Im moving out of me and my boyfriends apartment to a new house...Im a little scared beacuse we got kicked out of were we live for him screaming at me...I want things to change and I love him and he is a good guy its just he yells so loud and i dont know how to fix it we fight alot and im not sure how to make it better should I try or just move on to elsewere? Anyone ever in this situation we are both young also im 23 and hes 22 and we both never had anything this serious we are also under alot of stress so sometimes I think thats why we might fight should I hang on?

why does he feel the need to scream at someone he loves? Does he lack self-control?

Shawn.

No he has no self control and he always blamesme thats why im not sure what to do ........By the way,,,,,,you are so beautiful

hello leeann2144,

If you think Shawn's pretty, u ain't seen nuttin yet !!!!

No, joking apart, can I first say that I am sorry to hear you are in this situation.
I have been very fortunate and not had this type of experience. Ok., my wife and I of 43 years have fallen out many times, but it has always been a fallout in contained terms, ie., the arguments never left one feeling unloved. Concern for one-anothers feelings were never overlooked. And, most of the time it was misinterpretation that caused our conflicts - it would have been an absolute waste of time to have ganged up on one another!

My first instinctive reaction would be to advise you to get out.
But, I don't know how much you love each other; how much you would be prepared and committed to sacrifice to try and live with him, or indeed if he would be able to change his attitude and behaviour.
Something must change though. It is at the most stressful times in life when couples should be supporting each other, not adding to the stress!
Maybe some breathing space could be agreed upon, until you each have a less stressful life [for example if you are in examination type situations], and have more time for each other.

I do hope my words help you at least a bit.
Due to recent site outages, as improvements have been incorporated, a lot of our members aren't yet visiting as normal. Soon there should be more people available to try and help, so I would suggest that some patience may be required.
I would like to know how you get on anyway, and offer more thoughts if you think that might be helpful.

Best regards, Bill [59yrs]

thanks Leeann2144 for the nice words. I've found out that if you take enough pics, then invariably, a few of them will come out nicely. In the final analysis, my pics are just illusions of an illusion, particularly the nice ones.

I agree with Bill's advice overall. My first suggestion would be to try to get more control in your relationship. I understand that may be difficult, but it's important. If you fail to get more control in your relationship, and if he's unwilling to change, then you should get out. If it comes to this, then remember how you were before you met him, and remember how you were able to live just fine without him and that you can do it again.


But let's get back to getting more control. How do you do this? There are many ways, some subtle, some not so subtle. There are too many to explain here, but let me just say some of the more popular ones:


#1 (get angry)
One of the most favored tactics is just to aggressively assume control, and let him know point blank that his yelling at you is completely unacceptable (who does he think he is, after all?). It helps to be (or appear) very angry here, and you should also try to be aggressive in your response. He is yelling at you in an attempt to quiet you, but if you get very angry and unleash your anger on him, you may quiet him and make him more submissive, thereby gaining control of the situation. Be careful though, as the 'get angry' tactic can backfire if he gets even angrier in return. If this happens, then go to #2 (play 'poor me').


#2 (play 'poor me')
Another tactic is to accept his yelling, and appear very hurt and upset in an attempt to garner his sympathy and to make him feel sorry for yelling at you. Play the 'poor me' role. The tactic here is to make him feel so bad about yelling at you and hurting your feelings that he doesn't do it again. Be careful though, as the 'poor me' tactic can backfire if he starts to ridicule you or is unsympathetic. If this happens, then go to #1 (get angry).


#3 (get stoic)
Yet another tactic is to play it cool and be stoic (unemotional) during his yelling. When you can, calmly let him know the consequences of his yelling at you. You can probably give him a good scare by telling him that he's not going to get any for a week, or alternatively, just tell him bluntly that you're going to leave him if he continues his nonsense and utter disrespect for both you and your relationship.


#4 (delayed response, alternatively known as 'sneak attack')
A very powerful technique is to employ #3 (get stoic) while he's yelling at you (just be completely unemotional and don't tell him about the consequences), and then afterwards, maybe several hours afterwards, after he's calmed down, then hit him hard with either #1 (get angry) or #2 (play 'poor me'). You see, while he's yelling at you, he's very alert, excited, and prepared to deal with almost anything, but after he's calmed down, when his defenses come down, then he won't be prepared to deal with your 'attack'. Hit him hard now, and if you play your cards right, then you'll win the 'fight' and assume more control in your relationship.

Hope this helps.

take care,
Shawn

i had a good friend who was in somewhat of a sutation like this but im not alollowed to talk bout it. she didnt just get screamed at tho she got hit but she loved him so much

well thats really all i can say

be careful with whatever u do

Hey~

I'm going to try not to repeat anything anyone said (tho that will be hard you had some great advice) and im going to try to be nice and not mean about it. honeslty i would get out of the situation. if your guy blames you for everything and you fight all the time, yelling is just the first step. I've seen it so many times when a girl is like, oh i love my boyfriend SO much, he yells but he never hits me so its not a dangeruos situation, and the next time i talk to her she is so bruised its hard to see. If he was yelling loud enuf for you guys to get kicked out, thats pretty loud. Think about how your kid would feel. i know you dont have kids but, if you did and you stayed with him, how would they feel if they hear him yelling, how would YOU feel if your parents had yelled everyday of your life, mostly bcuz it was ALL one's fault. honestly i would leave give him time to calm down, and if you dont want to leave try couples therapy. i dont mean that in a mean way, but what if one day he gets mad enuf to hit you, and your "kids" are there, or maybe you wont havekids, but isnt it time that you stood up to him and made him NOT yell at you. What if? What if he hit you so hard you wre scarred for life, or worse, dead.

Trust in yourself, and love yourself.... enough to be by yourself.... love shouldn't show those kind of emotions, if it is healthy... a true sign of health is that the relationship will be still be there if you allow each other the room to correct mistakes, even if it has to be done solo... so many people in this world, and the most important one to you should be.... you.... ps: I speak from experience...
love and kindness, Suzette

Thankyou Everyone, Things are getting better and hopefully they will stay that way for now I am so glad you took the time to sahre your feelings I will be here for you also Agian Thankyou and much love to you all