Jun 15, 2004, 07:29 AM
Abuse and SHAME....
Shame is when you admit what happened, and that maybe it just wasnt your fault, but yet you still feel ugly on the inside, like it is your fault after all, and youre emabarassed that this would happen to you. Guilt is reporting what happened to the police, then not knowing what is going to happen next. If he goes to jail, its your fault, if he doesnt, youre still horrible because you would "make up" lies like that to ruin his reputation, since he's a nice guy. Guilt and shame should be what the criminal feels, not the victim/survivor. Guilt and shame make life unbearable. Guilt and shame are what others dump on your shoulders, because surely you did something to make him do what he did. Perhaps you dressed too suggestively, or you were making out, and then you went too far, and you felt guilty, so you called it rape. Then comes the shame because you lied. But really, it wasnt like that at all. It wasnt your fault. So why, as survivors, are we slapped with all! the guilt and shame when nothing we could have said or done could have made the perpetrator stop?
Maybe,someday I will get rid of all this guilt and shame, and just be me again.
Jun 15, 2004, 08:12 AM
You are so so so right in what you have written. It is TRUE that the survivor is left feeling all the guilt and shame, when the perp feels NOTHING at all. NoT FAIR! And it is even worse when you are not believed, or made out to be the bad person in what happened. I gues the only way to deal with these feelings of hurt and shame are to keep telling yourself it is NOT your fault. I KNOW it is hard when we have to apply these ideas to ourselves. How would you reply to another woman who was feeling as you are now? You would not want her to feel hurt, and you might tell her it was not her fault. Sometimes we have to treat ourselves as we would treat others...I know its hard, as I write this I think about how hard I am on myself. I guess it is worth a try. I will try it if you do!
So, together, lets think and maybe say it out loud, "I am not the guilty one, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I was a victim"
WoW, that was strange to say aloud. VERY strange feeling after I said that...I never ever allowed myself to speak those words aloud before. A bit clensing, at the same time odd to say. Even though its true...you now how it is. We are so hard on ourselves.
How did you feel saying that? I wonder if it will make me feel any different. Hmmmm....
Please wirte and let me know how you are feeling, ok?
Jun 15, 2004, 10:30 AM
Silke, you are NOT a loser. I was never able to think or say those words, BUT today I figured...OK, I can do this! I would do it for you, and in turn it was good for me to say.
If you can, think it to yourself, that is the first step I guess!
Ok, I am not an expert
but i hope I can help by caring and from my own experiences.