Sorry guys---I just realized this should have been posted under the "advice" section.....

???

I've been talking to a guy online for almost three years now.  We talk on MSN everyday as well as send more than one email each day.  We've been doing this consistently for the duration of the three years.  
 
Now that I've known him for the amount of time which I consider "long enough", I've asked him to visit me.  (another country, overseas)......  
 
For the duration of our relationship, none of his friends or family have known I existed.  In the beginning, he said he was ashamed of having met me online.  After I talked to him about that, he changed the story and said that he wouldn't let anyone know of my existence until I met him personally....Now that the time is coming (less than 2 months), he still says that he's a private person and will tell his family and friends when he feels like it.  
 
My question is---is this a bad sign?  Does it mean he's just trying to hide me?    
 
I'm not even sure why this makes me feel so bad.  Personally, when I'm happy in a relationship, I love to tell everyone about it....  
 
Am I being too sensitive?  

My dear Teena, with all my heart I welcome you to our forum.

Here is my opinion, honest and from my heart:

You are not being too sensitive.

This is a very bad sign.

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman I met online over a year ago, and everybody she knows knows about me; I am happy to tell you that she is proud of me.

What you tell me does not sound good to me.

I wish you every happiness.  I am in unbreakable solidarity with you, always!

Thanks for your response....

I realize there IS something wrong..I just needed to know that it wasn't me....

Have a wonderful day.... *smile*

I think your bf is just looking out after himself and is trying to play it safe.   Now, while you have a right to be indignant about his self-centeredness, bear in mind that you only know each other online.   Men, in general, are not as emotional about relationships as women, and so it's not really that surprising that your bf is coolly looking out for himself in all of this.    

This is probably his 'logic' :

1) If I meet her and I don't like her, then I get rid of her and no-one (friends and family) know about the situation.

2) If I meet her and I like her, then I keep her and think of a way to introduce her to friends and family without making them think I was soo desperate that I resorted to finding someone online.  


Do you think what I said has any truth in it, or do you think I've mischaracterized your bf?

Your thoughts are mine exactly....

Deep down I know that he's ashamed of meeting me online and that shame just won't go away.

When I suggest that he just make up something (he spent time here, so it could've happened that we actually met), he just says he doesn't like to lie.

I'm almost positive he's protecting himself so that he can just get rid of me with no questions from anyone...but that's rather harsh, I think....

QUOTE

I'm almost positive he's protecting himself so that he can just get rid of me with no questions from anyone...but that's rather harsh, I think....

it is harsh, but I think it's true that he's, at bottom, protecting himself.  Right now, he's safely living out a little fantasy with you that no-one else knows about, and everything is fine so long as the fantasy remains separate from his real 'reality' (his secure, long-term reality involving friends and family).   But he's probably scared to death of his fantasy mixing with his long-term reality;  1) afraid if he doesn't like you when he meets you, and what he should do about it and how he should get rid of you discretely while causing you as little hurt as possible, and 2) afraid of if he does like you when he meets you, since now he has to think of a way to safely introduce you to friends and family (without embarrassing himself), and more importantly, now he has to shoulder the responsibility of taking the "relationship" to the next level, which can be a scary thing.


In all, I think talking with him about these concerns is a good thing.   Let him know that you know what all his possible motives could be for the way that he's acting and for the way he's trying to hide you, and see how he responds and whether he comes clean and just tells you the truth outright.   Too many times, we like to cosmetically-enhance the truth by covering up it's ugly parts with little white lies.   But, where's the truth in all of this?  Confront your bf about all of this, and let him know that you're not as naive and gullible as perhaps he was hoping you were.     And let him know that his way of "playing it safe" does not work for you, that it's not "safe" for you, and that he needs to stop thinking only of himself.

 

Has it occurred to no one else that there might be a real reason why he hasn't let his friends and family know? Like, I don't know- maybe he isn't who he has presented himself as? Maybe he already has a girlfriend- or even a wife- there in his own country.

Be realistic, you have been talking for three years to someone you have never met. Do you really think this qualifies as a relationship? Do you honestly believe that he has been faithful to you, sight unseen, for three years? How old are both of you?

I am sorry to be harsh, but this is the truth. You have a pen pal, not a boyfriend. Maybe after you meet you will have a boyfriend, and hopefully one that isn't otherwise attached. Good luck to you.

Hi Teena, any updates, did you finally meet?