I know close to nothing about eating disorders except that I feel one creeping up on me.. either that or it has been here and I have turned a blind eye?

I am supposed to get like, 1500 calories a day, but I totally freak when I get over 500. And then after I get the grand total of how many cals i have taken in, I stay at the gym until I burn them all off. I go to the gym 5 days a week anyway for 2 hrs. I am obsessed with cardio and no matter what the scale says to me, the mirror says something else.

The worst thing is that my boyfriend and I went out to eat a few weeks ago and I totally enduldged and ate a whole steak and salad. Realizing that I just ate way too much, I excused myself and made homage to the porcelin god in attempts to purify myself. I just felt so gross after eating all that food.

The thought of eating food just makes me want to puke, and when I do finally eat, I end up puking soon after. It's not like I force myself, I just throw it up.

Now that I have recapped what I have typed, it sounds like i have an ED. But, If i do have an ED, shouldn't I be skinny? Why does my mirror play tricks on me?!?!

I just wanted to post this here and not on advice because I know that 'they' would read it and tell me some crap that would be of no use to me. They are helpful, but it just seems like I would get more understanding pleas from this forum.

Thanks bunches
xoxoxo
Selina

hi selena,
some questions:
how tall are you and how much do you weigh?
what body type are you? skinny, medium?
what do your friends or other people who've seen you said about your weight?
do you think yoou're overweight? what does the mirror say to you?

YOu can always show us a pic and let us be the judge.

I'm not sure if you have an ED, but 500 calories a day is not enough. Maybe it's the type of food you're eating? Have you noticed that you can eat different amounts of different foods like sugary stuff, vegetables, meats? Maybe you need to find some foods that you can tolerate, and then work on eating more throughout the day. Try not to starve yourself and then binge. Instead, try eating a little bit every 2 or 3 hours, sort of like snacking throughout the day.

Do not make a habit of visiting the porcelin god because this will backfire on you. If you're exercising 2 hours a day, then you shouldn't have to worry about how much you eat. Maybe you're obsessing about food too much. Think about other things.

Finally, if you're only getting 500 calories a day, make sure you're not malnourishing yourself. Get enough protein and take your vitamins and all that.

[quote author=bluebear link=board=29;threadid=3000;start=0#msg14802 date=1066650545]
hi selena,
some questions:
how tall are you and how much do you weigh?
what body type are you? skinny, medium?
what do your friends or other people who've seen you said about your weight?
do you think yoou're overweight? what does the mirror say to you?
[/quote]
#1) 5' 3" and i weigh (in fluctuations) 120-130
#2) I have a "solid" body type my mom calls it. I have a lot of muscle..prolly medium then
#3) "Hey, Selina, I can tell you have been working out."
#4) My mirror = look at your face... look at your chin... look at your arms, hips, stomache, legs, ankles... you are so pathetic. You and your body are so fucked up... go to the gym.. why are you looking at yourself?

That is what is going on when i live day to day. so please, advise!!!

Selena,

It sounds to me like you have an ED. You spend a lot of time obsessing over weight/food. If you are eating only 500 cals and exercising to lose weight, it seems to me this could become a big problem in the near future.

I have struggled with ED for most of my life. All the time I think I am ok, and it is just one of my quirks, but there are times when I realize...I DO have this ed. It is not an easy acknowledgment to make about onesself, but deep down inside, if you are doubting yourself at all, then it is a problem.

Also, you dont have to be "skinny" to have an ED. Most people with bulemia are ave weight.

Please write more here and express how you are feeling about the idea that you may in fact have an ED. I know how hard it is, but sometimes talking to others who understand can help!

Love,
Dara

I think that the worst part in all of this is that you're right, you don't have to be skinny to have an ED... THAT is my problem!!!

Selina,
Unfortunately when you ARE skinny, or others tell you that you are TOO skinny, you STILL dont FEEL skinny ENOUGH...it is a TRAP.

Love,
Dara

It IS a trap! When I am normal, people agree that I could lose weight, but when I get to bve a good size, people mention that I may be losing too much too fast... WAHT am I supposed to do about that? And then, when I do get thin, it isn't enough... you are right...

At east I can find comfort here!

xoxo
-selina

Selina,

I am glad you found us here, especially this forum! I was getting lonley that no one was posting here for a while! I feel so trapped lately, I dont knwo what to do. Poeple tell me I am way too thin, I dont see it, I am NOT happy with my weiht I want to be THINNER, it NEVER ENDS!! AHHHHHHHH I am having a bad day I could just scream!

Sorry for the complaining, I know you understnad how I feel though!

Keep posting too!

Love,
Dara

[quote author=Dara link=board=29;threadid=3000;start=0#msg15250 date=1067475325]I am NOT happy with my weiht I want to be THINNER, it NEVER ENDS!! AHHHHHHHH

[/quote]

I totally understand what you are talking about. When i try to talk to my friends, they just say that I would be happier if I would eat... They think they are so funny...

My poor boyfriend... I take a lot out on him when I eat or don't think i worked hard enough at the gym. I feel so bad when I get fickle with him about how much i weigh and how the mirror is just a bad companion.

I really can't thank you enough for this comfoprt zone.

Sweet sweet serenity to you
xoxo
-selina

Yeah, my husband is worried about me. I feel so bad for making him have to be concerned for my health. I tell him if I didn't eat I would be dead already, becuase he says I never eat. Well, it is true, and I am alive...

I was exercising before because I cannot stand how much fat is on me. I dont care if nobody else can see it, I can and tha tis all that matters to me, you know?

Love,
Dara

My boyfriend says that when I look at myself, i see myself through a funhouse mirror...
I don't care because I know what fat is on me and it has to come off.
Peopleat my gym notice me... and think i am stupid and can't see them starring. When I tell Todd that, he says it is bc i am getting thin and i say it is because they are thinking "Run harder, fat ass"

I notice that you and I are really the only ones who post... odd... are we alone in this struggle lol???

We are not alone, my brother +Steven has ana too. He has posted here before, it is just difficult for him to post about it.

I had a rough day today with my therapist. I feel as though I am wasting her time. I go therE
and she wants me to participate in getting "well" and when I am there I think I might be able to , but I can't. It is too scarey. I want to lose weight, not gain any or evebn remain the same.

Life is such a struggle...I wonder what non ED people think about this.

Love,
Dara

Just a question, why is it +Steven and not just Steven??

I started goingto to therapy last year for different reasons... all my life I have had tremendous problems... i seemed like eating was the only thing I could have control over but now it is spiralling out of control too I'd rather not tell Ed (My therapist) because he would just make me go more. That's sorta funny that my guys' name is Ed and here i am with an E.D.

Asfar as what the norms would say about this, they would prolly ridacule and advise. A least, I would if I weren't like this. I mean, I can put myself on the outseide and see that what I am doing isn't healthy, but then the ana-selina kicks in and says "yeah, but how can all that fat be healthy"

Anyway... well... I dunno....

-selina

Hi,

As for +Steven, I will have him explain the +

Well, things are really hard for me lately, my therapist is trying her hardest to help me help myself, but it only backfires. The more I have to account for my eating habbits, the less I desire to eat. It is like I am posessed by some demon, sounds rediculous but that is how it feels right now....
Oh well, I will live! Thanks for listening! Oh, and I think it is HYSTERRICAL that yout T is named ED...how appropeiate? hehehe

Love,
Dara