I want some opinions on my writing....

"OR MAYBE"
We are like acid jazz...
Or maybe it's acid rain?
Two of the brightest intellectuals
just addicted to the pain

Love it too commercialized
so its automatically "not for us"
So we procrastinate, b*tch, and prolong
hoping eventually we'll just adjust

OR MAYBE...

We're like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde
out to rob the earth
just two partners in crime
out to prove how little love's worth

OR MAYBE...

We're like Albert and Victoria
with love to elite to understand
but love is not worth dying for
because our fate rests in our hands

OR MAYBE...

We're like Diego and Frida
Whose passions and politics got in the way
and we're busy painting f*cking pictures,
when you and I were only built to betray

OR MAYBE...

We are just like organs
for instance, the brain and the heart
Always intensely communicating
but forever far apart

OR MAYBE...

We are like lightning and thunder
the same season but not the same thing
completely helpless of each other
Waiting to see what the dark clouds bring.

nice rhythm and similies. The many 'OR MAYBE's are a little annoying though. Or maybe I just need to read it a few times through.

Eeeee, I'm not so much with the rhymes. I think you can do better. Sometimes rhyming is too ristrictive to the poem's potential.

As far as the "or maybe"'s, I suggest looking for another way to use the same language as in, possibly, just might, perhaps, we may, etc. Honestly, if I read it without the "or maybe" I still get a feel for what you're trying to do.

I like the "OR MAYBE's." I think I would go with lowercase though and perhaps change the first one to just "Maybe" or "What if" instead of "Or maybe". My reaction to the poem was that the narrator is comtemplating to him or herself about the nature of a relationship. The thoughts seem to skip around in a sort of stream of consciousness style and I think the "Or Maybe's" contribute to that style. That's why I like them. Like Shawn said, the simile's are good. They are the foundation of the poem and make it, I think. So if you want to improve it, I think you should work on the simile's. Perhaps rephrasing some of the weaker ones to be more vivid and striking. I especially like the Diego and Frida stanza.

Another thought is to bring the poem to a conclusion by implying that...

Or Maybe...We are all of these things at the same time, a complex pleasantly painful enigma of personality, strive, joy and emotion. Something liek that. You could also end the poem with the phrase "Or maybe not" I think that would punctuate the carefree and light-hearted spirit of your writing style in this piece.

Hope you found htis helpful.

If it means anything, I am a Modest Mouse fan too.

Good to see you here on these pages with us. Thanks very much for coming to join us; we appreciate your being among us. You make us better.

Unbreakable solidarity, and do keep writing and posting!

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA

I like the Or Maybes. It puts more emphasis on the possibilites. I especially love the last stanza. Put lighting, thunder, and clouds in a poem and I'm in love!

~Best~
Megan