I am brittle now and my teeth get sore Ghosts trouble me and haunt my reflection My nerves know pains from mental to dental
Imperfect as I pursue perfection I never feel like eating anymore Never feel the fun in fundamental And my clothes are not right for the weather
Struggling along against the infection My body is not right my mind is wrong Suffering something like sacramental Ups and downs looking not finding it yet
Both feel as though feeling the rejection Of self by myself my body my mind Contending and tending toward ending their Uneasy partnership of convenience
I keep trying to keep us together Though I understand in a higher sense Someday I must leave imperfect behind
Had I known that pain could feel so intense I never would have lingered here so long Seeing how being now can hurt and yet
I look up into the face of the moon And keep hoping things will get better soon
It turns out to be exhausting to get That moment in the sun I waited for What I thought I wanted somehow and yet Fast as I run it precedes me the more
But I am privileged to be and see This pursuit of perfection at close range Through which I have stubbornly stayed this me Which you might have heard of subject to change
I cannot help but pursue perfection As an idea if not a statistic Whether madness or divine election
I am and do but am realistic Pursuing the pattern of a star in A state of fallenness never known to The me I was when I came to begin Being becoming as I am and do
I am brittle now and my teeth get sore And yet I am curious to see it I never feel like eating anymore And yet I am furious to be it
I want to be somebody finally A happy ending having come this far Steadily if slowly but certainly To rise if only to fall like a star
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Mar 3, 2010, 10:04 pm
Separation
Depression is the purest grief A personal grieving The disappointment of belief Turning from believing To doubt about without relief Except the relieving Of death as end of everything Where looks are deceiving With all death as most life unknown A solemn song to sing A lonely song to sing alone Of separation and leaving
A voice on the breath of the wind Is rising through the night Depression has come to its end The only way it could A soul escaping rises free Ascending toward the light Where everything is understood And finally I see The way I always dreamed I would That I had grieved for me And for the separation of Myself as separate from love
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 28, 2010, 2:56 pm
Prelude and Fugue in the Key of Be
The molecules align To form this pattern which is me In this unique design This diagram of destiny In which all things combine Conspiring that I come to be And live this life of mine To take this existential chance This opportunity To be this +Steven Curtis Lance Which spells me as you see
I am assuming I have come To be to do some good To write some poems and have some Of them be understood By some and understanding find Some love to lift and live The meaning of the higher mind To give and take but give More than I take to leave behind More than mere memory And not behind beyond instead Of going back to go ahead Through diagram to destiny To be to do to do to be
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 26, 2010, 3:09 pm
Farmyard Philosophy
being a poem in two parts starring the chickens for Aurora and Robert whose chickens they are
I: Squawk
The chickens have drawn their dusty baths In tubs they have dug in the ground Fowl or run afoul our dusty paths Where that which nourishes destroys Cross where we both are doing the best We know without knowing the end Of the story while guessing the rest
Bobbing weaving walking around Waiting for whatever life might send Patiently since we have no choice Though we sound impatient when hurried And that squawk creeps into the voice
Fowl and those run afoul get worried Worry becomes the background noise While the foreground music of the mind Whether of eggs or poetry Sings about leaving good things behind And about leaving graciously
But living till then human or hen So it seems right we never know when
II: Meat Birds
Meat birds look to the scratch and not the sky The farmer sees he need not clip their wings Meat birds words do not include the word why They generally do not ask about things Except about the scratch naturally
When we never cock an eye to the sky But only eat and excrete and revolve Then we miss what we were meant to live by So our ride on the ball turns out all wrong And this is how some short lives seem so long In our hearts we know we have to evolve
If you find yourself in the farmyard now And you are not a meat bird after all Be nice to the meat birds learn from them how It is to be like them and then recall That you find your eye will stray to the sky And you find your words include the word why
And you are not a meat bird after all Except about the scratch naturally We are not meat birds not you and not me
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 25, 2010, 1:27 pm
Who Am I? Love
The brittleness of morning and Ennui of afternoon Have passed and now I understand That night is coming soon And no matter the word will have it last At the meeting place of present and past
At the crossroads of life and death I stand With no idea how I came to be My heart on my sleeve my soul in my hand My alternative reality
I thought I had it figured out But I was wrong And yet I have no doubt about This little song You wait and see this will be what will save Us all and me too more crazy than brave
So they wonder then well what does it mean Is there something there we cannot see? But they never look in the in between Where I reside there where to find me
The rain on the street at nightfall Something like tears of joy Who am I? Love and that is all One no one can destroy Everlasting as the elements of Matter which matter and who am I? Love
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 22, 2010, 4:17 pm
These Oak Trees
These oak trees were here before me As after they will be So are able to restore me If temporarily To a sense of permanency
If I waited for forever Then it would never come Since strange as it seems it never Is a thing without some It is clear forever is here
Something to think about When open minds let far come near In neither faith nor doubt In acceptance of whatever Forever is never Or it is now and I will be Forever or never somehow But I will always be
Although I am not an oak tree Still I am some and thing As one of the ones who broke free And would try anything To see if temporarily
I am not out of touch with reality Because I was never in We had never been introduced properly So the process could begin Of engagement so estrangement resulted Through none of which was I ever consulted As to what was real to me Born to original madness Predestined to recall And prevented by its sadness Not getting it at all So I could only guess
Sorry to leave a mess
These oak trees were here before me As after they will be So are able to restore me If temporarily To a sense of permanency
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 21, 2010, 12:21 am
Interplay
It is not easy to see Truly important things As though too important to be seen Like for example with me You might not see my wings Though they are there in the in between Where truly important things are
There where we know what we mean I have wings and you are a star Where truly important we can be The us we have always known In the in between though hardly seen There we will not be alone Nor have we ever been
Interstitial spaces of the mind Secret places left behind As too crazy to contemplate By the more bark than biting brave Too late then but not too late To remember ourselves and to save The us by things in the in between
In the dark matter of the universe Some people get better when life gets worse In the in between where things really mean In the still small voice in the dead of night You might not see my wings though they are there In the interplay of darkness and light In earth in fire in water and in air
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 18, 2010, 2:38 am
The All in Always
When the veil is withdrawn and I can see The all at once it is too much for me To think about at once to understand It then but feel in its totality That sense of other that feeling when we Shiver to the touch of an unseen hand
To be is to be beyond what is known And being and yet not being alone Is perhaps the ultimate ecstasy
When the veil is withdrawn as it is now I can see behind and beyond these days When the veil is withdrawn I can somehow See all the way to the all in always
And as beautiful as it shines displayed Projecting presents for the unafraid A magic lantern show which fate allows For the beauty of its possible nows At once it is too much for me and so I remember to forget when I go
But remember it in that moment when A moment passing not to be delayed Could only be by only being then
A magic lantern show which fate allows When my healing comes by my being ill And the veil is withdrawn for me to be Remembered if then forgotten again To shiver a moment of clarity For the beauty of its possible nows Ask will I be healed and answer I will
And the veil is withdrawn and I can see
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 16, 2010, 3:38 pm
Algorithm of Equipoise
As space is curved to make what goes around come Around that much better so I can have some I wait for the some which is coming for me All I am attuned in anticipation With a sense of curvilinearity
Absolute freedom informs the position Of poised pause prior to initiation Where possibility awaits ignition
Though my eyes are open behind them I know That I am one of the ones to be alone I see the possibility I forgo And whether wisdom or fear of the unknown Which keeps me attuned in anticipation Of poised pause prior to initiation Absolute freedom informs the position
I avoid conflict but see how it destroys Those who against their better judgment submit I strive for the perfection of equipoise To transcend tallying and the tit for tat I know what I would like and it is not that
If I found it I would know that would be it I might never but I keep an open mind Leaving nothing since here there is no behind In which to leave things but only around me As space is curved to make what goes around come Within its curvilinear direction Around that much better so I can have some
Only this point with all within connection Here where I lost everything and it found me With a sense of curvilinearity
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 15, 2010, 10:12 pm
Dona Nobis Pacem
Kyrie eleison is what I would say Were there a proper mass and were I there today Conflicted nostalgia which one might best explain As humankind begging God for mercy again Only lonely humans as far as I can see And each would like to know: why is God mad at me?
From a distance I recall inbred tradition I remember stillborn inborn inhibition And if my God existed he or she would be The answer to the existential question: me
But where there is empathy there is attraction Let the fire fall and the magic begin To break through from good intention to good action Where those who lose themselves are those who win
Right across the world humankind cries out tonight In the birthpangs of existence as our birthright Dona nobis pacem is still what I would pray Grant us angry animals peace someone someway
In nice neighborhoods they speak of love To each other but they do not speak to me Misunderstanding is a part of Eating each other because of property As I try to stay out of their way What they speak is not spoken by what they say
Here at this late hour here at the start Of always we arrive hearts in hands to be Willing or unwilling each a part Of a great if dysfunctional family We who are alone together are Scattered shattered shards of a bright fallen star
Alone together each in our way In worlds our own though cheek by jowl in the street Wondering someday will someone say What we cannot say when we cannot but meet Wondering if we could make things right And why we are alone together tonight
Kyrie eleison is what I would say Were there a proper mass and were I there today Conflicted nostalgia which one might best explain As humankind begging God for mercy again Only lonely humans as far as I can see And each would like to know: why is God mad at me?
From a distance I recall inbred tradition I remember stillborn inborn inhibition And if my God existed he or she would be The answer to the existential question: me
But where there is empathy there is attraction Let the fire fall and the magic begin To break through from good intention to good action Where those who lose themselves are those who win
Right across the world humankind cries out tonight In the birthpangs of existence as our birthright Dona nobis pacem is still what I would pray Until we angry animals evolve someday
Dona nobis pacem Domine
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 13, 2010, 2:00 am
Now?
Nothing is as bad as depression makes it seem Reality is never half so bad It feels like a nightmare although it is a dream
Unconsciously afraid consciously sad
The future was not bright for me Nor was the present right for me The past was left but gone
How Else to go but to go on Now?
Time of times in timeless flow Edge of the moving stream Of consciousness of time and space Beyond these as their transcendental grace
The intersection of it all The point as great as it is small
The human race turns over in its dream Of here and it is where The existential asking place Is and it is asking there
Where everywhere is now so now I know
Nothing is as bad as depression makes it seem The human race turns over in its dream And suffocates the sufferer As it were
But if I should awaken tomorrow I might Be able to figure it out But am already having a nightmare tonight Which only awakens my doubt
And yet having left the light on I see The past has left but gone To be
Nothing was as bad as depression made it seem Reality was never half so sad It felt like a nightmare although it was a dream
A point as great as it was small The intersection of it all
And when I awakened I dreamed I had gone mad
How Else to go but to go on Now?
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 11, 2010, 3:04 pm
To Transcend
for Gerald Tate
May I transcend someday somehow and may Death the ineluctable Come as it will nor would I elude it To find indestructible This old soul when young life has renewed it To rise again and to be The continuing quintessential me And the how it will be now will be right If I am to rise and am to go on I will if forgotten at least not gone
I have found existence to be painful And deity when it deigned disdainful
Oh leave me alone to do as I please I just want to say But this is how I defeat our disease To transcend this way And I will be freer than anything I ever imagined before in my Pretranscendental perspective I bring So painfully to bear before I die I want to transcend and I want to sing How I never dreamed I could get that high
Human life does not so much have an end As rather a point at which to transcend
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 10, 2010, 11:46 pm
Actors
Here we have no continuing city Here we are wandering and homeless souls We may not seem it while sitting pretty But out on the street and hitting potholes Then is when we feel it then when we know As actors who are at our best in tragic roles
The dog came to me and offered his bone And so I see how I am not alone
Here I get depressed and disappointed Here I know what but cannot see how Feeling disconnected and disjointed Needing to reconnect now with always As if it were forever even though I know my always is only my now
The girl came to me and offered her kiss And I have known nothing better than this
Here we build walls to keep each other out Here we use fear to keep each other in It seems to me the purest faith is doubt And I have faith in my doubt about sin But guess sin would be whatever hurts me Whatever hurts you would be sin then too
And so I see how I am not alone And I have known nothing better than this
We will have to stop hurting ourselves to be Worthy of ourselves and being seen to see Then seeing out from in see our way to begin And being and seeing and freeing our souls As actors who are at our best in tragic roles When the dog and the girl and I will all be free
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 8, 2010, 3:24 pm
Love in Hell
There was a girl in the psych ward Who stood out from the rest Because she warily ignored Everyone there but me
Margaritaritamargarita
Scary clowns in hospital gowns Noticed how she was dressed (As if they noticed anything) I noticed she was bored
Margaritaritamargarita
She noticed silkscreened Bob Marley On me and smiled at me She sent me through the ups and downs And I began to sing
Margaritaritamargarita
Sad clowns shuffled out of our way Alive in Unit Five We decided to live that day Though damned and in hell's hive
Margaritaritamargarita
She took my book a trophy to Dinners of nothing but Air only air (and knew I knew) Far as the eye could see
Margaritaritamargarita
If I go back no matter what I know where she is there And I know she will remember August in September
Margaritaritamargarita
A ballerina from Russia whose smile All white teeth and fragility Within a mask of pain Made me forget we were crazy awhile Inciting possibility And we will meet again
Margaritaritamargarita
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 7, 2010, 6:29 pm
The Modjeska Manifesto
As life follows water so I am here Like one of these oak trees I will stand by Modjeska Creek be it muddy or clear And even God forbid though it run dry Here where I have come here where I will stay Here where after a long night dawns my day
Jaya guru deva om: transeamus
This is where someday my flesh will give way This is where I want my remains to lie This will be my canyon of come what may This is where I want what remains of my Poetry and music I leave behind To live within the landscape of your mind
Jaya guru deva om: shake the chains loose
I would like my children to come and see What I can come up with here at the end As I facilitate felicity That everyone know that I am a friend That I am the father of those who fight To see who struggle upward toward the light
Jaya guru deva om: transeamus hodie
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 7, 2010, 5:29 am
Looking Up
God (whoever you are) I love you You are on top and nothing is above you But I here below (For one) would really like to know You better
I believe you are there And that you will receive this prayer By letter Not of the law but of my hand Not much to say but only just A little note from me to you because I must Because I believe you understand
Look down and see that this is only Me looking up and feeling lonely Where we have met before And I am too hard to get along with to be Successful in relationships apparently Of which I want no more (Entangling alliances seem what they are)
Whereas you God are cooler than a distant star Classical and noble and objective While I am romantic and poor and subjective You are on top and nothing is above you God (whoever you are) I love you
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 5, 2010, 4:32 pm
The Revelation
"As a man thinketh, so is he." -- Jesus Christ
At this late hour now finally I see How the me of you is a point of view How attitude affects reality How what I think determines what I do And how I think makes me how I will be
I see now how it was all in my head How all my life was just a state of mind I wanted to be but I was instead And trying to get ahead got behind
But at this late hour now finally I Can see myself beyond myself at last
And am surprised to see me satisfy Myself that for a fool I wised up fast Breaking through a lifetime of being near To being to seeing how it is here
Everything is beautiful if I let It be if I let the lotus unfold I remember now how good to forget It is and I grow young as I grow old Because how I think is how I will be
At this late hour now finally I see
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 4, 2010, 1:22 pm
Thank You
for Aurora and Robert
Thank you for making it possible for me To be and to write this poetry
If I were a plumber I might be wealthy But am not that mentally healthy And all I know how to do is make these rhymes
So I want to thank you for these times Of rebirth and afterlife as I Survive my own best efforts to die
I choose to be and to write this poetry Thank you for making it possible for me
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 3, 2010, 9:38 pm
Happy
I want to be happy just like you do Like everyone else in the world does too Everyone wants to be happy I know All of us seem to agree about this
It hurts to live but we hurt to live though Time will play tricks while we wait for the kiss Of that little sprinkle of fairy dust We dream about (since in our dust we must) Of that little sparkle of magic we Tingle to when we sense the presence of A member of our mortal family And sense the possibility of love
I suppose it could be we are only So alone with ourselves we get lonely For someone other someone not the same But we try not to be too distinctive So the same someone finds no one to blame
Alienation and our instinctive Fight-or-flight play out invertedly in An endgame of just waiting to begin For treasure island exiles washed ashore For whom the tide returns to ask for more
I want to be happy just like I was Or just like I remember as a child But cannot be sure which is which because One was the hope of happiness to come Then one what came instead the distance from One to the other one unreconciled Though neither one believes in Santa Claus
Childhood is gone and adulthood goes fast And no one ever told us it would be That the worst thing at present is the past In spite of all those memories we see I might as well save the future for last Here now as I am at the edge of me Like everyone else in the world does too
I want to be happy just like you do
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 2, 2010, 3:02 pm
In Spite of All the Religions of Man
In spite of all the religions of man And how man would control woman thereby When he neither controls himself nor can He be persuaded (by woman) to try
Man with his hopes and his popes and his creeds Is up at night looking to meet some needs Maybe remaking himself in the sky But more than anything afraid to die
And yet I feel like something is out there
Like a god or the ghost of my mother And I still pray and when I say a prayer I can perceive the presence of other
I seem to be getting all my needs met But by what or whom I cannot tell yet Except a light of other in the night
In spite of all the religions there are Or not it seems like something like a star A spark in the dark as human birthright
And not mere manly function of control But a flicker of freedom for the soul (Which organ seems to exist to resist The busybody and the moralist)
In spite of all the religions I know I somehow believe in God even so And he or she would seem to me to be Better than they say (or is that just me?)
Take control away from them and be free
Can there be a god? I believe there can In spite of all the religions of man
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 2, 2010, 2:09 am
You Knew
You said it was the zeitgeist and I knew That I thought I knew that you did not know Your zeit from your geist but then that was you And you did it well so I let it go
But I knew what you meant and now I think That you could tell the ghost of the time then Though I could tell later there on the brink In those days I was never quite sure when You might be feeling serious someday And turn (because I could not turn away)
Then someday you felt serious at last And it was my privilege to be there When one became another's answered prayer (Nor does this go away though time flow fast)
Being and wanting to be I embrace Being as it is unfiltered and raw And through your honest eyes I have seen grace And though it has been a hard freeze a thaw And you did it well but then that was you You said it was the zeitgeist and you knew
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Feb 1, 2010, 1:58 am
Nocturne in Blue Velvet
Beneath blue velvet canyon walls Where the night falls Like dew
There I have been dreaming about Having a doubt Or two
But when I wake up I will see How good to be With you
The spring will come the summer then The seasons when We knew
The fall the winter then again The all Of it to fall As in love with you as I do
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Jan 30, 2010, 11:43 pm
Full Moon Modjeska
Full moon Modjeska lightning in the creek A moon like the biggest egg ever laid As spoken by an oak tree as we speak And one is born here and another made And both transfixed by the moonlight tonight Full moon Modjeska will always be right
And who is it right for? For those who are Full of the moon floating round the creek bend Not too much in a hurry for a star Or two nor in a hurry to sit still And maybe a little bit stubborn too Maybe a little bit shyer than you With a heart for wonder an eye for thrill
It was always like this actually And I would have been here before if I Had the chance to as I was when I could I knew I would live here before I die Before I came Modjeska came to me And now we come together understood
Full moon Modjeska magic in the air This is the any of my anywhere
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Jan 29, 2010, 3:36 pm
Free
I had to lose all that I had In order to be free To lay the good down with the bad In order to find me And when all fell away I stood As naked as newborn But in that dawn I understood Blessed are those who mourn
And when all fell away I was Revealed so I could be And I was not ashamed because The quintessential me Was liberated though it cost Me all and everything With what I won and what I lost Laid bare by suffering
I left behind but could not hide The things I left without And having nothing left but pride To justify my doubt I realized that nothing is What I brought and will take And God made me between these his To let the maker make
I lost the life I knew to find If I am to exist And am to bloom to be my mind Must open nor resist That to be fitted for the sky I must sit quietly Accept the gift to live and die And rise in victory
Forgotten wings unfolding now To catch the wind again Will bear me though not knowing how Beyond remembered pain Which was all that I thought I had Except that it had me To find my reason going mad And through the dark to see
I lost my way a little while Until I lost it all But seeing now and being smile A phoenix from my fall And God who made me makes me grow According to his grace That though I stumble even so I win the human race
+Steven Curtis Lance
Copyright MMX
Jan 26, 2010, 6:08 am
Transcendental Sonnet #1429: Nice to Be Now Then
a Valentine
Now is always the best time because No time like the present of what will be Now is all there is or ever was No time like the present and now for me To be to unwrap the present: but how?
It was so long ago we did not know Not yet anyway like we do today That everything we did was dangerous As we unwittingly endangered us
But then we survived and now we are here When we have arrived and when we appear And when we must be then we must be now
So nice to be current and concurrent too So nice to be now then when now is with you
