A Stranger Child From The Past

A nuance, a small semblance, a tiny eye-smile
Lots of big smiles, trying to touch in conversation
Intimate stories to quite a stranger child from the past
Sensing heartbeats raised every moment, trusting to show secret scars from the years

The eyes always seem to catch and no-one else sees
Such history is revealed in just one hour
Reasons to stay, excuses to go, extending the time
Seeing heartbeats raised every moment, care over scars come the future

Darkness falling, no longer a stranger, drinking together
Contact is noticed, trepidation and hesitation
Making the break, making it quickly, talking away the memory
Yearning to stay, yearning to return, touching the photograph

This piece touches me, in that I feel more the tragic twin of this character, than just mere relating.

I would soften the lines up a bit, though, instead of over-extending them.

The comma's are ok, but maybe replace the commas by dropping the line down making the point more clearer and reduce running the words together like one strand.

If I may be so bold as to show you an alternative to what I mean (since I suck at remembering proper words and such, I'll just show you).



A nuance
a small semblance
a tiny eye-smile
Lots of big smiles,..
trying to touch in conversation
Intimate stories to quite a stranger child from the past
Sensing heartbeats raised every moment
trusting to show secret scars from the years

The eyes always seem to catch and no-one else sees
Such history is revealed in just one hour
Reasons to stay
excuses to go,..
extending the time
Seeing heartbeats raised every moment
care over scars come the future

Darkness falling
no longer a stranger
drinking together
Contact is noticed..
trepidation and hesitation
Making the break
making it quickly
talking away the memory
Yearning to stay
yearning to return.....
touching the photograph


This way helps me, at least, to remain focused, because now the meaning and wording of this write isn't running together, as well as the comma's, now, no longer distract.

I hope this is ok with you.

Sincerely and
Safe journey
Aiyana

I am a long-time fan of the same approach that Aiyana speaks of. It allows me to get the reader to focus not only on my "mini satements" but also on my pauses. So that you're reading it just as I wrote it and read it back to myself. I feel as though it improves communication between the writer and the reader when you can absorb it in the same manner in which it was written. Our opinions aside I thought it was a fantastically, visual, and engaging write. It remindes me of past relationships that were entered with skecpticism or that great care was taken in fostering - a little uncertainty. It also reminds me of speaking to people I didn't necessarily intend, or want to talk to only to find out how much I was enriched my my conversation with them or how intrigued I was by their words, stories, etc. It really brought a flood of things to mind. Very thought-provoking. It's a keeper!

Your poetic friend,

Kevin

I agree with Kevo, here, about all of this, but on a much more deeper intent,of how it striked such fimiliarity in me, but on the level of the abused always forced to remain silent until no longer in that particular enviroment, then my desperately needing to tell others, so that I can obtain the sense that I was not the one broken, and yet, these open, and honest spilling out's of my pain and delemmas would frighten the very people away that I was so hoping to build an attatchment to. I heard and felt this past come upon me so feirce and strong, as if this child in me, the need to be loved and needed was here staring me in the face and in the heart again.
I felt this with every word and every line as a blow of how much I still do this today, and how some thing's just can not be healed in the search alone.

If that makes any sense.

This is encredible to me, drew me in, because from that perspective, I have lived this life in very much the exact way as you describe the child from the past trying so much to settle in the present and belong in the future.

Excellent write, for all of my poems I write pertaining to this very thing, you have summed up in one single poem.

My heart and hat is off to you, my dear friend.

Blessed Be!
Aiyana

Beautiful work.