The following article was recently featured in the Otter Realm newspaper at Cal State, Monterey Bay.
“Eating disorders”
She is lying on a small, hard bed, her diminutive frame silhouetted by insufficient light from a single lamp. She hasn’t moved for thirteen days. Inside, her body is eating itself; her heart rate has dropped dangerously low, her stomach lining has corroded, and she is in immediate danger of dying.
While this sounds like a scene from Somalia or Kosovo, it was in fact the scene in the dorm room of a CSUMB student. Her name is Catherine. She was anorexic. She had been anorexic for six years.
“There was a battle in my head every minute of those thirteen days; I felt like I finally had control, even though I was physically so weak that I could barely walk up the stairs to class or even to study” she said about the experience. “I also knew that I would end up in the hospital again, so I wanted to go as long as I could without eating before they found out. I was proud of myself though because I had finally "accomplished" my goal, yet I was deathly afraid that it would kill me before someone forced me to get help. I didn't want to die, but once I went day after day without food, I couldn't stand the thought of eating again.”
Anorexia nervosa is one of many eating disorders that affect many young women and men in countries around the world. Anorexia is a psycho physiological disorder that is characterized by a fear of becoming obese, along with a distorted self-image, a persistent unwillingness to eat, and severe weight loss. It is often accompanied by self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise, malnutrition, and other physiological changes. Only half of those that report the illness are cured.
Reports suggest that one out of 100 college-age women suffer from anorexia and four out of 100 suffer from bulimia. While these numbers seem small, they imply that at least one person every individual knows is suffering from a potentially fatal disease.
Catherine had been basically starving herself to keep from becoming fat. She had never weighed more than XX pounds. Her self-image was distorted by the disease, and it very nearly killed her. After the thirteen day fast, she was admitted to the Children’s Hospital in Denver, Colorado. This was her second stay.
“The first time I wanted to get better, but the entire time I was in the hospital I felt fat and I hated the weight they made me put on. I was disgusted with myself. I did what I had to do to get out, and then I relapsed. I was finally ready to recover and accept the help that they were offering. It was the same both times, but the second time I made the decision to get better. Also, I finally felt okay about my body image.” That step was the first one on her long road to recovery.
“In the Intensive Care Unit, the food and weight bothered me. I hadn't had one thing to eat for 13 days, so it was really hard. Not only was it hard mentally, but physically it hurt my stomach so badly. I didn't keep anything down the first week I was there the second time. Even though they took every measure they could against it, I always found a way to get around them. But then I realized what I was doing to myself and to my life, and that was all it took. I realized that I couldn't continue living that way, and that I would never have the things I wanted. I lost so much. I had to drop out of my first year of college. I lost countless of friends and opportunities. From that day forward I fought the voice in my head and the number on the scale.”
“I also did one exercise while I was in the medical unit that had a huge impact. It was called body mapping. One of the therapists laid down a piece of paper the size of a human body. I had to wear tight spandex clothing which was really hard. She marked where my head and my feet were on the paper, but from there I had to trace what I thought my body size was. Then she had me lie down and line up my head and feet again, and she traced my actual body. The difference between how I viewed my body and its actual size was sickening. I had grossly misinterpreted it. There was about a three or four inch difference.” The exercise made her realize that the image she saw in the mirror was distorted by disease, that it was in her head. “It made me realize that people saw me as skinny, too skinny, and all I could focus on was the fat that I imagined on my body, but the scariest thing was that it was so real in my head. I really thought that I was fat, that I was that big, and looking at the body map proved that I was wrong.”
Today, Catherine has recovered for the most part, but she still has difficulties facing everyday life. “I still struggle. I think I always will a little bit in my head. My image of my body is much better, but there are days that I still catch myself thinking that I need to lose weight. In the hospital they taught us how to do a "reality check" and that is what I have to do on days that I struggle. I am happy though, and I never imagined that I would be. I wanted happiness so badly, but it seemed that I would never have it because of my eating disorder. I am finally ‘out of my head’ as they put it at Children's [Hospital], which means that I can actually go through a day and interact and make decisions that are not influenced by my eating disorder. I am finally free to be spontaneous, to cry, to laugh, to actually take pride in myself and my life, and most importantly to love. I am the girl that was trying to get out for six years, but was buried and masked. Another big difference is my memory; the last six years are a blur. I remember very little. Not only that, but it was like my life started in eighth grade. I have very few memories of even elementary school, which is hard.”
Changes have occurred on the outside too. “Physically, I am finally getting healthier. All the hair that I lost is finally growing back and it is shiny and thick. My skin is clear and colorful. I have energy, and I am not sick for most of the year. I can sleep through the night and then wake up and get out of bed in the morning. I am not cold anymore.”
Eating disorders are devastating for individuals who suffer from them. They assault the mind and body affecting every part of the individual. “There really was nothing else, it affected everything.” Catherine said. They also have a negative impact on people who are close to the affected individual. “It hurt them terribly. I hurt the people I loved, and that was the last thing that I wanted to do,” she said. Eating disorders drive people away, because they are difficult to understand. They combine elements of obsessive-compulsive behavior with a society that places great emphasis on appearance, which overloads some people and the pressure becomes too great. An anorexic is born.
For people battling eating disorders, Catherine’s story may provide some hope, as well as a little incentive to seek help. She said: “I would tell them their eating disorder is not their best friend, it is their worst enemy. Not only does it tear its victim down physically and mentally, but it takes your life away. Be passionate, but about things that make you truly happy, not something that is killing you. I would tell them that they are strong, and that they can be happy. When you have an eating disorder, the future becomes hopeless. The binging, purging, fasting and self-injury all makes you feel better for a brief amount of time, but then you come crashing down again, and so you have to repeat the behavior over and over. It is self-perpetuating and self-fulfilling. An eating disorder tears you down to the point that it is your only refuge or consolation. It deceives you. Therefore you turn to it again and again for the high it gives you when you lose weight or skip a meal, but with every gain, you are a failure because of the unrealistic expectations you set for yourself. That voice in your head will always tell you that you are fat, that you have failed, that you're not good enough, no matter how much weight you lose or food you purge. You have to see past that.”
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