Be harsh!
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A sightless orange amidst a sea of dim recollection, the sun descends, still scarcely atop the horizon.
We sit together, as we always have, feigning ignorance of the rift grown between us
As the crimson gloom of the evening paints our eyes;
And I remember our times past--the laughter all but purportless.
We sit together, sharing the skies,
And I wonder why the stars have not begun to speckle them
With their distant shimmers of light.
Abruptly you rise, turn, and walk away; and without a spoken word
I see you dissipate through the vaporous blood,
Mourning your loss, and yet powerless to restrain you; for to obtest would be in vain.
The vast, lifeless, unforgiving sky is mine.
Its darkness pervades my vision; all that once was vibrant now desolate
For lack of the sun’s familiar golden glare.
I have lost the sun and the stars, and all memories of you are lost in the absence of twilight.

I would be harsh....But I truly enjoyed your use of freelance style and word choice, and I cannot nit pick by locating grammar problems....So I'm afraid all I can say is : Good job. Keep at it.

~Much Love~
Rose