Nothing fits, this should be good, right? I feel a sence of accomplishment when my jeans fall off...yet I feel dread inside as well. Dread form knowing that the accomplishment feeling will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. My new challenge will be getting smaller sizes that fit, and then making THEM fall off me too. When will this end?

Tonignt I ate something (would be nothing to most) and I felt it rotting in my stomach for hours. I hate knowing that my stomach is not empty. I feel dirty, infected...I cant wait till the burning inside lets me know I am empty again, clean and pure. I threw out all the food so I wont be weak and slip up again.

All of this is nonsense, all of this is torture, yet this is my life. One day I hope to be gone, just to silently slip away.

What a load. To you, this eating disorder is a way of life. For me, it started out as a simple diet...calorie counting, portion control, but then it escalated. I cut needed calories in half, exercised almost every day. Fortunately, I didn't throw up my food, but I did try laxatives which I quit almost immediately. The feeling was repulsing. Anyways, since I felt too weak to purge or take laxatives, I started starving myself. But that kept up for only a month. I sound stupid.

How long have you had this eating disorder? Do you intend on changing?

Since I am 11 years old, which means 17 LOOOONG yars. I have intended on changing every day of my life since then...

Silke,

I know you understnad me more then anyone else could...

Love ya!

i feel the same way. you captured my feelings perfectly.