Trying to EAT....

Is that me or my disorder I see in the mirror?

Sometimes I see a pretty person but then I hear *Anas* voice and the ugly fat,
worthless trash returns to my vision....

Why? why? I ask as I throw good food away...

I think so causously about how I plan my day so food will not cross my
path....

The way I feel in a day is determined by how much and what I eat.
(Why cant I even allow myself to eat an APPLE...just ONE apple...)

I feel crazy but also in CONTROL at times.

The pain is so bad I hardly can stand!
My body is suffering from all this...it needs nutrition(and I know it...)
Why?
Why? Why must I do this?
What am I doing to myself?
86 pounds and I still feel FAT...
How is that possible?

-----

Little buddy, I need you to get all well and strong for me now.

I know everybody bothers you about this. I don't want to be like everybody else, but I sure do need you to get well, honey, more than anybody else; nobody cares more about you than I do, or needs you as much.

You're everything to me. Please, just do whatever it takes to get all well and strong for me. It would really aid in your recovery, and also be good for your heart, if you would eat whatever you can. I know the chemo and the radiation make you so terribly sick, honey, but that's all the more reason to do your best to take in more nutrition. Anything you think you might be able to tolerate, give it a try, and think about your ol' Hasi, and our happy future together.

Could you do this for me, little buddy, please? You know I'm so proud of you for so many reasons; this will be another reason for me to be proud of you, and I have a good feeling that you're turning the corner here and you're going to be able to make me proud of you about this. Everything you do, you do well. Do this for me, please. You'll show 'em all!

I promise you, sweetheart, you will never be fat, you will always be beautiful. I'm so sorry you've been so terribly hurt by cruel people. But now I'm going to make it right, OK? It's all going to get better now, I can just feel it. This was very brave of you to post these words, and I am proud of you.

I miss your voice, honey. I will call you up as soon as they will let me talk to you again. Take good care of yourself, and then you can tell me some good news about all of this on Monday morning.

Now, here's a little something for you:

*SKWN*

And here's a hug, too:

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mausi)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I love you, Silkchen Mausi. Take good care of my beautiful butterfly bride. I need you so much. I hope you can see the moon out your window there. It is shining up there just for you tonight!

Stay with me.

SI! SE PUEDE!

AMOR VINCIT OMNIA

Oh dear Silke,

I have to say this is the hardest thing I deal with as well. How terrible is it to KNOW that we need food, to KNOW that we are hurting ourselves and others, but STILL not be able to change?

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. I dont know how to fix it or how to change. I have been able to overcome all my other issues in life, but the ana wont go away. And sadly enough, part of me dosent want it to leave

I agree with Steven, I dont want to tell you to do anything cause in the end it is YOUR decision wether to eat or not. (It really is ana's decision). Know I love and support you no matter what. I only hope and pray that you can get well and be with Steven, maybe even come here for a visit to NY (and ME!!!)

Please take care of yourself!
Love,
Dara

Dear Dara...Thank you for your reply and Thank you Steven,my love...
Really,if it wasnt for the two of you I would give up this battle.

The NA-tube is back in again(WITHOUT my permission...)my doctors just told me that they refuse to whatch me starve.
I am not stupid...I KNOW that I need to eat to live...and I am trying(God knows that I am TRYING SO HARD...)but I cant eat.
Feeling weak,discusting...I have NO discipline.

.....Today I feel like I've done for years,
The same old thoughts and the same old fears,
I want to run from the things in my head,
And conquer the things that I so often dread.

Give me the strength to feel I can win,
Let me accept that I'll never be thin,
I want to get much lighter and lighter,
But help me be free and be a fighter.

In my mind is my weight all the time,
Fear appears as the scale numbers climb,
A slight increase and my emotions set in,
Throwing my mind into yet another spin.

My waking thoughts are the same every morning,
My mind sometimes tells me as if it were warning,
Don't be daft and look to reality,
Don't leave it to late till I am a fatality.

Regardless of what people think and say,
I do try hard but I'm scared of each day,
Not knowing what thoughts and pain it will bring,
Just help me get shot of this dreaded thing.