i don't know y i'm still alive, actually not alive but existing. I'm just existing not actually living. Y am i not able to feel anything besides sadness&depression? Y am i not like any other normal humanbeing? Y do iget hurt somuch ? Everytime i get hurt i think nothing worse than this can happen & i won't get hurt again more than this .And everytime i'm wrong again. I get more hurt the next time. I'm really confused. Sometimes i feel so blank , so numb, but at times i feel so sad. Y is it so difficult to understand myself? I don't know what i want from this existence on earth. I really don't know where i'm going. I don't expect anyone to understand me becoz when i can't understand myself how can others understand me? All i can say for sure, only thing i'm confident about is that i hate myself so much. I seem to give others only pain. I don't know y but i always end up hurting others. I don't do it intentionally but it happens. I suffer more than them becoz it hurts me also. Y am i so bad ?So useless? I wish i knew the answers to this . Maybe then i would get some peace.

LonlylGirl,

Your words may as well be my own. I am so sorry you are in such pain right now. I was in the same dispair you are in now not too long ago. Thanks to my therapist and meds, I am no longer AS depressed and in pain as I was. I wish that you can get help form someone. Can yousee a counselor? Are you in school? THere are therapists and people out tehre who do care about you.

What about your family? How do they play a role in your feeling so down? Please know I care and I am here anytime you need to chat.

Love,
Dara

Hello Friend-Dara,
Thanks for u'r kind support. Well, i also underwent psychiatric treatment for depression two years back. Now i'm no longer on medications nor counselling. Actually i don't want to ask anyone for help. My family is very caring but u know i find it difficult to confide about my feelings to them or anyone becoz they get hurt knowing that i'm suffering. Also it willbe difficult for them to understand what exactly i go thru. I find it difficult to understand myself ,so i can't expect them to understand me. I'm working now &that is the only thing that keeps me busy otherwise & takes my mind off. I also find comfort in this great website where i find many like me & especially kindhearted people like u & SilkeLance who is always ready to listen. Thank u so much. U have no idea how much it helps just having someone who listens & understands. Hey do u keep in touch with Silke Lance?I'm really worried about her. I sent her many mails but got no reply. Is she ok?I hope her health is fine. She has helped me a lot. Ok guess i must go now. Take care-Will pray for u'r good health.

Hey,

Silke is ok...she just isnt able to get to a computer for a while. She will be gald to know you are thinking of her though!

As for understanding yourself, that takes some research. Before I researched PTSD, OCD, Depression, SI and anorexia, I thought I was NUTS...and never expected anyone to understand me. I had to explain to my husband about my anxiety/panick attacks because I could not leave my house for a while and he needed to understand. I had him sit down with me and we read together what it feels like to have a panic attack, and he was so upset that I feel that way, now he understands and dosent pressure me(too much) to go and do thngs I fell I cant do.

It was the most difficult thing for me to do, letting people in. I had nothing more to lose though. I was at the end of my rope, I hit bottom...that is what made me get help and go on meds. Things could have not been worse. Today, I am feeling MUCH better. I am not perfect or close to it for that matter, but I have an understanding of myself and I get help when needed.

Please always write here...I wish I could help you more. I know theu others sharing their experiences has helped me, and I hope hearing some of what I struggle with can help you too.

Take care!

Love,
Dara

I feel your pain.

Hi lonelygirl,

Nobody except those who have suffered depression, know what it can be like!
I guess this is true for all major health problems.

I recognise the symptoms you describe all too well. I must say though, that I don't understand why you don't seek medical help!
It is your life; it may well affect your loved ones, but would you not want to help them if they were suffering? They will want to help you, too. If they don't, perhaps because they don't understand your illness, that is their problem.
Only you can improve your quality of life!
Take action and seek help. I know it is not easy, but there are many friends here who will try their best to help you through the situation. You have mentioned a few already, but be be assured that there are more who have perhaps not yet read your post [like me till now].
Medication can help in these situations, even if it is only temporary, whilst your own body recuperates. I found that I need antidepressants all the time, to limit physical problems as well as mental problems. I don't mean I'm a mental case. I mean for functions which the brain normally carries out totally successfully, but which when it lacks the right levels or balance of chemicals, it is not able to perform optimally. Like any emotional activity or feelings, the sense of smell, taste, touch, hearing, or seeing - all can be affected by the brain which is involved in absolutely everything we think or do!
It must be looked after, and a doctor is the only person who can help. I know some people say a cure can come from herbs or thought counselling. But, for an immediate impact and to give respite you can't beat medication, even with the side-effects which can be a nuisance. As you begin to feel better you can move on to other options if you so desire [I will take my antidepressants till I die, because I know they work for me - all I need to do to prove this, is stop taking them]!

Come back with questions whenever you like.
All the best, Bill.

Thank u all for being there to listen& give support.
As to y I’m not going to a doctor-Well, I did undergo psychiatric treatment & was also on medications till about 2 years back. I stopped my medicines when my doctor said I had become normal. I think I’ll go to a doctor again only when it becomes absolutely necessary. I mean when I suffered from depression last time I was in another city & staying in a hostel-I became very clumsy, very impulsive, used to destroy or burn favourite things when sad, irritated etc, used to injure myself, suffered from OCD, stopped eating & was hospitalised after a major suicide attempt. Now I’m at home & though I feel depressed & also feel suicidal at times I never actually do any harm to myself. I feel I’ve more control on myself & that impulsiveness is almost gone. Now when I feel sad I just cry&cry till I feel relieved. Though I feel very lost & sad inside I carry on doing daily chores ..though I do feel robotic. I’m a lot better than last time- probably I’m having a relapse of depression – a milder version-which the doctor had warned me about.
U know, I think if I start taking medicines I probably would feel I’m really sick. I know I know I sound confused. There r two persons inside me –one who knows that I’m not normal & may need help & another who refuses to accept that I’m sick& who believes that I’m strong& capable of looking after myself with no help from anyone or anything. There is this constant struggle between these different beliefs. I pretend to be fine on the outside even when I feel depressed &sometimes I almost believe that I’m ok. When it gets really bad, when it becomes absolutely necessary to let out my bottled up feelings..well..that’s when I visit this site & get some understanding from kindhearted people like all of u . It’s not that I can’t confide in my loved ones-they love me toomuch . It’s just that as Rhymer puts it –NOBODY EXCEPT THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED DEPRESSION, KNOW WHAT IT CAN BE LIKE! . Also I find it difficult to open up to anyone even my family& my boyfriend. I never feel close enough to anyone however much I try-maybe due to my inability to trust people. It’s much safer & easier to confide in strangers who’ll not be too much subjective. I don’t want to be another object of scrutiny under a doctors eye. I don’t want each & every feeling of mine to be scrutinised – y do u feel that way, what makes u say this, try seeing it in another light, think positive etc( do anyone of u feel irritated at u’r doctor when he/she asks such questions) as though I’m a fascinating thing to be studied. I hate being studied-torn apart. Sometimes I don’t want even to be understood. Yeah I know I’m really sounding like CONFUSED NUT. Anyway I’ll definitely go to a doctor when I feel it’s absolutely necessary & I can’t control myself anymore. Till then I’ll continue my 25 year old search- search for my life & it’s meaning. I have started doing some exercise ( I was told exercise is a good way to lift u’r depressing moods) &joined Yoga classes. This website is a blessing for me- I can write what I actually want to without pretending& it is such a relief to be true.Thanks again to all those who have responded to my topic-I wish all of u goodhealth& peace & will include all of u in my prayers. Will write again when the urge & the need comes.