Mar 19, 2003, 12:16 AM
"I hope my mother dies.... I hope she walking down the street someday and realizes everything shes ever put me though and then a giant bus runs her over!.. I can't stand her! She tells me she's in this too no shes not shes on the fxcking sidelines worrying about what happens... its not her life thats fxcked up its not her life that is being decided by a judge its mine! She thinks i dont care about my grades... I do i just dont show my worry .... Its My grades which detremine which college I, Not her ME, get into.... Its my life that might go to jail or just get probabtion why the fxck is she making my life which BTW already suck worse! So fxck her!.... Oh and also im tried of being told im a Fxcking diassapointment... in more ways than just this one mom.... Im dissapoint in my self more than you will ever be... but i dont need your dissapointment added on top of my own.... "
-- from my journal yesterday--
Do i really sound ... i dont know i mean at this moment in time i wouldn't shed a tear but.... thats my problem i just don't know what im asking.....
Mar 19, 2003, 01:15 AM
It is ok Anne, I understand you. I have the same feelings for my mother...confused. I really dont like her, and what she has forced her children to suffer through, and how she continues to hurt her childrena nd her grandchildren, it makes me sick.
I dont really know what to say because you have to live with your mother...thank GOD I dont live with mine anymore. All I can say is that it gets better when you are able to live on your own. I PROMISE you that. It is still sad, to not have a mother as mothers should be, but at least you wil be FREE. It will happen, Anne, hang in there...
Mar 19, 2003, 05:28 AM
well i can say go ahread and vent lol if it makes you feel good do it. yell cuss bitch no one here will mind.. but.. have you talked to your mom??? and are you actualy goin to jail, or your in probation or wat not? cuz i can see why she cares about you.. please dont take wat i say offensivly.. but mom's care an they show it without ANY thinking as to wat you say.. and for saying your a dissapointment.. maybe she doesnt kow its hurts you.. ROoze* ps tell me what happens. [glow=red,2,300]ROoze*[/glow]
Mar 19, 2003, 06:25 AM
How can it not hurt....
Mar 19, 2003, 06:40 AM
no i know that it does hurt but i mean maybe she doesnt know that.. bcuz i kno my mom sayus shit and then doesnt even realize that it hurts.. maybe she just dont know.. telll her. ROoze*
Mar 19, 2003, 11:05 AM
I tell her, and i get yelled at for tone, or for talking back... it doesnt matter anymore anyway... nothing really does....
Mar 19, 2003, 03:19 PM
no no no no things matter.. seriouslyu.. you matter... you matter to peple here and to peple in other places.. plkease believe me.. you really do matter.. please dont ever think of anythingbad..like suicide. pleas.e. and im sory im trying to help.. ROoze*
Mar 20, 2003, 01:40 AM
roze your being a total sweet heart, im just going though more than i can or will ever be able to handel... things cross my mind... thats all... yeah... thats all....
Mar 20, 2003, 04:39 AM
are you sure thats all?? your not even thinking about trying it or anything are you?? necause thas so not kewl..and i cant spell sorry lol.. please just vent here. i wont mind, and im sure other peopl wont. cuzz you can even bitch at me and i wont get mad and then that will make you feel better.......promise..ROoze*
Mar 20, 2003, 05:20 AM
Mar 20, 2003, 06:07 AM
Roze, but promise things you know nothing about it wont make me feel better... i know what will but i can't do it at the moment... anyway like i said before it doesnt matter
Mar 20, 2003, 10:38 AM
Anne, you so often say, "it dosent matter"...I tend to agree abou tthat in my own life...nothing reallly matters now, does it?
Mar 21, 2003, 03:22 AM
Dara it used to... it used to matter soo much... but now?... now... it never does...
Mar 21, 2003, 03:38 AM
youcant kill yourself if thas wat your thinking about.. you cant serioulsy no.. but yel at me. i dont care seirlys um used to it. and thingsmatter.. you matter.. you matter to me andif you ever went away i would die.. ROoze*
Mar 21, 2003, 07:08 AM
Im not going to kill myself roze... ok?...
Mar 21, 2003, 07:53 AM
ok.. im just.. im sorry....
Mar 21, 2003, 07:55 AM
why are you sorry for caring roze?
what have you done to be sorry about?
rise your head and smile...
your a total sweet heart
dont ever change...
stay.. just the way you are....
I love you...
dont be sorry...
for touching my heart...
Mar 21, 2003, 08:14 AM
ok.. im just... im sorry
Mar 21, 2003, 08:16 AM
Anne and Roze,
This interaction between the two of you is JUST what this site is all about. People who CARE about eachother, and others. I care about bothe of you dearly, and I know you both have a lot of love to give to others. If nothing else in my life, I can know I have given my heart to many people. That matters to me, because I remember being a teenager and being ALONE. Anne, I suffered many of the things you are suffering throgh, Roze, you too. Only difference, I was TOTALLY alone, no internet nohting. SO, now that I can be here and lend an ear, and open my heart to others, it makes my life have a bit more meanng.
Anne, sometimes, more ofthen than I would like to admit, I feel like giving up, like dying would be my answer, but I just keep on living. I have animals who depend on me, and need me more than the people in my life do. I hang on for them. I purposely have MANY MANY animlas, because I know I wont leave them! AHAH, there is a method to my madness!
Anyhow, I just wnat you both to know that I appreciate you, and that you both make my existance here on planet earth a bit less lonely! So, if I matter a tiny bit to anyone, thanks for being here for me!
All my love, Dara, the insignificant!
Mar 21, 2003, 08:25 AM
trust me yoru not insignificant (spelling) and anne when i said sorry i meant ... well.. i didnt mean to make you mad bcuz you kinda sounded mad and i dont like to make people mad at me bcuz lol i cant stand to lose any frends..i.. thank you.. for saying im sweet.. and.. stuff... how old are you anyhow?? lol sorry but i had to ask.. ROoze*
Mar 21, 2003, 08:27 AM
Please, dont ask me how old I am... :'( :'( :'(
I am turning OLDER in April, and I dont want to face it...LOL
Mar 21, 2003, 10:28 AM
In the world of mindbrain age doesnt matter.... funny im using that saying again...
Mar 30, 2003, 01:03 PM
I was the baby at first on this site ;D
I still have a binky
Mar 30, 2003, 02:38 PM
haha ok sorry well im 15 so.. haha.. thanx ROozE*
Apr 02, 2003, 04:50 AM
Rose really cares about you! I think she is around the same age as you!? am I right?? ??? and can somewhat understand empathize if you will WE all care about you here I care about you because you have so much to offer this world! Whe you say nothing matters it is like saying you don't matter and YOU DO MATTER more than right now you may realize! What you are going through is very hard and painful but I can sense strength you have inside that maybe you don't even realize right now is there! There are some days in my life where I wanted to give up I thought i was so weak and could not handle another heartbreaking blow to my life but I did and you will too You will perservere! I know you hate your mom right now I don't get along with my mom either! :-/ To me she is mere aqantaince like someone you walk down the hall at school and say hi too that is all she is to me! I wish we had a better relationship! :-/ I wish she was more of a mom to me but that doesn't make me any less of a person and nor should it you! You need to focus on your life at hand Anne and I hope and pray your mom will come to realize what a beautiful daughter she really does have underneath the heartache and turmoil that hides such a beautiful and loving soul! You have to believe that! search that until you find it! and embrace and love yourself! I know how much having someone very close to be disappointed in you and how low it can make you feel inside Yes you are already dissapointed in yourself and you don't need to hear others are too on top of it all I completely understand but Please don't be dissapointed in yourself because others are! if they are dissapointed in you then they need to get over it... realize you are human and you make mistakes! That you have feelings too. Keep your chin up girl please! so many love you around here! I hope this helps if youever need anything at all please know that I am here as your friend to listen offer support encouragement whatever it is you may need come here and vent I see that you have a journal that is such a theraputic thing to have I used to journal and write all the time and there were times it was my writing that saved me! You will look back on it someday and you can see how much you grew and just how far you came!!!!!
well I am here for you
forever a friend,
Apr 04, 2003, 03:42 PM
ya i do care about her..well you.. haha i do.. am i around ur age?? ROozE*
Apr 05, 2003, 10:42 AM
There is nothing left for me to say that you havent said already! Wonerful post, good advice and all so true!
Apr 06, 2003, 04:27 AM
Yeah close rose im 16, but ..... i grew up a bit to fast.... and now i get made fun of for trying to be the kid i never got to fully be....
Apr 06, 2003, 06:55 AM
I hear ya Anne! I was NEVER a kid, and now I am 26 and I love to PLAY! I love to play games and sports, anything fun and silly! Got to make up for some of the yease lost! Though I will never have the chance to be carefree, as now I have responsibilities, but I do my best to be a kid when I get the chance!
All my lve,
Apr 06, 2003, 08:05 AM
yes well i try my be4st to be what i missed but it pisses people off alot....
Apr 06, 2003, 08:57 AM
who cares if it pisses people off
they'll get used to it ;D
Apr 06, 2003, 11:10 AM
Not only wil they get used to it, they will eventually find something ELSE to get pissed about! LOL..thats life I tell you! No matter WHAT, someone is always annoyed at me, even if I didnt do anything worng! I am SOOOOO used to that!
Dara...BTW, I didn't do it!
Apr 06, 2003, 12:31 PM
me too Dara me too
Apr 06, 2003, 05:22 PM
aw shit man dont let that shit get you down iight? you kool . and you rock .. just be th way you are!!! ROZE*
Apr 14, 2003, 06:19 AM
yes girl be who you are no matter what. You matter and as soon as you accept yourself as you are then others will see you as you are and they will love you for being you!!! And the ones who don't are the ones who don't accept themselves and ones who want to be accepted.
I wish you lots of luck and happiness in your life experiences and you have lots of support here for the not so good life experiences. hang in there life if sometimes rough but life is really what you make it ;-)
Apr 22, 2003, 11:16 AM
Last night my mom and I had the fight from hell. We screamed back and forth for about 30 minutes then.. she picked up her keys got in the cars and left my dad and I there.... after saying "I'm the only Bad guy in the family and im worthless so you and your dad can talk and do whatever and ill just ingnore you (the you was to me not my dad...)" after about 3 hours she came home and yelled at my dad for not taking her side... then went to bed... Ive never made her leave the house befor e and at that time I didnt care. I mean I love my mom but I also hate her. shes so judgemental i can't even bring my friends over without her finding something wrong with them. I get so annoyed by it ! Grrr...
Apr 22, 2003, 11:24 AM
Oh Anne, that sounds like a terrrible fight. I am sorry you had to go through that! Fights are the WORST, and I tell you , nobody wins when there is a yelling fight. Only feeelings get hurt and all. Please know yo are not the bad one in this, it seems lke your parents have a lot of issues and you are just stuck in the middle of it all. Sure, you love your mom and dad, so it is a hard place to be right now.
What is the outcome of the fight? Where did your mom go for 3 hours? Are you ok?
Ihope I can help you a bit...
Apr 22, 2003, 11:34 AM
beats me?... i dont know where she went... driving i guess... and i'll live
Apr 26, 2003, 04:06 PM
yea gurl.. you be ok? you sure? cuz lol i know that peple say that but.. they arent.. i mean jeez lol i know frst hand.. so are you ok? Roze
Apr 27, 2003, 01:30 AM
yeah, im fine
Apr 29, 2003, 03:02 PM
Hey I'm sure ALL of us have had thoughts of suicide at some point or another.
Hell.....one time I even told my mom I was goin to kill myself and she said "Go ahead! Do it!"
Even though it happened 5 yrs ago I still remember it vividly.
I do truly believe that we ALL have a purpose on this god forsaken planet. No matter what it may be.
Once you find that purpose you realize that suicide is just a waste of potential.
May 19, 2003, 10:33 AM
Your mom said go ahead and do it?? omg i would have been like fuine and did it.. im gald your ok tho.. well i mean ARE you ok?? ROze
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