riots, fires, earthquakes
over here the ground shakes
over here the air is brown
the buildings here don't get knocked down

late at night the stars come out
to drink and drive and scream and shout
and get away with anything
we're way downtown where birds don't sing

violence, murder, chaos, death
polluted air with every breath
dirty beaches, glass filled sand
not too far from disneyland

west of everything thats real
where people don't know how to feel
breast implants and plastic smiles
the graffitti stretches on for miles

Be proud of where you live people. I am.

hello thought I'd return the favour, or whatever, and review your poem. and I'm bored so it will be an IN DEPTH REPORT. or review. or why don't I just sound semi intelligent and say 'critique!' anyways.

the last line of the first stanza.. why'd you break your little pattern you had going there? I think since you are still saying 'here,' either take that out, or start out with 'over here.'

late at night the stars come out
to drink and drive and scream and shout
and get away with anything
we're way downtown where birds don't sing

I think would sound better if you said 'to drink and drive, scream and shout/get away with anything/way downtown where the birds don't sing'

violence, murder, chaos, death
polluted air with every breath
dirty beaches, glass filled sand
not too far from disneyland

the only thing about this I'd change is the glass filled sand... maybe glass-ridden sand? and a dot dot dot afterward would look nice, like 'dirty beaches, glass-filled (or ridden) sand.../not too far from Disneyland.'

west of everything thats real
where people don't know how to feel
breast implants and plastic smiles
the graffitti stretches on for miles

you just need to take out some extra words here and it would sound so much better, IMO. West of everything real/people don't know how to feel/breast implants, plastic smiles/ graffiti stretching on for miles.

Be proud of where you live people. I am.

I think it would sound better if you took out the 'people.'


lol sorry if you thought all my suggestions were sh*t, and that I mutilated your poem! but I like doing that and you don't even have to read this, so no harm done, eh?

-gemma

Thanks for reading. Actually the be proud of where you live thing isn't part of the poem...

Ah. Well it should be then lol, I liked it.

I'm no good at critique but I liked this alot so wanted to comment.

"violence, murder, chaos, death
polluted air with every breath"

Love that very much... neat writing :)