I wish I could explain....


I'll never be able to describe the immense fear of eating in public, especially at restaurants. I don't know why I'm scared to let other people prepare my food or why I'm insistent that they didn't give me the fat free dressing or diet soda I had ordered.

....I don't know why I can't get past the fear that everyone's trying to sabotage my diet because they want me to be fat forever.

I can't explain what it's like to count calories or why I doubt their accuracy, thinking the manufacturer typed the wrong calorie amount or serving size.

I can't begin to describe the amount of trust it takes for me to believe that I did only have X amount of calories or how confused it makes my head when I recount the numbers over and over again, just to be reassured that I didn't exceed my limit.

I wish I could put words to how my empty stomach feels when I pass through the aroma of good food or how it pains when I see others eat the food I can only crave. And why when I do indulge do I feel so guilty and sick to my stomach? I wish I could describe how it feels to sleep through the day because I simply have no energy or how I'm kept awake at night from a pounding headache and dizziness.

Words cannot begin to explain how it feels to be so painfully lonely, even in a room full of friends and loved ones. I can't describe how much it hurts to crave laughter, but not even manage to crack a smile. I forget what it feels like to be happy, with my body, with my self.

I can't clearly depict how it feels to look in the mirror and not only hate what I see, but despise it.

....Or how I want to wish it all away, how I want to wish EVERYTHING away.

I can't explain what it's like to think about death and wish it upon myself, that being my only truly pleasurable thought. Or how I think about how easy it'd be to take too many pills or waste away slowly.

I wish I could explain how it feels to have all of these feelings and know I'm the ONLY ONE TO BLAME.

100% on target...I could have written EVERY WORD!!!! It was kind of eerie reading this cause I didint write it but it is all true for me as well.

Love ya,
Dara