OK, I've never asked for personal help in my life so bear with me here and let me set the stage.

I'm male 43 years old and have been living with 'my wife' for 23 years. My wife is 60, we have no kids.

Last year November my mother died suddenly leaving my father alone. My father has always been easily depressed, his father committed suicide when my father was 30 and it was one of my major concerns when my mother passed that he may soon follow like his father. We were raised Christian, but no longer go to church. We live 1000 miles away from my father. My father is rather wealthy; I am not ($50,000 +/-) I guess you could say we are not really close, but have always gotten along and never fight.

Last week I had to go on a trip and decided to drive, since I was passing my father’s home my wife decided to visit with him for the week while I drove on another 600 miles well out of contact with any phones.

When I got back to my fathers house 7 days later, I planned to I stayed the night get my wife and head back home. Hmmm, how do I say this, I saw my father go outside and watch as my wife showered. Now I would have buried this deep like when you walk in on your parents making love but when I got home I noticed a bunch of emails form my father on my wife’s computer – I read them. It seems he had been making passes at her all week she was there and was continuing on with it by email. My wife, although not encouraging him, was replying back and telling him about her day etc, ignoring the remarks. These are like one and two emails a day. All week while my wife was down there he was trying to buy her stuff and wining and dinning her. She refused diamond necklaces etc but then when we were home accepted a $1000 dollar check and received a dozen roses etc. Now I knew about the check and roses because I got the mail and asked her about it although I already knew from her email (I know I shouldn’t have read it but it’s to late now!) She didn’t lie about the $ and flowers, how could she, she just passed it off as my father forcing it on her. I have not told my wife about the shower thing.

She emailed my father and told him I was tweaked about the $ and flowers. We had this email exchange:

(father)
>>Hi xxx..
>>
>>I apologize if I have upset you over sending the check for the stove and
>>for sending the roses for xxxxxx's birthday. I didn't mean for them to arrive
>>so early as I was trying to outdo the FTD people on costs, and it all came
>>together too soon and I had to send them yesterday. As xxxxx might have
>>said, I will be away from the 9th to the 18th in Florida, so I wanted to
>>get them sent before I was in the leaving mode.
>>
>>I don't mean to embarrass you with money things, but I like to do things
>>for my 'kids' while they might need it. I have been paying xxxxx (35 year old >>daughter’s) way through school for 2 years now at over $10K a pop and I felt that If I
>>could make xxxxx bill paying life easier with a check, that you wouldn't
>>mind. I will butt out of your life in that manner though, if you feel
>>that it is demeaning to you or your capabilities in life. I don't mean it
>>to be... The same with the roses; I was just enjoying being able to do
>>that thing, and I thought xxxxx deserved them. Again I apologize to you and
>>am sorry if I have upset you. I love you with all of a parent's heart.
>>
>>Dad
>>

(me)
>All I said was 'How come you get Roses and I didn't even get a Christmas
>card?'

><g>


(father again)
Well, your xxxxx felt that you were 'quite' upset. She didn't give a
reason.... I had no reason to believe you weren't upset... perhaps xxxx
reflects on your moods a little more than you realize... I was worried
about the roses arriving in good shape because of the bad weather...

BTW: No one gets a Christmas card from me.... and never did. That was mom's
job.

Thanks for the reassurance, even if you might be fibbing to me a little
about your feelings for things I have done for you & xxxx.
(end)
So there it is. I was thinking of sending this but didn’t yet.


You know I’ve been mulling this around and I really would not have minded if you were sending stuff to xxxxx and I, but your not. This infatuation, flirting between the two of you and peeping tom sh*t is what really upsets me. I mean come on, I knew you didn’t respect me, or give me a second thought, but this is throwing it in my face a bit don’t you think? Please don’t bother to answer, my emotions are screwed up enough now. I just needed to vent.

xxxxx

PS. No, I didn’t tell xxxxxx.

I don’t know what to do.

Hello @aloss,

First of all, welcome to mind-brain!

I have read your words and those of your father a few times.

I think the solution to your problem [if there really is one] lies in how well you feel able to trust your wife. If you do trust her, I would suggest that you talk through the worries or concerns you have about his motives [including that he seemed to be watching her through the window whilst showering]. Once you each know exactly what your feelings are, you will find it easy to decide on a course of action.

She spent more time with him than you did, so probably has a better idea about his demeanour and motives. It seems a possibility to me that you have fallen out of love with your father over the years for some of the reasons you mention. It would be silly to sour the relationship even further, unnecessarily now ie., for suspicions which are unfounded, or which can be ignored because of the bond between your wife and yourself. [Your age difference is really of little consequence].

These are just my views, and they are influenced by the words and tone used by your father in his mails.
I really think by discussing it with your wife you should be able to agree on a way forward [this may well be to do nothing and say nothing more to your father].
Ironically, if you don't trust your wife, the same action may be the most appropriate!
Best regards, Bill.