition as though fate Itself had set its jaw against me now I bet my life that it is not too late That there is still a chance for me somehow
I simply will not give up till I win For I have come too far to turn away I fight to the finish once I begin And I will win no matter what they say I have a lot of fight left in me still Though I might only make one step a day Step by step I will take another hill And no one will taste sweeter victory
Than little underestimated me
Transcendental Sonnet #1393: Tonight As I Look Back Upon Today
Tonight as I look back upon today I remember twenty-four hours ago I saw no hope could imagine no way For happiness I simply could not know Could not begin to see how I could be Within this quiet place I am of light I never dreamed tonight I would be free
The sun goes down but does not bring the night After itself as if to close the door The moon is rising and I hope for more Hope rises whether sun or moon I see Faith lights a candle whether rich or poor And love will bloom at midnight inside me Tonight with hope and faith to light the way
Transcendental Sonnet #1392: You Will Know When
Neither before nor after but only When the moment arrives and only then At the time appointed to the lonely Comes the companion and you will know when
But there is nothing for it but to wait No mortal can reset the clock of fate Stronger arms than mine timeless and divine Move turning hands to sweep across the face Of what has been what is and what will be
The challenge we face is to meet with grace Surprises borne within the mystery When the moment arrives and only then Hidden in those hands as for you and me Comes the companion and you will know when
Transcendental Sonnet #1391: Decoration Day
Memorial Day MMV
Our old flag from the Second World War Stands at attention by the front door Home alone here where my mother grew Up in those days of red white and blue To marry a man I never knew Who fought in that war and then one more And boxed and drilled and wrote poetry Between and afterward fathered me
Grandma called this Decoration Day Family would come from far away And we would take them to the graves of Those we remember honor and love Decorating them with memories As the ravens watched us from the trees
Dreams: Crossing Time and Death and Space
for Patricia Lance (1934-1998) my mother my friend
Whenever I sleep I dream Of my mother who has been Gone from this earth for seven Years now but lately I seem So lost as to what things mean
I know she is in heaven But I dream of her each night Maybe just a little light Escapes from where she is to Where I am in darkness here Since I hate to bother you With my loneliness and fear
Does this mean somehow she sees My life go from bad to worse And in moments such as these From across the universe Lets me know that she is there?
I know my mother would care That she would not forget me My father may regret me All I do is bother you But love can go anywhere Crossing time and death and space To dry these tears from my face
Sweet ladies I offer a proposition I hope you will understand my position As a man full-grown with children of my own Yet somehow a child myself and utterly At sea as to what is to be done with me
Would you have an idea any of you What a man in my position is to do?
If so could you share it and yourself with me See if we could somehow taste of ecstasy?
Is it too late for us to alter the fate Of being alone which so long I have known?
I am no living legend and no master My life sometimes resembles a disaster But my heart is true and I am seeking: you
+Steven Curtis Lance (714) 289-2892
Copyright MMV
May 28, 2005, 5:12 am
Tonight the Moon Hides Her Face
All right and very well it seems Love is not in the cards for me Empty promises broken dreams A childlike faith that destiny Would somehow bring me happiness But once more I learn the hard way There is no such thing more or less If only I could fade away And put an end to all this mess
It is amazing how much fuss And folly love requires of us But leaves us empty in the end At least it is true in my case Even one I thought was my friend Now turns away from me today And tonight the moon hides her face If only I had sooner known That I was meant to be alone
I would not have tried would not have died inside
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 28, 2005, 2:34 am
Transcendental Sonnet #1389: A Few Tricks Left
My readers do not care for one another They each read me for varying reasons Red states versus blue brother against brother Euros and Brits through varying seasons With the only commonality mere me In my maddening multiplicity
"How could you write that?" some ask as my white hat Fades to black and some attack as it slips
But then after awhile most come to grips With the fact that sometimes I lack the tact Which I would have if only my mother Were here to set me straight: so please do not hate Me for the fool which I can be and bear with me
I have a few tricks left which you might like to see
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 27, 2005, 9:26 pm
Friday Nightmare
Another Friday night alone I wonder if the crazy man will call Remind me to unplug the phone Or to change my number once and for all
Not so long ago a beautiful voice Remembered me and made my heart rejoice But now I hear the harsh sounds of attack Triggering memories of Uncle Jack And of a dark childhood which never was
Or I wish it had not been because It always felt like I feel tonight As death waits for me impatiently Here in the darkness so far from light
I wish I could not hear if I must be Alone in this nightmare since I can see
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 27, 2005, 4:54 pm
The Crazy Man Who Called Me
The crazy man who called me Told me that I am passive Told me that he is massive The crazy man appalled me
He analyzed me that I wear A sign on my back there A mark which invites people to kick me He is what we used to call a bully
(I gather he is a loser I think he might be a boozer)
A real he-man Republican He said he was because He worked for the Bush administration In this case I might favor castration
The crazy man who called me Spoke of conspiracy Yet not of poetry The crazy man appalled me
I am flattered he recorded each word which I said Now maybe he can listen to me when I am dead
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 27, 2005, 7:22 am
Acceptance: My Own Good Old Days
In my life in many ways These are my own Good Old Days
It has been and will be worse Than these days of rhyming verse As I spend my equity I can see the end of me Better not to think about That of which there is no doubt
That if I live long enough Things will go from tough to rough Bad to worse as I rehearse The fall which awaits us all And my fall will be bitter But I am not a quitter
Who knows? Maybe someone will buy a book Or give me a chance or a second look And is it too late for a twist of fate?
I must confess That I guess yes But I digress:
In my life in many ways These are my own Good Old Days
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 26, 2005, 2:51 pm
A Wink and a Kiss
It has been said my poetry has range That it is high and low and in-between Because I have lived much and seen such change Now I can share with you what I have seen Beautiful horrible sacred profane Every breath and heartbeat day and night All of it valid none of it in vain All of it was fate and all of it right
I write it all down as well as I can That which was and is and maybe could be Alienation and absurdity The life and love and death of you and me Reflected by one lost and lonely man In obsessive rhyme at the edge of time
I wonder just as you might wonder why I go to this trouble only to die But once I knew I wanted to live true I felt called to write these things down for you Who read this since I thought you might need this My blood my blessing a wink and a kiss
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 25, 2005, 4:33 pm
A Former Republican From a Good Family Wonders
Whose idea was it to run a chimpanzee For president And how in the world did it win?
Also I wonder when my former party (Long since absent) Will see its mistake and begin To make things right? But by now it is too late
Having run and elected it twice now fate Will do the rest It was a test
They failed
We sailed Off the right-hand edge of the earth The advent of the chimp gave birth To this judgement which now shows us what we were worth
Because we showed none Of our own Our judgement is done Now for us
In chorus
An army of one All alone
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 25, 2005, 2:32 pm
Transcendental Sonnet #1388: Had I Never Known
They say it is better to Love even if you lose
Assuming that you choose To continue and that you Are not hollowed-out inside
And the feeling you have died Ultimately passes Until the time you do
I wonder is it true?
I look at the masses All of these people I see
Are they as lonely as me?
Perhaps it would be better had I never known Had my innocence remained that I am alone
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 25, 2005, 2:10 am
My Name is Alienation
Far and few those who understand And farther and fewer to care Fewest are those who take my hand When I look there is no one there In fact I am here all alone The truth and I have always known
My name is alienation Your sympathetic vibration Does not reach me here where I dwell But you have never been to hell So what would you know? I thought so
Have your to be or not to be Enjoy your spin with destiny Then leave them laughing when you go As I did without one regret And what do you care? For soon enough they will forget You were even there
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 24, 2005, 3:24 pm
Transcendental Sonnet #1387: Escape into Clarity
who will join us?
Rarified into rarity We escape into clarity We realize it is not popular The clear among the muddled never were Yet rarified and clarified we are No longer satellite dishes Our senses are tuned to a distant star Which has verified our wishes
Let others reflect And let them reject But we will elect With all due respect To transcend the common once and for all To soar without a net although we fall
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 23, 2005, 1:04 pm
Transcendental Sonnet #1386: Tonight
Come sweet and tender girl away with me The night is ours and there is much to do I know a few things I would like to share Some mysteries which you might like to see Some things which are hidden but I know where They are and I want to share them with you
The day was acrid tart with bitterness Tonight one long black velvet sweet caress Will wrap you warm within the tenderness Of being understood of being known As never before no longer alone And your soft skin will sing with happiness
Love gives us wings to rise up and be free Come sweet and tender girl away with me
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 23, 2005, 4:20 am
Transcendental Sonnet #1385: Under the Canopy
who will join me this fair night?
Full moon night-blooming jasmine-scented sky Stars fade discreetly to the background now But watching us that one unblinking eye Seems sympathetic to our love somehow
As now the silver velvet fog flows in To clothe our nakedness which knows no sin Bearing on tiptoes whispered secrecy Caressed beneath the moonbeams you and me By sweet delights of night in harmony Far as the eye of our full moon can see
Under the canopy under the moon Clad in a shining cloud sparkled with stars Lover and loved one as one to be soon Adam and Eve under Venus and Mars
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 22, 2005, 11:32 pm
Full Moon in May
The full moon soars its bright immensity Into a May sky azure and cloud-free For all as always but especially Tonight I feel it rise for you and me
The stars appear of course as other nights Yet shine discreet tonight as lesser lights Supporting players in this final scene Of glory waxing as this moon has been Unto this climax as we climax too The moon the sky the stars and me and you
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 22, 2005, 12:58 pm
Lost in the USA: Wanderer
My life began American A state of mind once left behind
But many are my memories Of sights of sounds of smells of these Same stateside specificities Which you describe and photograph Which make me smile and make me laugh Bittersweet feeling lesser than One who once felt it all But one who will feel it always
A broken boy and small I was and bittersweet those days Which I spent growing up alone A library of the unknown Has it become too late for me Too late to come back now? Can one return at last and be At home again somehow?
So lost so long a wanderer bereft Of my homeland and yet I never left
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 22, 2005, 3:17 am
Lost in the USA: Bus to Denton
Ticket for the bus to Denton Thence on to Krum my friend I come To visit you now bent upon Exploring the InvisiBolt Meeting Tilly Skittles and Paul And frisking like a Texas colt
In a place where the sky fills all In all in its totality And where the sun sets for as far As eyes can see and each lone star Appears with its intensity Intact
If I have eyes with which to see In fact As I believe I do I should stay there with you Why not?
Those who once knew who I once was Forgot Who I was anyway because They really only thought they knew And did they ever care?
Lost in the USA I would be better off with you I need a place to stay Could I perhaps stay there?
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 21, 2005, 7:27 am
Transcendental Sonnet #1384: Heartshope Kandaroo
My friend is Heartshope Kandaroo Not wallaby not kangaroo Not platypus nor anything Australian for she I sing Is Texan through and through and through My friend my Heartshope Kandaroo
There where the stars are big and bright My Kandaroo sleep well tonight And in the morning when you wake When that bright Texas sun you see May you an idle moment take To think of what you mean to me
May you be blessed in all you do My friend my Heartshope Kandaroo
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 21, 2005, 5:30 am
Transcendental Sonnet #1383: For All I Knew
I thought I lost what I thought was love But all I lost was sorrow And I gained costly lessons above All of which is: tomorrow Things will always look better than now If we can get through today All experience teaches somehow And is useful in some way
What I thought was love was never real And I was deceived and mocked But I remember it and I feel How my heart believed unlocked And let in love which for me was true At least in my heart... for all I knew
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 20, 2005, 8:43 pm
About the Author
Winston Churchill once said of Clement Attlee that he had "a great deal to be modest about." So do I. Attlee did beat Churchill in that election though.
I'm nobody, really. I call myself "The Lucky Little Bastard" because I came back from the dead when I was nineteen; that was quite a trick, but I can't take credit for it. God has been good to me; they say he takes care of those of us who don't have enough sense to take care of ourselves.
I was born and raised and still live in the old family home, the last and least, in Old Towne Orange, California. I share Studio Lance, as I call it, with my good old fat old cat, Freddie Noodles.
I have three wonderful children to whom I refer as "intelligent friends": Maria, 21, Stevie II, 19, and Teddy, 14; I enjoy their company and our close relationships very much. Otherwise I pretty much keep to myself, a recluse, something of an enigma to many.
I drive the 1965 Chrysler Newport Sedan I picked out for my grandparents when it was new, but it hasn't been running lately. I like to walk here in Old Towne, especially in warmer weather. I'm a skinny little guy, very sensitive to cold, very sensitive in general, actually.
I'd like to get to be a good poet before I die, if I can; I'm doing my best. I'm fifty years old now, born on New Year's Eve amid thunder and lightning in 1954. Everybody always seemed to think I'd amount to something special, starting off with a bang like that, and then also coming back from the dead like I did. I was in a coma for awhile, and supposedly my brain was completely destroyed. Nobody understands, least of all me, why I am here or what I am doing or how. I know I'm really curious about everything; that's the why of it.
I got to be really good at composing a cappella choral motets along the way; I like counterpoint. I've learned a few things here and there, even won some awards and things which don't really matter. To my mind--such as it is--kindness is the only thing which really matters; I want to be kind.
I am a simple and an honest man, and I want to be remembered as a kind man too.
New Poems is my fifth book of poetry. I hope you like it. Feel free to look me up anytime and get in touch. Call me up and I'll read you some poems.
God bless and keep you.
+Steven Curtis Lance
May 20, 2005, 5:04 pm
Summer Came Suddenly
up a tree in Texas
While I was shivering it got warmer Summer came suddenly Came on strong Better than the misty-moisty former Way which things seemed to be For so long
I got so tired of always feeling cold And generally hunkered-down and small Rained-on reined-in isolated and old At last has come the best season of all
Summer came suddenly and found me lost Bound up in blankets trying to get warm I never could afford what winter cost It only seemed to want to do me harm
But summer showed up in the nick of time When I was just holding on by the skin Of my teeth here shivering my chilled rhyme Getting colder more bitter and more thin
Summer came suddenly and I can see Life can be beautiful even for me
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 19, 2005, 6:52 am
So Clear So Bright
for Heartshope Kandaroo
People think that they love whether Or whether not And they thought they were together But they forgot To love unconditionally The way we do The kindest kind of love I see Is me and you
If somehow everyone could feel Like you and me If they could just feel what is real Then they would be Shining just like these stars tonight So clear so bright And all of us would be all right For love is truth and truth makes free
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 18, 2005, 2:39 pm
Shut Up
Guns before butter and bombs before bread The winds of war are blowing us away Intelligence which seems madness instead For them or else against them so they say If you resist them they say you are mad But have you seen the latest news today?
Their guns between their legs they seem so glad To strut like barnyard roosters through the earth As if they owned it and there were no God No life after death nor life after birth The peaceful are considered quaint and odd And life is cheap when on the other side
The dove lies bleeding and will soon be dead Shut up sit down for a hell of a ride Guns before butter and bombs before bread
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMV
May 17, 2005, 4:11 pm
Taste of Death
You think you can see But you have gone blind You think it is me Gone out of my mind But it is just you Know not what you do You think you can feel You make such a fuss But you are not real
You are elected By making afraid We are rejected But all are unmade The joke is on us
With my last free breath I say May you taste of death today
