Thanks Steve for your love and support and for caring so much about me! I know James is a wonderful guy I can see and embrace it heart! It is just so hard for me to open up! Some days I can't even see the beauty within myself! I hate the fact that I am so insecure about myself my body from the many scars I have. I see beautiful women and I think to myself how is it have a chance against such beauty. It just hurts becuase deep down I know that I am not like them! These beautiful skinny girls with everything going for them. I feel like I fair smaller by the comparison. ok maybe this has to do with the guy I am living with whom I do love deeply going out to a strip joint with his bro! It just really bothers me. It makes me feel 2 inches tall but I know I need to trust and it is not his fault that I feel this way about myself. James is such a wonderful and caring man I am just scared I think it comes from being judged so much in my past being compared to others and always falling short. I used to call myself a freak when I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw I was numb with pain. and then everything changed and I was born into a new body almost over nite. I used to refer to myself as an abomination. I have come along way but do I totally love myself for me? Proubably not! This is so hard to do. It is hard to wake up in the morning and love myself on the outside. but deep down I know I have a beautiful soul but in the end does it really matter? Oh I am just so confused. I suffered so muche motional abuse at the hands of others! My ex boyfriend told me if I didn't have sex with him he would find someone else. and then a few months later I found out by accident he went to a strip joint with all these beautiful women that I could not come close to comparing to. so when my best friend told me was going to a strip joint with his bro I just broke down and cried and now I still feel uneasy about it I mean isn't it better he goes with his bro then his friends! I mean his bro knows what we mean to each other. The thing is also I am starting to fall in love with James and his undying passion for me! Is this wrong? well I need to go now
                                                                  Love always,
                                                                Chrissy

Me against the world
al the beauty against little old me
am I crazy for feeling this way ???

I believe that we are glorified by our suffering.  I always tell Silke this.  Scars are beautiful; they remind us of the journey.  They are hard-won, and cost us everything; they are the only combat medals this life gives us: battle scars.  Be proud of your scars!  I am!  I am proud of the beautiful and scarred people I love; they are beautiful because they are scarred.  All the people I love most in this world have suffered, and are suffering even now; they are the most beautiful people in the world.  James and I, my beautiful little sister Dara, my glorious and transcendental Silke shining in the sky, all of us have scars.  And we are beautiful.  Any man who takes his girlfriend to a strip club seems an odd and selfish man indeed; this sort of objectification of the female body is insensitive at best, functionally cruel, and sadistic and degrading at worst.  I would never even visit such a place, alone or with other men; I certainly would never take a lover to such a place.  That is all very strange and cruel.  The only stripping lovers need is their own and that of each other; we do not require the services of professionals.   Let us open to each other, in the sanctity of aloneness together, of togetherness alone.  Follow your heart, Chrissy.  I see you and James together.  Believe.

I've been judged throughout my life. I've always been big. I was very heavy when I was younger. By the time I got to High School, my self-esteem was pretty much destroyed.  I still don't think that I am worthy of being desired or loved. But I have learned that in order to love others selflessly, I must learn to love myself. That is my journey. I have learned to love myself; and to believe that I am a worthy person. You have helped me to learn that, Chrissy. You've believed in me; and I truly believe in you. You are so beautiful, my Angel. I felt your beauty from the moment I first read your poetry. I have never seen you, but I feel your love and beauty around me always. It touchs me, warms me, and in times when I am sad, it sustains me. Believe in yourself, Chrissy.

You are my Angel
Your beauty lives around me
And within me
It holds me in my sorrow
It exaults me in my happiness
It is a part of me
And I am a part of it
You are my Angel
Ethereal and wonderful
Tangible and soulful.
You are my Angel
And I love you

James

We are all scarred. Most of my scars are self-imposed. A result of my own stupidity in my younger days. But they are a part of who I am. They have helped me to grow into the person that i am now. Because of them i have grown and learned to love.

James

Beautiful poem, James! And you are right, Chrissy is a beautiful girl!

I believe she deserves the best, and you seem like best!

Thank you all for your beautiful and kind words that have yet again touched my heart! I am a truely blessed person to have so many kind people in my life! I love each and everyone of you very much and you always will remain in my heart!

Your poem was beautiful and touching James it spoke to my heart and I began to cry but I it nourished my saddned heart and I cried tears of happiness I would like to thank you for this wonderful gift the gidt to hold your heart within me the gift of your loving tenderness and your friendship mean the world to me! James you will always be one of the best friends I will ever have! I knew you were someone special after I also read your poetry it spoke directly towards me and opened up my dying heart and soul it renewed my spirits and my belief in true love kindness and devotion in the human spirit! I am not afraid of hoping up to you! Your kindness emberaces my heart and like a flower my emotions unfold and bloom! You bring out my best qualities of who I trully am deep down inside and to know I don't need to hide who I was or who I am now from you is the greatest feeling in the world! +Steve believes in us and our loving relationship we have built do you ever dream or believe in "us"? I have been thinking about you so much lately but your patience is like medicine for wounded wings to know you will always be there for me means so much to me. When you said you were judged and Steve said that what holds all of us together is our suffering and our pain he was so right! this has brought us so close together. we share so much compassion for each other becuase we suffered. when you said you were big growing up I need to tell you I was too I still am and my self esteem suffered a great deal. I still am I battle an eating disorder daily my dear angel something that is a part of me. I eat to help stop the pain I feel to help push it down deep inside of me so as not to deal with it! it has been my way to cope for so long and I never knew I had an eating disorder because to eat to heal the pain was so natural to me and now it is such a hard struggle for me but I know you will stand by me no matter what! and for this alone I truly love you more than you could ever know I love you as my friend as as a person for the wonderful caring person you are. Thank you for sharing your life with me and I hope our future holds alot of love peace and happiness for us both! Thank you again for your loving words and your love sleep in peace Love you always,
                                                     Chrissy

My Angel, of course I dream and believe in us! You are a part of me; and I hope that I can always be a part of you. You have given me such a beautiful gift beyond that of your friendship. You have given me the gift of love. I had never really felt loved before; and I did not really know how to give love. That is, until I met you!! You taught me what love is and what love can truly become. You opened my heart; and that is why I gave mine to you. I just love you so much. I know that I have said that before, but I want you to really understand that I do! I will love you! I will support you! I will try to carry you when you are saddened. I will hold you when you are cold. I will give you my strength! I will touch you in my dreams!!

James