i hear him dying in his room
outside my window, he's going soon
choking on a piece of lung
eyes roll back as he swallows his tongue

i've been counting down the days
now maybe i can shut my eyes
no more choking, but now his daughter prays
outside of my window i hear her cries

"lord, oh lord, but why my dad?
the closest friend i've ever had..."
going on for days and weeks
with dried up tears on pale cheeks

i can hear the sobbing right next door
i can hear her dropping to the floor
i can hear her praying for her dad
i can hear her, and she's going mad

the old man died, i'm still awake
how many of theese do i take?
a pill at 9, a glass of water
i didn't count on this guy's daughter

This has a really nice flow --- though I have one critique the line:

"with dried up tears on pale cheeks"

It may flow nicer with an extra syllable in there such as:

"with dried up tears on pale white cheeks" or
"with dried up tears on pale drawn cheeks"

Just a suggestion, though I read in another post you don't tend to read your own work through, maybe just read it through see what you think, though at the end of the day it's yours.

I'd really like to know where you got the inspiration for this, it is a very "alternative" subject ;)

there was this old guy who lived next door to me. at night i could here his daughter talkin on the phone about his health. then one day the ambulance came and i heard her talkin about funeral stuff and i didn't here dude chokin' no more so yeah...

my creative writing teacher gave me some great advice. since he told me this i feel my technique for writing has progressed.

He said, "show, don't tell."

it's a great concept. But what does it mean? that's what i thought.

in this case you say "i can hear... I can hear..." and so on. well yeah, you can obviously hear it because you've already told me she's next door. the very first line, "i can hear him dying in his room," and you continue to show that he's next door.

you do a lot of showing. that's good. it's great. if she's crying outside your window isn't it obvious that i can hear her? when you say that you can hear her then i find myself in the room. i want to be outside with her. i want to see her tears and the frustration. i can't see that if i'm listening through the window with you in the room.

my creative writing teacher continued to explain this theory saying, "you leave nothing for the reader to imagine. they need to have the freedom to draw their own picture and conclusion about what's going on. leave it up to them." And in essence he want to let the reader go out the window, or into your room, or maybe into the mind of the women next door. maybe if i read it a thousand times then i'll decide to go into the old man's bedroom and hear the women. but how do i do that if i'm listening to her cry from inside your window?

show, don't tell. i'll keep that in mind. love love love. burn