I Was Just Another Screw To A Friend I Once Knew

If you need to know the reason I wrote this,
If you really want to know; why?
It's because when you get around to reading this,
I don't have to look you, in the eye.

Because right now, I don't think very highly of myself,
Right now, I think I am dirt,
And to look in your eyes, and tell you this,
Would cause me even more hurt.

So please, forgive me,
For me there is no other way,
Of how, I can tell you,
What I need to say.

I know what I will say will hurt you too,
Because after all, you are my friend,
And somebody close to you got the bitter part,
Of, a bitter-sweet end.

To try and find sense in this world,
To try and make sense of this place,
I try to see the world through others eyes,
But I see it with my own face.

With no thoughts of discontent,
With no actual thoughts of danger,
I didn't know, I it would go so wrong,
I was going out with a friend, not a stranger.

You know where I was that night,
So that we don't need to name,
It doesn't make any difference,
It will still, be the same.

I knew HE was possibly drunk,
I knew HE wanted something from me,
I knew what could possibly happen,
Was standing in front of me.

If I drink too much beer, knowingly,
Knowing it would make me sick,
If this were to go wrong, then surely HE would think
Of me first, and not HIS dick.

As the night began, the beer flowed,
The subject got around to sex,
It doesn't take a professor,
To guess what happened next.

But I just sat there, I let HIM touch me,
I just let HIM get on with it,
It was obvious HE was going to do it, now,
It was obvious HE, didn't give a sh*t.

I just let HIM do it to me,
I didn't put up a fight,
I thought that would be wrong of me,
Because what He was doing, wasn't right.

Oh, it was right for HIM,
But it wasn't right for me,
I hoped in way HE would understand,
My lack of actions, would make HIM see.

That what HE was doing, was not right,
But in HIS mind, HE saw no wrong,
It was the start of a terrible night,
One that went on for far too long.

I thought; if I didn't respond at all,
To any advances from his side,
Then we could just stop now and forget it
Friendship intact, nothing to hide.

But HE was rather persistent,
HIS mind now already set,
HIS mind says, sex is what HE wants,
And sex is something, HE'LL get.

HE carried on, reguardless,
I tried to carry on watching the TV,
Maybe HE thought, if HE carried on long enough,
It would maybe have a positive affect on me.

But how is it supposed to positively affect me ?
HE'S doing something HE wants, and I don't,
And HE'S doing it more and more,
I show HIM, it's something I won't.

After a short while, I asked HIM to stop.
HE said, "Of course," HE would,
After all, a no, is a no,
And a no, should be respected, it should.

But within the next ten minutes or so,
Whilst the beers again began to flow,
Something strange happened,
Suddenly, "no", no longer meant "no".

HE says, I know, you said, "no",
HE says, I know, I said, "no",
But, that was at leas......t,
20 minutes ago.

The hands began to wander; again,
As if the, "no", had never occured,
"Why, should a friend not respect ?"
Not respect, their very own word.

Lighting up, joint after joint,
Just helping to make it through,
HE doesn't like them, it keeps HIM at bay,
It was something I felt I could do.

After reminding HIM again of the first "no",
Followed by HIS slow hesitant apology,
The hands went back to their rightful place,
And away from me.

HE says, I know, you said, "no",
HE says, I know, I said, "no",
But, that was at lea.......st,
40 minutes ago.

The conversation still revolves around : sex,
It may as well, as that's HIS plans for the night,
Just watching porn, talking about this and that,
No indication yet, of a possible fight.

The beer starts taking its affect,
You know I cant tollerate much,
Because what was once, in my stomach,
It, and I, lose personal touch.

After throwing up for sometime,
Making sure HE heard, I was being sick,
I thought, when HE came in to reassure a weary head,
It wasn't, the one on HIS dick.

HE says, I know, you said, "no",
HE says, I know, I said, "no",
But, that was at le..........ast,
An hour ago.

But HE had a different idea,
Seeing me half naked, in a heap on the floor,
I thought, it would have made HIM think,
Of stopping: and not, wanting more.

Kneeling, over the toilet bowl.
Head bowed in shame and pain.
The last thing you expect to feel,
Are those wandering hands again.

Butt naked, and exposed,
Doped, drunk in a pile,
How can this sorry sight,
Make a friend smile ?

Why can't HE see HIS thoughts are wrong ?
Why can't HE see my pain ?
Why does the sight of helplessness,
Make HIM think about sex again ?

In this most exposed, showing of despair,
No matter how bad you think, you have it in the end,
Someone will always, be willing to screw you,
Even when the someone is your friend.

After getting dressed, and being told to sit down again,
Trousers open, self on show,
Next thing that comes, to run through your mind,
Has HE already forgotten the, "no" ?

When I refused to remove my trousers,
A tone of discontent came in HIS voice,
Will this turn out violent ? I thought,
Is HE really, going to make that choice ?

I reminded HIM of the, "no",
It seemed to calm HIM down,
It lasted for about an hour or so, this time,
Before Mr. Wandering Hands, came back to town.

HE says, I know, you said, "no",
HE says, I know, I said, "no",
But, that was at l..........east,
Two hours ago.

More beer, more joints, more sick,
Didnt care by now, what HE would do,
The more beer HE drank,
The less capable HE was too.

Every hour or so, for some time,
The "no" had to be retold,
And everytime you heard it,
You knew, it was already getting old.

It was easy, not to reach climax,
As it wasn't enjoyable, for me,
Hours and hours of my lack of interest,
It made HIM actually see.

That no matter, what HE did,
HE couldnt get me, to touch HIM too,
If I don't touch, I 'm showing unwillingness,
You know, this is true.

Eventually, I got to the bed.
Some sanity, I needed to keep,
So I hurried myself, all night,
Tried to hurry myself, to sleep.

To take away the visions,
Of what just went on,
Trying to make it, disappear,
Trying to make it : gone.

Sleeping with a weapon,
Tucked under the pillow, easy to get,
HE might want to try again, as I sleep,
HE might not be finished with me, yet.

HE says, HE knows, I said, "no",
HE says, HE knows, HE said, "no",
But the only "no" HE remembers,
Was hours and hours ago.

So when you wake up,
In mornings illuminating glow,
You see the sleeping body of a friend,
A friend, who couldnt accept a "no".

So now, I know what it feels like,
Just like so many others too,
To some friends; you are a friend,
I was just another screw, to a friend I once knew.

All I can say to close this dark chapter,
Try and find some sort of sense, out of all of this,
The wrong intentions were never mine.
The wrong intentions were always HIS.

Ahh. The demon one eyed monster. I'm ashamed to say I recognise the setting. I've been there once or twice myself, in the role of protagonist. Thankfully no more. I was younger then, and had not yet learned to tell when no meant NO. Men should be taught from early adolescence how to properly read the signals.

A brilliant poem in your inimitable style.

This is a well-expressed poem. It moved slowly like the night being described itself.

Important content expressed in this poem.