May 08, 2003, 09:08 AM
i don't know how much of an actual disease this is.....more or less my own insecurities i guess....
but for the life of me i absolutly CANNOT express myself out loud-i just can't seem to do it, if i am with a guy i can't tell him how much i care for him or that i am there for him if he ever needs me, i can't tell family members that i love them, i can't tell friends how much they mean to me......
the only way i can get anything out is through my writing, which i am overly greatfull for BUT i cannot go thru life writing poems and letters to everyone inorder to express my feelings for them
i honestly have no idea why i am this way......but i always have been
part of me wants to say that it has something to do w/ my past-my "father's" emotional abuse and criticisms, but God i hate to think that i am any certain way due to him, i hate to even think that i have allowed him to affect me in anyway.......
idk i just needed to get that out b/c lately there's a lot that i have been holding inside that i just really wish i could get it all out to the people that i need to.
May 09, 2003, 12:51 PM
I understand girl! I really do! I have a hard time expressing my feelings too because of my past and my emotional abuse as well at the hands of my peers and I grew up in a dysfunctional family! Maybe that is why I fit in so well here nahhh...just joking!!! It may very well be that you are unavble to express yourself because of the abuse of your father....I wish I could make it easier for you but it takes alot of time!!! I am still working on! I have alot of fears and insecurities too girl but that doesn't make us less of people.....we are unique and special to soooo many people never doubt that! I want you to know you have expressed your friendship to me beautifully! You have shown what a beautiful and true frined you are and it shine through to me how much you care.....Remember your poetry is your gift and God gave it to you to use as a way to express written words are words too and sometimes things come out awesome written out better than we could ever express verbally....you are alot like me to express things I write and that is where my emotion is most people don't see it on the surface but have to dig deeper within me....I am a very emotional person but some don't see that because I don't always project that! I have a fear a BIG one of rejection....it is hard but i am working on it I am glad you posted here and I realize you are going through a tough time right now but remember I am always here if you ever need a friend! I suggest youpost this in Dara's forum on Abuse let her and other know about this and maybe they could help you sort it out if it stems from your abuse form your father that is if you feel comfortable doing so.. ;D ? oh an you are your own person your father may be your father but please don't ever think he made you feel this way.... You were influenced by his actions no doubt but you have gained strength and rised above it!!!
Good luck with all of this!
Later dayz Gurl!
May 09, 2003, 01:28 PM
thanks Chrissy :)
i will post this in the abuse forum
i don't even consider this man my father anymore-went thru the whole adoption-so legally he is not-his name was even removed from my birth certificate-but to think that he has caused this problem...that i am this way b/c of him...that he hinders my ability to express myself-that hurts more than anything-i don't want any part of him effecting me ever-i want him gone-but i know that in my mind he never will be :-/
thank you again for such kind hearted words....you are a very special person and a wonderful friend 8)