Why couldn't you have told me before
Before the potion went down
down, spreading through my body and veins

I guess i thought you were my knight, my prince
Prince charming comming to wake me from my dreams
Dreams, what caused this, my sinful dreams

I have had enough waiting
waiting for your kiss to wake me up
up from my slumber i must wake myself

You're not comming for me are you?
you who should end my fairy-tale
Fairy-tale, mine doesn't have a happy ending

Why couldn't you have told me before
before the potion went down
down, spreading through my body and veins

Vivid emotion...I like how you fixed the repitition of words so they emphasized instead of overdraartized the piece. Good job!

~Best~
Megan

I tend to like pretty words in poetry.. because of sound and the ecstasy they can throw one into (or me anyway) and this doesn't have that for me (My fav writer is Lovecraft and a lot of people think he's way too verbose, though when he gets verbose, I go into even more fits of ecstasy). It does have strong emotion, though, and a lyrical quality. I do really like this part:

"Before the potion went down
down, spreading through my body and veins"

Good visual and metaphor.

I think this could be great if you could turn this into a song and add music to it, but as a 'poem' by itself, the wording strikes me as too plain with too many common speech words.. "couldn't, told, enough, waiting, should, end, before", etc.. It doesn't put me into that orgasmic ecstatic state like Shakespeare and Rainer Maria Rilke can, which is the reason I read poetry. Again, I tend to like a really lush kind of wording with a substantial, unusually insightful depth in poetry. I actually write more poetry than I even read for the most part because I am inspired to express more than absorb of late. I like the theme though. About waiting for Prince Charming and him never appearing. =)

Hope my comments aren't too honest. They are only my opinions, and everyone has a different one. I do think this could be turned into a really cool song, if you are anyway at all musically inclined.

"I have had enough waiting
waiting for your kiss to wake me up
up from my slumber i must wake myself"

Actually, I like this part a lot too. So lyrical. I really hope you are a musician. I almost hear music to this. Yeah. I like how you ended and started with the same word. I shall have to try this.. Never have. Does that have a name? What you did in that stanza? (I'm not studied enough in technicalities)

This poem reminds me of Romeo and Juliet... and the emotion one feels when Juliet took the potion... I really must say you have done a good job... Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work...

thanks to everyone for your comments...it's the kindness that keeps me writing..and yes i sort of am a musician...i can't write music but i write the words...and i never thought of turning this into a song till you said something...might contemplate on that a little more THANKS AGAIN

aha that was me i forgot to sign in