*Diary 05.11.2004*

Sometimes I feel nearly normal and other times so incredibly out of
control.
I'm not sure which of the two scares me more....

CONFUSION
CONFUSION
CONFUSION

Last night, for instance, I couldnt figure out if I was ravenously hungry or sickeningly full.... So I think back to what I've eaten in the day and get lost as the world around me blurs. Count the calories, accidentally count the calories of the foods that I imagined so intensly that the whole experience felt real, and remember that I didnt really eat those things....
Then I panic, remembering the slip-ups; a bite here, a nibble there that I dont think were worth it as they eat away at my mind.
Was it MORE than two bites in that red apple?
Was it MORE than 3 spoons of that discusting soup?

Finally counting up the "near-acutely accurate" amount of calories that I consumed, and questioning myself again.
It is not even close to the so called daily requirements, but will I lost weight or not? Will I gain weight? I pass a few safe food ideas through my head....
I have no control anymore....

A few minutes have passed since this subject swept me away from the world at hand and I place my cold, clammy, shakey hands against my pink, feverish cheeks, automatically checking my jawbones. My stomach does a flip and lurches back into itself,and a moan bellows out from inside of it.....
I think that I am hungry, but am I?
Maybe Im just tired. But I have had this confusion for far too long and I realize that after awhile, your body will NOT let you SLEEP until you at least minimally sustain it. I question 'minimal'......

The nightnurse calls out my name and I jump as my mind throws me back out into the live reality around me that I had tempory lost. I wrap my fingers around my forearm to measure and reach behind my back to feel the nubs of bones. There is always room for improvement, yet I'll never know exactly how much.

Frau Lance...
The night nurse catches my attention once again.
I finally respond ;Ja ,was ist denn?
The nurse;Möchten Sie viellicht noch etwas ESSEN...Sie haben Heute gar nichts gegessen Frau Lance...Wir machen uns solche Sorgen...

.....and I fall back again.

I am in Hell...
And it is my own fault.

I ask myself: Is this struggle worth it?
For what?
To endure this and then die??

oh Silke, ((((HUGS))))) to you my dear. I am so sorry you are in theis hell. I can only tell you that I relate to this all to well

Take care, ok?

Love,
Dara

Thank you Dara.I know that you understand me....Thank you

I can kind of relate to what you're going through. In one way or another I've created my own personal hell. Things are really hard for me now. I didn't eat for a long time and it is hard now to force myself to do it. I often wonder if continuing to go through all this is worth what the future will hold. Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes no. It depends on how my day went and what is going through my mind. I lost a great deal of weight. I'm 6 feet and two inches tall (sorry I can't do the metric conversion...I'm a stupid American ;0) ) and I used to weigh 200 pounds. I don't know what a weigh now but I don't fit into any of my pants without using a tight belt. I can't tell if I'm hungry anymore. I feel full even if I havn't eaten in a while. I know I'm hurting myself. If I don't pay attention, I don't eat. Sometimes I get too upset about things and I make myself sick. Everyone always tells me that things will improve and I'll have a happy future. But nobody knows that for sure. I suppose I will have to wait and see. Maybe going through this will be worth it. Maybe it won't. I know I'll never fully understand what you're going through. But I have an inkling. I wish you the best. I've been mostly an observer here and I've read Steven's sonnets and seen how deeply you care for eachother. Coming here is like turning the next page of a good romance novel. I wish the best for you both. I don't know what inspired me to write all this. I suppose just because it is late and I know I won't be sleeping tonight. I hope everything works out. Regardless of whether there is a God or higher power, both you and Steven will be in my prayers.

Ben,
Thank you for your reply.
I am so sorry to hear that you can relate to the situation...

~Greetings

Silke

Ben,

Sounds as if you are struggling with your weight and food. I know how terrible this is to deal with. Please feel free to post here and know there are others who understand and will listen to you.

Take care,
Dara