Time to say Good-bye?


I never knew that having an eating disorder was so much work. No one ever told me that this is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, job. Something I don't enjoy all the time, don't get paid for, and can't share triumphs and let downs. Won't get a raise, and it won't lead me to a future of greatness or success.

I never knew that I would be so tired some days that I can't go anywhere or do anything, I can only lie down; I never knew that the days when I do get up, I would spend them hunched over a toilet after eating only a few small bites....
Just ONE spoon of soup....

I never knew that eating disorders are not about food, but about complex, underlying issues and emotions that can only be dealt with by professionals and a will within; that this is a way of dealing with pains that only a few people can identify with, and even fewer overcome.

I never knew that a disease that once seemed so desirable to me would end up being my best friend and worst enemy, the thing I trust the most, and the thing that often fails me, my comfort, and my pain; all at the same time.

I never knew that accompanied with this disease are bloodshot eyes, sore throats, broken blood vessels, bruised fingers, and fatigue; silent loneliness, seclusions, and entrapment in my own body.

But most of all, I never knew that this would be so hard to rid myself of. To say goodbye to to my ED. No one ever told me that this is not a way of life; that nothing good will come of this, it will only bring heartbreak and pain, grief and sorrow. I never knew that this would consume me to a point of what seems like no return; that I could never tell anyone because they wouldn't understand, but most of all because they would try to get rid of it for me; to wean me away from this horrible lifestyle that I love. I never knew what this was really about.

Time to say Goodbye?
I wish I COULD....

Can I....?

I would say that truly it is the underlying issues that are important. the only way out is war, and the only way to win is to hold your enemies fully accountable with prejudice. If there is nothing left to live for but life itself, then you have the key of knowledge. Few have such a key, thus to have this key is to have a path to power. Power molds the universe. What would you like to make of the universe?