hey, it's me again. i've taken a bit of a vacation from MB to think and assess things (i.e. i've been partying alot with my friends and to be frank, doing 'the pot'. welcome aboard Tim - an important rule that me and my friends follow is 'stick to organics' like weed, hash, and shrooms. and never in excess, it's supposed to be an escape). So my apologies to all my fans who have waited with baited breath for my next post (that's self-depreciating humor folks).

I woke up this afternoon feeling sort of 'burnt out', that illusory low that happens after having a night filled with fun. I think it's really just the stage you were at before you even began to anticipate having fun.

My friend was driving me home, and he decided to take the extreme-scenic-route because it was finally a nice day up here in hoth (ottawa) and i had some music to expose him to. He doesn't like most rap, but i found some thought-provoking stuff that he's really enjoying now.

we were discussing the finer points of the illusory low when something hit me (metaphorically). Here's what lead up to that haymaker:

I spent like 3 days at his place last weekend with his 2 roommates and that's probably the happiest i've been in recent months. I look at him this saturday afternoon and can see he wants to get to studying. He really wants to learn about criminology and go all the way to his PhD.

I've heard other people say 'no i can't go out i need to start studying for the enxt week or 2 for exams' or 'i need to get started on this essay' but i've never done it myself.

I can't remember a single instance where i've turned down a night out on friday or saturday to study. I would always scramble sunday to finish everything. Keep in mind i graduated high school and completed 2 years of uni with this half-assed approach. I knew i was setting myself up for a fall later on.

When i had a summer job at a car wash, i was working 10hour shifts from 8am to 6pm. I also had an hour bus ride each way. I was out of the house on work-related endeavours for TWELVE hours a day, 5 days a week. I was always exhausted after coming home, but my friend would call me up at 8 or so and i'd still go out to the bars and have a blast till anywhere from 2-5am and get up on time for work. I could only do this 2 or 3 days per working week due to plain ol' exhaustion but i squeezed every last minute i could.

Goin back to the car ride, after thinking about all that for a few mintues, like i said, it jsut hit me... I think i'm a hedonist.

I'm not positive about what the finer points are between being a 'hedonist' and just regular 'trying to be happy'. I'm curious what you ppl have to say about it.

i already know what makes me happy, good friends and good times. the reason i'm having so much trouble picking a career is because of the trade-off between financial security and 'fun'. I spent 2 years towards an economics degree in university before i dropped out. I can't help but see any job i take as a means to an end, as opposed to an end unto itself. I haven't found a subject of study or a type of work that is 'its own reward'.

so the logical chain of command is fun>money>work. i work for money, and i have money to support myself, and if i have enough money, my friends and family also.

The classic question from office space is 'if you had a million dollars, what would you do for a living?'. I'd be an investor aka do nothing. I'd use that money to make more money to support the hedonistic lifestyle for myself, my friends and my family.

If i had to pick a way to EARN that money, i'd pick writing. Writer's Craft was the most fun class i took in high-school and is the closest thing to work that i find rewarding. There are obvious difficulties with attempting to be a professional writer of any kind, there seems to be a glut in that market. I actually posted 2 or 3 of my stories from that class in the short-story forums but it doesn't seem to be a very popular forum here. I really just want to know if there was any talent there worth developing/exploring, keeping in mind i wrote those when i was 17-18. I want to avoid being like those poor 1st-round american idol rejects who honestly have no idea how bad they are, if i can help it.

So if after reading this you decide to check them out, please feel free to be constructively critical. If you know (and maybe hate?) one thing about me it's my ability to be objective so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'd rather hear ganji-like brutal honesty than a bunch of sympathy platitudes. (i've seen you on poetry critique, you critic you ).

but perhaps my most important question to you good folks here is... am i really following my dreams and being true to myself? Or am i just being immature, not wanting to even admit that i just don't want to grow up and face the facts of life?

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, my feet are too long
My hair's fallin' out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me are no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed, Bewildered
Chorus:
Bewildered, Bewildered, you have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster and listen up good
Stop wishin' for bad luck and knockin' on wood

Dear Abby, Dear Abby my fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive, I'd wish I were dead
Signed, Unhappy

Chorus:
Unhappy, Unhappy......

Dear Abby, Dear Abby you won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach just tells me to write you instead
Signed, Noise-maker

Chorus:
Noise-maker, Noise-maker......

Dear Abby, Dear Abby well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sittin' in the back seat just shootin' the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed, Just Married

Chorus:
Just Married, Just Married you have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster and listen up good
Stop wishin' for bad luck and knockin' on wood

Sig-ned......Dear Abby


Dear Abby,

Got a problem. I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's
important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my
autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's
my secret. Abby, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge."

If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?
DEAR REAGANOMICS VICTIM: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's
blessed and everything should be just fine.

what?
thank you for responding firstly

i think there's a 'you are what you are' theme to that but i was hoping for more concrete opinions.

Ryokirah,

Fear not for your future. Consider - yes.

You have a wise head on young shoulders.

You are well able to discriminate and equally able to integrate your thoughts.

You are able to ask sensible questions and equally able to provide answers with recognition of the weaknesses of our language and the obfuscation which invariably arises [at least on the web].

I wouldn't be at all surprised to see you proceed into the journalist / educational / analytical sphere.

I cannot unfortunately tell you how to proceed with a positive direction choice - except to say enjoy yourself whilst young, but not at the expense of your future satisfaction!

And, finally, "best of luck".
Bill.
PS from your posts, I would say IMHO there is no way you are in the least bit hedonistic [and I suffer from anhedonia]. You care for others too much so to be!

Ryo, I have 2 daughters, as different from each other as chalk from cheese. The elder is an achiever;she has several University degrees, among them accountancy, human relations and counselling. She is the only State manager of a particular Federal Govt. department in Australia. She has been married and divorced once, widowed once. She owns her own home, drives a late-model car, buys designer clothes and wears them with flair.
The younger decided at an early age (around 17) that she didn't want to follow in her sister's footsteps. After dropping out of school at the age of 16, she took off to travel Australia, which she did for several years, working only when she ran out of money at any job she could find, hitching lifts and travelling by bus when she had the funds.
Her rationale was that she saw too many older people who made plans for their retirement - to travel overseas or around Australia - but who either couldn't afford it or were too tired/ill/disabled to be able to enjoy their years of leisure. She thinks society has things the wrong way round; that younger people are able to travel on less money than older folks, that they make friends more easily, can enjoy the more primitive (i.e. fewer modern conveniences) lifestyle, are fit enough to get into some remote and out-of-the-way places, often the more interesting, that older people are perhaps not fit enough to reach, see, experience.
At 28, she returned to this State, wher she began a degree course in Library and Information Systems. Again she dropped out, this time needing only two units to complete her degree
She loathes routine, can't face the prospect of a life tied to a 9-5 job; she lives in a rented house, drives an old bomb of a car, is quite happy to buy her clothes from second-hand shops, has never married and had children, nor has she any intention of doing either. Instead, she works as executive temporary staff. This enables her to choose from a variety of jobs, selecting the ones which interest her, and - with the blessing of the agency for which she works - changing them as she becomes bored with the routine of that particular work-place. She is very sought-after, commands a high rate of pay, but works to live, rather than living to work, as it often seems my elder daughter does. And whereas the elder is serious, thoughtful, quiet, the younger is the party girl par exellence!
The point of telling you all this is that, if I had to decide which one is happier with her life-style that the other, the task would be impossible. To compel either of them to live the way of the other would be trying to force round pegs into square holes; it is, I have decided, purely a matter of temperament, one which seemingly has little to do with upbringing.
What I would say to you is 'learn to really know yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses. Don't be gulled by society into thinking that the acquisition of material things is the only way to happiness, choose your own road. Make your life fit the person you are, rather than thinking you must conform to some socially-defined ideal. And enjoy it!'