its like the pain that never ends
my mother never cares about anything that i do her stupid hick boyfriend is completly oblivious to everything and anything that happens around him.
all they care about is when i do something wrong.
its like no matter what i do
no matter what i say
no matter how F**KING hard i try they will never understand or notice whats makeing me happy
do they even care?
everytime they find something to b*tch at me about they are haveing the best day of there lifes it just makes them happy
so i screw up purposely and hurt my self for there attension
and i still feel so alone and unwanted, worthless

its funny...i thought being an only child would make me spoiled

smoke weed

sounds kool thank you

Hey,

I just read about your plight. I been hearing the almost identical story on other sites I travel between. I understand the need for recognition for the good that we do and that if it doesn't come then people seek out the same recognition for whatever they may do. What I don't understand is why people keep wanting to make other people personal problems thiers. Your mother and her boyfriend reluctance to acknowledge you and your actions is thier problem; why make it yours?
People let this crap keep piling up on them until they start cutting, shooting themselves and others. There is already too much death and dying in the world and too many people willing to go. Why be in such a hurry to die, your life is already too short from the day you were born. Try living, really living. Man it is tough. And it takes a strong person to do it and do it well.
I've done the cutting, the shooting- guns as well as drugs (1969-1988), smoked everything that at the time could be smoked. I went through sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse. I came from a racial mixed family with an alcoholic drug addict dad and a mother who did all she could to enable him.
For the longest time, I thought that the beatings and everything else was normal life.
But then I got out and around; I started to see how death darkness and despair weren't the only alternatives available to me. The lyrics that you read of mine came mostly from out of the bad old days or of memories from that time period.
But that ain't the way that I see things now.
What I'm saying, is this,
What is it that you are really looking for,,,
An excuse to die, there are a million of them.
Or are you looking for a reason to live?
On the off chance that you're looking for a reason to live here's just one:
Live and live well, people that don't like you or who would choose to ignore you, will just get thiers guts all in knots seeing you living and having a good time.


Until...

Spoken like a well seasoned survivor. Like your posts. Sometimes I wonder about steps along the path and how setting the direction is always necessary. I think that asking that one flies to the end straight away comes form not wanting others to suffer, but I am not so sure they can do it, I think sometimes they feel helpless especially when young.

I agree wholeheartedly with you that the challenge to live and live well is tough and well worth the effort. When thinking about change it seems that we go through this process at times, the first step on the path to this kind of enlightenment occurs after burning ourselves out on all other options, the bungy thing, hit rock bottom, bounce back? I think you are advising here that lonely one can bounce back before hitting rock bottom? If so, I agree with you. We can do this when we make whatever we are currently doing our personal rock bottom already. E.g. I am done with this process, I am over myself doing this, hey is there not something even slightly better than this out there, where's the fun in this, where's the fun out there, who around me are having a good time, and how can I find out just exactly how they are doing that? We can learn from others, I know I have not tried certain experience because someone has explained what happened to them and I did not want their experience. Thanx for sharing your journey, it is important, congratulations on your escape from the dark side, your advice is street wise wisdom, the most valuable kind.

Lonely One - it is very important in Life to really listen and really hear from the pain of others, the message is - YOU do not have to go there, a useful question might be - what steps do I have to take to avoid going to that place in myself? Most important, listen to the small voice within that answers. You know that movie with Gwyneth Paltrow, sliding doors or something? - about the two realities of her life that occurred from changing one small choice? Sometimes we can park at the fork and look down each road without having to drive down each to see if we are right about what is at the end. Others who have been there before have mapped it already. Take the scenic route, be good to yourself. Strngr is right. Ignore their negative behaviour and pay attention to the times they get it right. The younger generation are born with more wisdom than the last, teach them how to do it, role model what you want from them to them. It may not be as easy as you think, but when accomplished you'll have a fantastic people skill for a lifetime and won't make anyone else feel how you do now. A friend of mine has a good motto - "Treat yourself nice."

(t4e two letters between f and i are disabled on my computer so im usin9 4 and 9 to repace t4em...)

look back 5 years, at w4ere you were in life. was it anyt4in9 like w4ere you are now? 5 years a9o would you 4ave envisioned yourself anyw4ere near w4ere you are now? probably not, your life may 4ave been a lot better or worse or just different, and you may 4ave envisioned your life 5 years later as bein9 better or worse or different t4an it is now. but rat4er t4an lookin9 at 4ow muc4 better or worse it is, look at 4ow muc4 it 4as c4an9ed. t4is is proof t4at no matter 4ow sta9nant your life seems ri94t now it 4as t4e potential to c4an9e, and from t4is point on if you do everyt4in9 you can to make a positive c4an9e t4en t4in9s s4ould 9et better. t4ey may not end up as 9ood as you want to make t4em because t4ere are a lot of factors in your life t4at you 4ave no control over, but t4e small portion of your life t4at is in your 4ands, take t4at portion and make t4e best of it, and t4e ot4er portions may follow, and if t4ey dont t4en at least you will 4ave one portion of your life t4at is in order. 5 years may seem like a lon9 time, but its not lon9 in relation to t4e rest of your life, and keep in mind you wont be livin9 wit4 your mom and step-dad forever.