"The Devil Within Me"


I harbor a secret
that must come out
must be released
noone can know who I am entirely
as this secret I have hidden from the world
is part of me
The devil within me
eats away at my soul
chews up pieces of my heart and spits them
back out
The devil within me is
an obsession
an addiction
a void needing to be filled
from time to time he comes around
in my past the devil controlled me
I was a victim of his vicious game
He came to me while I was a child
barely 12 I would say
before I knew God and had the chance to pray
He offered me comfort from my endless pain
the rest of my life would have to be given to him in vain
as he will never leave me
I will battle him the rest of my life
I let him inside of me
now he lies dormant
until there is a fire within me that wakes him from his tormented sleep....
he turns himself into food
and I eat and eat
tasting the food is not even a thought in my mind
the devil has control
He shakes me violently
my sense of reality is distorted
You needed me to survive is what he angrily retorted!
I can not turn back the hands of time
I lock myself away
hope noone sees me as I begin to pray
until the deed is done
and the devil within me is satisfied
until I feel the pain is buried deep enough down
to where it can not be seen
to a place darker than hell
when the devil within me will come back it is hard to tell
I just wanted the world to understand I am not myself
when under his spell
He comes in many forms
food
whatever there is
it never really matters
as the food is not a measurement of the void
I am dying to fill
the need to be loved is harbored by this devil
the need to be accepted has always been a struggle
people may never understand me until they know this secret
a secret that needs to be told
that there is a devil within me
he can not be bought
or sold
a devil more powerful than I
a devil that hurts me so bad it is even painful to cry




                        This is dedicated to all the people
                         children or adults who battle eating disorders.

May God give you the strength and courage to battle each and every day that comes with this struggle

                                                   Chrissy M. Pierce    

2 poems i've written about ED's

Weight her life

she wakes
goes to the mirror...
she walks
into the bathroom...
she stands
on the scale...
she waits
for her life...

she crys

she sits
on the couch...
she thinks
of a new diet plan...
she writes
her goals on a sheet...
she leaves
another day of school...

she crys

she walks
the 5 miles home...
she goes
into the bathroom...
she leans
over the toilet...
she gags
to make relief come...

she crys

she stnds
upon the scale...
she waits
for her life...

she crys


Nothing-perfect

gripping mind
bite to big
I choke
choke
resriction restriction
so nothing left
perfect is impossible
yet i strive to be best
stomach churns
acid eating unwanted food
detox before it sets in
the fat will come soon
run, run
as fast as you can
pound by pound
i sweat
burn
till im nothing
nothing
nothing is perfect...

Chrissy, Anne, I can relate to your struggle of living with an eating disorder. Mine is different than that you worte about, but it is all a struggle, regardless.

I cannot even face my ED, I can't tell you what it is, not today, as itis bigger than life for me in the present moment. It is torture, torment, destruction, an inescapable trap that I have lived all my life. It is not accepted in society to live as I do, it is loked down upon by many, misunderstood by most.It hurts me the most when people say it is all about "appearance", when people think it is about trying to be "better" than others. It is SO much deeper than that. Mine is a result of living in an abusive family where the ONLY thing I could control was my intake of food. AND I mean that literally. I grew up with an overweight mother who was constantly getting verbally abused by my father due to her size. As a little girl, my mother would tell me over and over, "NEVER get fat, Dara". I guess I live by that rule today, but it is SOOOO hard, and it is really killing me. But that is just a few reasons. Just a few. I guess I really hate my body for what was done to it as a child, I think Iam rying to numb alot of the pain I deal with by obsessing on myself. It is not easy or glamerous way of life. I hate to be judged liek that. I want to yell and scream at people who looka t me and say, "Oh, you have it SO easy, you don't have to worry about what you eat". I just want to cry when I hear that, it feels liek I am being stabbed with those words. GOD, if they only KNEW how hard it is, how stuck I am...

Sory to ramble, I hope it is ok that I posted all this here...

Love, Dara

Silke and I suffer from the same condition (''our delicate condition") as Dara, and the three of us are very, very close.  Since Dara did not want to disclose the name of the condition I won't either, out of respect for her.  But, just to speak for myself, the reason I am as I am is that I have endured a lifetime of abuse from an absolutely insane and unbelievably sadistic uncle, who just happens to be very fat.  I was always brought up to be the opposite of this cruel madman, and that's part of it.  Enough said for now.  I will follow Dara's lead on this.  Dara, my dearest darling little sister, you know you have all my love, all my heart, all my support, always.  And you know I know what it's like, because it's like that for me, too.  I love you.

Thank you+Steve. I really don't mind you saying what our ED is...I have problems sometimes saying it about myself. That is odd, I know, but that is just me! I can write "abuse" but I cannot write the specific type that was inflicted upon me. I can write ED, or write "ana", but I cannot SPEAK these words at all. It really is odd. When I am haveing a verbal conversation, I cannot say any of this! But I can KIND of write it...weird, I know!

Thank you for your unerstanding and support!
All my love, Dara

the poems that i wrote above..... are part of the life i live i guess.... i don't .. i mean to say that i don't .... ive done those things, i do those things.... i do other things too..... i don't know.... maybe i have an ED.... if i do i dont let myself believe that..... i get the whole "you're so thin"..... and "you need some meat on your bones"...(those come from my peers)... then i come home and i get "you need to tone up".... you need to lose a couple pounds"..... my mom may think im shutting her out but i take in every word she says......

Its a struggle to have to look in a mirror everyday and see how you measure up. getting on a scale 3-4 times a day just to see if you've failed or won for that day....

I made a promise to my-self in september.... i guess that when it really got going..... i told myself and a peer of mine that i would just shoot myself if i weighed more than a certain weight.... i dont think i fully understood what i ment..... i mean i think it was more i dont know....  but since then i have never gone over that weight....

I dont really have just reasons on why i am the way i am.... my parents can be great, my life hasnt been too bad untill the last 3 years..... though i dont remember almost anything signifigant before like 5th grade but stil.... i dont know maybe im just fucked up.....
 

Thank you Steve Dara and anne for posting! I felt this was an important topic here but I also had a hard time talking about my ED. Whether your ealize it or not Dara and Steve you have come along way I am proud of you for speaking out as much as you did I realize it was a big step and I want to say I  am proud of your both for your coursge and strength to talk about something so close and personal! I face the same feelings too. and Anne you are not crazy you are most likely in denial but that is good until you are ready to face this being in denial is heping to protect your feelings! I never even recognized my ED as an eating disorder until recently! I get all the I wish she would lose weight Chrissy. You would be so much better if you lose weight! all these statments do is add to my pain. For not many know what it is like for me
I ate for so long as a way to cope
with my depression
I never saw it as wrong so as a way to deal
now I live in faer everyday for I know what it is I am doing and I know why I am doing it I also know it is wrong but feel desperate and helpless for I turned to this for so long that I am used to this and trying to fight it is hard. :-[ ??? :'( I am so much courage for all of you.

I hatede myself growing up
I felt like a freak and sometimes even know the only way I can express how I feel or how I felt is through my poetry which is why I wrote "The Devil within me" I wasn't sure how else to talk about it as some of you felt adn it is hard! maybe together we can help each other through the darkness! I am here and willing to try thanks again to all of you for posting i love you all!!!

                                                          Love always,
                                                             Chrissy

Oh ny the way what is up with this addiction of eating and then not eacting and having fear of starving is that also part of the disorder see I am also so new to this being a disorderf or me I am not sure it is all confusing I lived with this for so long and it was a part of me I never knew and sometimes I WISH I still didn't know :-/ It was so natural for me a coping mechanism and now it seems so like I can;t eat cuz I will gain weight and if i don't eat I might starve I am kinda caught somewheres around here! ??? ~ Chrissy

Just a another thought in the perail of this complex disorder

I love you all
                                                       Chrissy

I am going back to bed now :-[

Thanks to YOU Chrissy, for posting a topic here that needs to be understood by many. I REALLY hate to talk about my ED, as it is SOOOOOO misunderstood. Maybe for a small few, anorexia is about wanting to look good, and nothing else, but for me, and others that I know, it is more of a psychological issue. It is defenitly a source of control in an out of control life. It takes over like a disease, and rules, and ruins ones life. I get the statements of, "Just eat", "Don't think about it", or the others who say, "You are so lucky to be so thin". BUT nobody understands the pain, the suffering that comes along with this ED. It is not a choice I make when I wake up in the am.  I never wake up and think, "today, I will not eat!" It is a struggle to exist, to live in a world where every social gathering surrounds food. Where everyone is so intune with what I eat, how much or how little, how often, etc...it just adds to the feeling of powerLESSness when people try to take over like that. I have a hard time talking about this, and I get very emotional, as I have lived with this ED since I am 11. I was not 11 and thinkning I needed to look better. I was a terrified child who had no way to understand what the feelings I held inside me due to my families abuse, really were. So I turned to controling myslef...and here I am, 16 years later...ANYONE who thinks this is about vanity issues really has NO CLUE...just ask someone who is in touch with their ED.
I am sorry, I feel like I sound defensive when I write about this. I guess all the years of people misunderstanding me, just adds up!  :o
My love to all, Dara