"Dear Albert."

I was wandering though the "After Life" when I came across the spirit of Albert Einstein. He was all curled up tight into a ball a little bigger than a basketball. He was curled so tightly, his spirit look more like a giant pinball; hard and shiny all around. How I knew it was Albert Einstein I'm not sure. I just did.
Now being a big admirer of the Professor, I ventured over and greeted him with a big smile and "Howdy Do."....Nothing! Not sure how things worked, I stood there for a little while before again attempting to get the good professors attention.
"Hello Professor Einstein" I called brazenly....nothing! I began to wonder if he could hear me at all and started to inch a little closer, when the giant pinball that was Albert Einstein opened a giant eye and looked me up and down.
"Go away before I sic the dogs on you!" the giant pinball exclaimed. "I'm not interested in anything you're selling, so go away and leave me alone!" With that he slammed his giant eye shut with an audible "Clang!"

As I ambled slowly away, I thought to myself, " Wow, I wonder what's eating Albert?" Well, I thought I was thinking to myself, but it seems I was thinking out loud, for a voice came from near by and said, "Aw he's just a little pissed right now."
The voice continued..."You see, when the professor first crossed over we asked him if he would mind going back for a little while. At first he protested, saying he just got here, but after explaining it would only be for a sort trip and he would be back here in no time at all, he grudgingly accepted. He almost backed out again when we asked him to go back as a turnip! You see, there is a whole lot of life down on Earth, and things just don't grow by themselves. Everything needs a spirit to help it along. Seeds germinate because they have a spirit to help them. If there isn't a spirit to get them going, they don't grow. Now some spirits go back as trees, and live a long time, except if they go back as Christmas Trees, then they are only there for a few years. Some spirits go back as corn and some as potatoes, and they are usually back in less than a year.
Well, the professor was a little reluctant, but since he liked turnips, and how long would a turnip need a spirit anyway, he agreed to go. Heck, he thought it might be fun, and it certainly would be a new experience being a turnip. He should be back in less than a year.

Well, Albert being Albert, he doesn't do anything in half measures. When he went back as a turnip, unfortunately he went back as a turnip that looked exactly like Albert Einstein! Yep, the spitting image of the Professor himself!
Well, you can just imagine, when people saw the turnip, they couldn't eat it. Nope, they had it preserved and set it on display. The poor Professor was stuck in that damn turnip for six years before it finally started to decay and he could get out! So right now, he is just a little bit pissed, and won't talk to anyone."

C.C.Keiser
7/1/02