Go Into The Light!
( The Whiney Spirit)


It wasn't that she was a prostitute; it was just that the men in her life
never stayed around very long. A few days, a week, maybe a little more
sometimes, but they always left. Some would stop back now and then, only to
leave again. That was all right with her, hell it was more than all right. For
most of them, if they didn't leave she would have thrown them out.

She figured she just wasn't the marrying kind. Her taste in men really
sucked and she knew it. They were the riffraff, the good old boys, the wham
bam, thank you ma'am kind of guys. They were little boys who never grew up, just out
for a good time. Well that was okay, so was she. She was the
wham bam, thank you man kind of girl.

Unfortunately, she wasn't a girl anymore. She was getting old; past her prime, and she
was beginning to look it. Too many good times, too much hard drinking, and
too much hard living and loving were beginning to show in her once lovely
face and her once lovely body, and now she was a mother!

She was not exactly sure how it happened. One day she woke from a drunk and
she was pregnant. Hell, she didn't have a clue who the father was. It could
have been any one of half a dozen guys or maybe none of them. Hell, she was on a
drunk, how the hell could she remember? One thing for sure, it
wasn't Robert Redford! Unless he started hanging out with bikers. What
did it matter who the father was anyway? The kid was hers, he was here, and he
was a pain in the a*s.

She could have gotten rid of him right away when she found out. She and a few friends went out to celebrate. By the time she sobered up it was too late, she was too far gone to abort. Besides she spent the money. On what she didn't remember, probably booze, but it was gone. Anyway, she thought it might be nice to have a kid. To have someone to love and to love her back. Someone who would stick around and not be leaving her in a day or two. Hell, maybe having a kid was just what she needed to start settling down.
She could get a real job and find a nice place to live. She could make a real nice
little home and family. Well it seemed like a good idea at the time. It
didn't work out that way; it never worked out the way she wanted it to.
Even her kid didn't work out the way she wanted.
Here she was, still living in the same dump, still drinking, and still dating the wrong guys, and there he was, still dirty, still smelly, and still whiny. He was a whiny, smelly, dirty, always under foot, pain in the a*s, which just didn't go away.

It was past eleven and he should have been in bed. Instead there he was, outside
playing in the dirt by the junk pile. He was in bed before her date came,
but he never stayed there. How the hell was she supposed to watch him? She
had company, she could not watch him every minute of the day. He must have
gotten up while they were in the bedroom, and now he was outside; whining
again. He was whining to her date to take him along for a ride. Her date was going
out for pizza and beer, and the little brat heard him. Now he was whining to
go along. "I want pizza." "I want to go for a ride." "I want, I want."
That's all the little bastard ever said. "I want!"

She sat on the stoop in the open doorway to the "back yard" watching her
kid whine, and chase after her date. If "yard" is what you could call it; Junk Yard
would be more appropriate, but it was in the back of the building. It was an
old two-story brick building down by the tracks. It must have been an office
building at one time, but it had been converted into apartments; most of them
empty. Hell, all of them were empty except for hers. The rest were in too
bad a shape to live in. The whole thing was going to be condemned any day
now, if it hadn't been already, but the rent was right, nothing. It belonged
to one of her old boyfriends who would stop by from time to time to "collect
the rent." She didn't mind, he treated her nice and he didn't smell. She had
no idea where she would live if they tore the place down, especially with
the brat. She had a few friends who would put her up for awhile, but not
with the kid. The damn kid was always in the way; he always ruined everything.

She sat there in her almost good nightgown. The pale pink one with blue and
white flowers on it. It was only a year old, but it had seen a lot of use
and it was beginning to show. She sat there smoking a cigarette and watched
her dirty, smelly, whiny little bastard whine after her date. She didn't say
a thing. She was hoping he would take the brat along and give her a break
for a little while. She could just make them out in the dim glow from the
light coming from the open door. Her date wasn't amused, he didn't like
kids, and didn't want anything to do with this one. She could just hear him
telling him to go away, to go back to his mom. The kid was persistent in
his whining little voice; he was a pain in the a*s and would not take
'no' for an answer. He just kept at him and at him, whining all the time.
The only thing he understood was a kick in the butt, and still he would keep
at it. "I want." "Take me with you." Her date was getting pissed, but still
she said nothing. She just sat there, silhouetted by the light from the
doorway, in her almost good nightgown; smoking her cigarette.

Finally, her date gave in. She knew he would. That little whiny monster could
wear anyone down. At last a little peace and quiet, a little time all to
herself. She could feel the tension melt away. Just a little time to relaxwithout anyone bothering her. She went back in for a beer and another
cigarette.

Her date never intended to come back. The pizza and beer
was just an excuse to get out of there. He got what he wanted, he had a few
drinks and a roll in the sack. He had a good time and now it was time to
leave. He wasn't good with the "afters." He never liked the "afters." Once you
get what you came for, why stick around? For what? Small talk? He didn't
have any small talk. It's not as if they were in love or anything like that.
He was just looking for a good time; so was she. That was what it was about,
having a good time. He was a good time kind of guy. Love them and leave
them. Yes sir, that was his motto. All that other stuff was just too messy,
too encumbering. He didn't want to get tied down, especially with someone who
has a kid. A damn dirty, smelly, whiny monster at that. The kid should
have shut up. He should have stopped whining. He should have gone back to
his mom, but no, he had to keep at it, he had to keep whining. "Well if she
can't teach him some manners, I will."

The kid showed no fear. He dragged the little bastard into the old dilapidated trailer, and still the kid showed no fear. No matter how loud the date yelled, how angry he got the kid never gave in. He just continued to whine and whine; never shutting up for a second. The date's anger grew and he hit the kid hard, but all this did was make it worse. Now the brat was screaming bloody murder. He was going to make this little bastard shut up if it was the last thing he ever did. Screaming, "Shut up, shut up," he held the kids hand over the lit gas burner, but the kid cried even louder. The screaming, the crying, he couldn't take it anymore. He hit him again, this time even harder. He hit him with all his might. This time the kid shut up. This time he shut-up for good.
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I didn't know who he was.. All I knew was that the kid was still here, not in body, just in spirit. His spirit was still the dirty, smelly, whiny little monster it was in life. He still wants, and he was roaming the earth looking for anyone to satisfy his want. He was still a
whiny little monster and a troubled spirit. Somehow he found me, he
attached himself to me and entered my psyche. I didn't know it at first, but
my mood began to change. I felt his want. I felt his miserable never-ending
whiny want. He affected my spirit. He made me feel his anguish, and his
anguish was reflected in my thoughts and my demeanor, but I found him out.

He came out in my dream. I saw the whole story unravel in a
single shot of recollection. Not my recollection, but his; I saw it through his eyes, his spirit. I could not see him, but I could feel him. He was a troubled, grotesque little spirit
hanging around just at the edge of my senses. His influence made me
irritable and cranky. I have discovered him and exorcized him.

When I realized what and where he was, I was able to rid myself of him. Itwas not easy; he was a stubborn little cuss. He would not take 'no' for an
answer. I had to convince him I was not what he was looking for. I had to
convince him that he would find what he was looking for somewhere else. He would be happier, warmer, and better off, if he would leave me and go into the
light. I had to keep repeating it over and over, trying different approaches
to get through to him, but finally it worked. I could feel
him leaving.
As I talked about the light, I could just make it out in
the distance. It was faint at first, but got brighter and brighter as I
spoke of it. It wavered and shimmered just in front him and me. What I
could see of it was not a solid light, it was a combination of many, many
lights all shining together. As I looked at it I kept telling him to go into
the light, but what he said to me as he was leaving gave me a start. He said,
"I thought you were the light."

With his leaving, I had a new awareness of his plight. His spirit was born
into a non-nourishing atmosphere. His want was of love, of
tenderness, of nurturing. His soul was crying out for sustenance, but like
so many, he tried to quell the hunger of his soul with material
things. "I want! I want!" No matter how many material things one acquires,
the hunger of the spirit cannot be quenched. His spirit was in search of what
it needed, what it didn't get when he was alive. He was searching for the love
of another soul.

As I laid still, I could feel him go. I could feel a release come over me. My
spirit was tranquil once more. I was awake and had been since I recognized
his spirit touching mine. My eyes were still closed, but I could still see
the light. As I watched it dim, his parting words rang in my thoughts. "I
thought you were the light." It was more of a question than a statement. How
could he think I was the light? That is when it struck me, I was the
light. The light isn't some magical doorway to enlightenment. The light
isn't out there somewhere. The light is in here, inside each of us.
We are the light.

Every spirit glows with a light of its own. It may seem like a dim flicker
in the vastness of the UNIverse, but when it joins with all the other souls
it is a magnificent beacon. We do not go into the light to gain
enlightenment; we join our spirit with other spirits to share our knowledge
and our love. The total of our collective spirits knows no more than we did
in life, but we shared together. Every soul we touch, we share who we
are. We share our love and our pain. We share our wants and our answers. The
collective spirits are looking for answers just as we do in life, but they
do it together. We become the light.

I did not send the spirit of that troubled kid to another place. I justpassed him on to find another soul. Hopefully, a soul that can give him what he
needs. Perhaps I have passed him on to you.

C.C.Keiser

12/19/2000

Dear Chuck,

Bravo bravissimo, I am in awe, pure and unabated.

John