Years ago, there was a disagreement between my parents and my grandmother and uncle (Dad's family).  I guess it was so bad, that they didn't speak for many years - and quite possibly still don't, at least to my uncle.  They continued with their obligations to my grandmother.  I was told lies by my parents about both my grandmother and my uncle and was kept away from these "evil people."

Just this past year, I have mended the relationship with my grandmother and my uncle and have seen some more of the true colors of my parents.  Of course, my parents know this and are unhappy that I have this extended family again in my life.

My grandmother has been ill for many years and has been slowly and gradually getting worse.   She will be 89 years old this year and has lived a long life.  She was admitted to the hospital at the end of last week due to some complications she has been battling for nearly two years.

Do you think my parents would tell me this?  You would think.  I found out about my grandmother's condition from my uncle.  My parents have always been preoccupied with the outward appearance of our family.  Everyone thinks we are the epitome of the American family - the American dream.  Well, not only is my family so disfunctional, but now they have made themselves look awful.  It surprises me, really.  Usually, they will cut their nose to spite their face.

For example, another uncle of mine passed away suddenly last month.  My parents have not talked to me since October.  But, they swallowed their pride to call and tell me, so that they would look good. "Well, we called her.  We did our duty."  And again, I haven't heard another word from them.

So, it surprises me that they wouldn't tell me about my grandmother.  And it hurts.  A lot.  I feel like I have rediscovered my grandmother and uncle after nearly 15 years.  I have missed a lot of time with them.  And now, my grandmother is ill.  And my parents are still trying to keep me away even though they have been to visit her and mended some of the past.  

I actually have a half a mind to call them this evening.  I want an answer as to why they haven't told me.  But, the other half of my mind reminds me that everytime I do talk to them, the daggers are driven deeper and deeper.  Everything is turned to be my fault and I end up having a breakdown from the abuse.  I am better off with them out of my life.  I guess I just need to rely on the network I have created for myself and forget about my abusers.

Much love,
Becky

Becky, dearest sweetest Becky,

Your heart spoke right to mine. I understand every word, every emotion you worte about. I have been through much of the same. It hurts, it hurts to be seperated from your family, to be lied to repeatedly, and to be left in the dark. I am so sorry they are continuing to hurt you, there is NO excuse in my book for not telling you the truth about your mfamily, for keeping you from a grandmother. You are an adult and should be bale to have whomever you wish as your family.

I have been through the same with my parents. They kept us kids away from ALL relatives, told us terrible lies abou them, my aunt and uncle on my mothers side, and my fathers parents. I grew up alone, and not knowing any family except the insanity of my parents. I think they like to keep us from the more "normal" people so we dont realize how insane they really are. Unfortunately, I feel very distant form my aunt whom I have  arelationship with as an adult, and i have NO contact with my fathers parents at all, to this day...

You remarked about calling your parents and asking them about all their lies, well, I think you are right to say you will stick to your network of friends here, and not the abusers. Your parents will only tell you MORE lies and hurt you more.  My mother lies so much, and so well, I am beginning to realize that even her "love" for me is a lie. SHe has NO love for me or anyone but herself. I dont yearn for my mother anymore, I cut her right out of my heart. It is still hard, but not as hard when I desperatly desired my mothers love.

Be strong, know you are loved and understood by me and many others. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt, her is a hug for you:
(((((((HUG))))))))

Take care, and write back!

Love,
Dara

Dearest Becky,

I have to agree with Dara -- why would you really want to contact your parents, knowing that you'll only have pain, grief, and anguish to show for your efforts?

In all the time I've known you, Dara, and Steve, I've never once mentioned my own family situation.  Frankly, it's just too ugly and exhausting to talk about, and I almost never do so.  But, given our current discussion, I'm going to make my best attempt...

My mother is, quite simply, the worst human being I've ever met.  She's a hateful, malicious shell of a person.  Without fail, she'll turn joy into suffering, happiness into misery, and trust into deceipt.

For years, I maintained a relationship with her; it seemed like the right thing to do for the woman who'd given birth to me and raised me.  I disliked her intensely and kept my life totally compartmentalized -- there were the many good, wonderful things about my life, which made me proud, and then there was my mother, separate and apart, who filled me with shame.  But, I always kept in touch with her and tried to "be there" for her.

I put up with emotional and verbal abuse that escalated with each passing year.  Many times, I made efforts to improve our relationship.  Nothing ever worked.  If I tried to talk with her, in a rational way, she'd either make fun of me (laugh in my face or mimic me) or start crying and tell me how cruel I am.  If I'd respond in kind to her nasty treatment, the problem would just get worse.

Finally, Paul and I got engaged.  Getting married meant that I could no longer keep my existence segregated into my mother/no-mother compartments.  I couldn't avoid introducing her to Paul and, as his future mother-in-law, she immediately began to abuse him.  Paul's parents insisted on meeting her -- she was the bride's mother, after all.  They were kind and gracious to her, and she was rude in return.  Also, she did everything within her power to ruin my wedding and the entire weekend around it.  Would you believe that she actually left the wedding reception, found a telephone, called one of my ex-boyfriends, and tried to get him to conspire with her to break up my marriage?  (Ex-boyfriend was sickened by this and thought I had a right to know the things she's said about me.)

So, I made a decision that my wedding day -- 12 years ago -- would be the last time my mother would ever see me, talk with me, or have anything to do with me.

After I ended my relationship with her, she told lies about me to my entire family and alienated most of my relatives from me.  She sent a long, rambling letter, full of lies and deceipts, to my new in-laws, hoping to poison my relationship with them (fortunately, they were appalled and didn't believe a single word).

How many times can stick your hand into a fire, over and over again, until you realize that the pain can't be stopped and may very well kill you?  Some problems just can't be resolved.

My thoughts are with you,
Love,
Lori

Thank you, Dara and Lori, for your kind words and understanding.  It is helpful to know that I am not the only one plagued by a lying and deceitful mother (my father always goes along with whatever my mother says or does. It's as if he doesn't have a mind of his own).

It doesn't really make it easier - just helpful.  It's been 6 1/2 months since I've had a conversation with my parents.  When does it begin to get easier?

I feel myself on the verge of another breakdown. I had one in December which made me stronger, but now I'm being attacked in different ways.  Every time I show some strength, my mother does what she can to knock me back down.

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I really needed to hear what you had to say.

Much love,
Becky

i don't know if this is the same,but my mother was always telling me that my family were all evil.
i was only 7 at the time, she was always telling us lies, i think they call it brainwashing
anyway to cut a long story short, she killed him with a large iron bar while i was in the room,
this won't help you, i just had to get it off my chest.

Becky,

As for WHEN it gets easire...HMmmm, good question. The past year I founf out that my mother lied to me all my life. Basically, I alwyas believed she didnt know the terrible things that my father was doing to us, now I know different. That is not the end of it either, she let her 4 children suffer and continues to drain all the life out of whatever we have left. It only got easier for me when I cut her out of my emotional life. Just as the situation with my father, I have NO feelings for my mother...NONE, sot happy, not sad, not mad, NOTHING! I think if I felt the actual hurt and pain of my life, I would have a serious breakdown and never be a functioning human again.

Yes, knowing there are others who understand makes the struggle feel less alone, but it doesn't make it disappear. I am truley sorry for I know the pain you are feeling inside, and it is a smothering, drowning agony.

Please know i wil be thinking of you, and wishing you strength to make it past this terrible time in your life!

Love always,
Dara

Akhtar,

(Which is your given name...Parvez or Akhtar?)

That's a horrific story.  When you say "him", do you mean that your mother killed your father?  Did you grow up in the shadow of a deceased father and an imprisoned mother?

No child should have to bear such grief.  Last night, Paul and I watched a movie called "Sunshine State", another great film by one of my favorite directors, John Sayles.  The movie has several interwoven themes, one of which is the tragic consequences of a young child witnessing his parents' murder/suicide and struggling to grow up in the aftermath.  I'm sure the film would have some very powerful relevance for you.

All the best,
Lori

Lori,

I am sorry for yur mothers lies and abuse all of your life. HOW do we make it out of these families alive? HOW??? Well, we are defenitly scarred from our experiences!

It was a big step for you , Lori, to finally talk openly about your mother. I hope it helped you to get these painful things out, to free yourself a bit more form the terrible wrath of your mother!

I commend your strength!

Love, Dara

akthar,

What a terribly sad story. COuld you share more details with us? If not, I understand, take your time writing about this, and know you are understood here!

Love,
Dara

Is it possible, do you think, to put enough physical distance between a victim and abuser that the emotional pain heals quicker?  I feel like I just need to run away from here.  There are some wonderful opportunities available that may take us several thousand miles away.  But, my question is:  Will it be far enough?  

Knowing that it wouldn't be easy to call or visit might be enough to help heal.  What an idea.

I know I'm rambling and not making much sense.  Enough for today.

Much love,
Becky

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I have seen my mother 1 time in the last 20 years. I am 39. She is still very bitter about things I did when I was 15 years old. I have tried to make amends by sending letters, but the last one I sent she returned unopened with a letter of her own. she told me I never said I was sorry to her. i sent her an empty envelope back, writing on the fron that I was sorry. Now, I know I am not fully responsible for the childish things I did at 15, but I believed that God would want me to appologize if someone thought I had done them wrong.Very soon I will send another letter. I believe that god will restore this relationship. He has restored every other thing in my life except this. In His own time He will know when she and I are ready. Don't worry and just trust in Him.

Just thought I would add a little something to this thread...I have not spoken or seen my Family (Mother, Step Father, Sister and 2 brothers in almost 12 years..I did press charges against my abusers (Mom,Step Father) so that pretty much closed the door on any relationship we would have had....some one asked if it ever gets easer...YES it does, I will n ot lie, it was so painful for the first couple of years, but I know in my heart that this is the best things for me..they are Toxic and I would not be able to heal, if I were still around that abuse.....Don't get me wrong, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about my Mom, and wish I could have a relationship with her..BUT it's not the realtionship that I had, that I want..What I want is something I never had, a Mother that would love and protect me...!

Don't give up..It's not the Trust you know, but the truth you LIVE that sets you free.