I guess I wish not to be alive anymore, I guess I want to be away from all the pain that is trapped inside. If only I could get it out, maybe then I could begin to live. That is impossible so I then will try to dissappear...

It is so hard to eat...I try, and I get sick. I try to eat and then I start to panic. It is just horrible. The longer I go without food, the easier it is to not eat, the sicker eating makes me. It is just a vicious cycle I cant seem to escape.

All is ok if the scale tells me so, the lbs keep leaving, and I wonder...how much more can this body take? How long can it function without food? The xcycle pushes on...

Silke,

I know of all people YOU can understand how Ia m feeling. I am trying to eat, it is just so damn hard. I DONT want to go to a hosp, I would never willingly go...I just dont know how to stop this escelating mess I am in.

Love ya,
Dara

I DO understand....
I cant eat either.
No matter what.

Have you considerd to tell your T. about the situation that you are in?
I mean...REALLY tell her:Tell her that life is HELL right now and that you dont know how to control it?

Silke,

I am honestly afraid to tel my T the truth, because I have been telling her lies about what I am eating and she THINKS I am eating more (but not enough) and she is asking me to work with a psychiatrist or go to a hosp...and I KNOW if I tell her the truth she will flip out. I am scared she will try to get me in a hosp. I dont know what to do, but I am too scared to tell anyone the truth.

I guess for now I will just keep on going till something breaks...

Love ya,
Dara

Oh Dara....your T. wouldnt flip out......
She is there to help you:NOT to punish you.
She CANT force you to go to a hospital....
(Just dont sign anything,ok?)

You know....sooner or later...you body wont be able to go on like you do now...
Wouldnt it be better to tell your T. about the situation BEFORE you are rushed to a hospital in an ambulance...
I am SO SO WORRIED about you......


I have to ask you something....

Have you ever heard about the Montreux-clinic in Canada?
http://www.montreux.org/
...a few young women here from germany have been sent there after being diagnosed as "Hopeless-anas" here....
What do you think of that?

I guess I am one of those "hopeless"ones....
Could it be worth a try?


(BTW...did you get my long e-mail yesterday?Sorry for rambling like that....)

Oh Silke, I didnt get your email yesterday...I checked a few times and there was nothing. COuld you please re send it to me?

I KNOW my T will insist I see a psychiatrist or go to a hosp if she knows what I have been going thru. She tells me it is all in my head that I get sick when I eat, she tells me it is all in my head that I feel like choking or that i feel the food in my stomach, all my imagination that I feel sick to my stomach when I do eat. Well, I cant handle hearing that anymore, cause I DO feel those things and if I am imagining them or not, the FEELING is real and I dont know what to do...


I have not heard about that placei n Canada, but I will look into it. Do you think you will go there? Maybe I will meet you there, and we can be roommates!

Please send me that email again, thanks
Love,
Dara