I would like to take the time to reveal to you all my story.  All of the things that I have kept bottled up inside, I need to get off of my chest.  I think it may help me to hear what others have to say about it, and to get some advice.  Bacause, in all reality, I am stuck as to where I am suppose to go from here.
   For those of you who don't know, I am 16.  Throughout their entire marriage, my parents always fought.  They didn't care who was around.  I have a 9 year old brother and a 7 year old sister. today.  Back when my paretns were in the pits of their marriage, i was 12.  Every night, it would be the same.  They would always fight.  I remember sitting in my room, screaming at the top of my lungs to stop.  They never would.  It's just the way they handled things.  It was mental AND physical abuse.  I never got into the physical, nor did my siblings.
   The day after my 13th birthday, I came home expecting the same old thing.,  Only, whenI got home, it wasn't the same old thing.  My dad wasn't home.  That was very odd.  There was a note from him on the computer.  That's when my heart sank.  As i read the note, tears welled up in my eyes.  i didn't finish before i ran into my parent's room.  His stuff was gone.  He was gone.  My initial thought was that he ran out on me.  On my family.  i was furious!
   I had good reason to be.  But not furious with my dad.  With my mom.  For not even a month after she kicked my dad out for having a so-called "gambling problem" (which  i don't doubt now that he had) she moved a new man into the house.  A man that we had only talked to online.  He moved here form boise, Idaho.  And form that day forward, life revolved around him and her.
   This new man and my mom had a baby a little over a year later.  he is now 2.  My mom's new love is back in Boise, in prison.  With charges of raping his 13 year old daughter! what kind of man did my mother bring into this house?
   I am still not a a part of her life, but i try to make her a part of mine, none the less.  If only she could understand the pain she caused.
   I went to Hawaii with my aunt, her sexual partner, and her nephew three summers ago.  I was 13 years old.  He was 16 at the time.  I don't want to go into detail, byut him and I were in the hotel room alone, and he attempted to rape me.  No one, to this day, knows about that.
My heart has been picked up, smashed, put back together, and smashed again.  It has endured more pain than i even know how to cope with.  But again and again, it continues to let others in.  Only for them to take advantage and break it once more.
   Pressure for me to go to college has doubled in the past year.  That point in my life is coming up.  And the closer it gets, the more my parents push me to it.  
   I also have a problem with with drugs and alcohol lately.  I have been getting high to get away from what i am afraid of.  It isn't the road that i want to take, but i am scared to tell anyone of my problems.  I keep them concealed in the depths of my soul, hoping that they will go away.
   I dont know who i am anymore.  I help so many people with figuring themselves out, that i dont have time to figure myself out.  Or what i want.  Sure, i seem like a happy person on the outside.  But on the inside, im screaming for help.  Im on the edge.  Please, reach out a hand to me. i dont want to fall.

Sure, i seem like a happy person on the outside.  But on the inside, im screaming for help.  Im on the edge.  Please, reach out a hand to me. i dont want to fall.

Lexi, here is my hand...

Sounds like a very unstable family life you have experienced. Unstable, insecure, this type of childhood is very hard to cope with. Childern THRIVE on structure, consistancy and safety. You were denied these things. I am so sorry you are feling so alone, so close to the edge. You are at the right place, you will get much love and support here. I do hope I can help you, I really have nothig to offer to you, but I wil listen and support you!

It seems to me like you really need to talk about all this. Like you need to get it all out. PLease feel free to write more here, and we will do our best to help you out!
You wrote that you are turning to drugs and alcohol to help escape your pain. This is a key sign to me that you are suffering, and the hurt insied is so bad you need to get away . I must tell you though, from experience of trying to escape teh pain inside, you can NEVER get away from yourself! Maybe writing here, that can help you deal a bit with what you have lived through, what you continue to live through.

I will say that you are brave and strong for riting this here. You took the very first step to getting help for yourself. You took a move towards the right direction. You reached out and now you can see you are NOT alone. I can be here to listen, offer advice and care. Once +Steven gets online, he will CERTAINLY know all the right things to say that will make you feel better, he is VERY good at that!

Please, don't give up. You have extended your hand for help, and I am reaching right back out to you!

Take care, and please write some more!
Love, Dara
PS...Do you have a relationship with your father now? How are your siblings handeling all this?

Welcome, Lexi!  Welcome home!  Tuesday was a horrible day for me, and so I wasn't able to welcome you properly, distracted as I was by the cruelty of others and the effects of their cruelty on the lives of those I love.  But here I am now, in the wee small hours in the same time zone as you, with strong tea brewing to clear my head (externally/internally), and Sibelius's Fifth Symphony on USC's radio station also to clear my head (internally/externally).  The reason my head needs so much clearing is that I have this strange thing about me and sleep: when I feel overwhelmed, I sleep a lot, and I have a little trouble waking up.  But I'd rather wake up, most of the time, because the dreams I have are unpleasant.  Do you ever experience anything like this?  Life is such an intricately woven tapestry, of so many colors and textures of threads... every time I see your name, Lexi, I remember a girl named Lexi who loved me in high school, back when I was sixteen--Happy Birthday on Saturday, by the way, sweet sixteen!--her name was Lexi Estrada, and she was the baton twirler.  Amazing!  Intimidating!  I was a little afraid of her!  So you are the second Lexi I have known.  Nice to meet you!  Another thread of the tapesty: you live in Oregon, and Tuesday I was much concerned about what some mean relatives of mine, who just happen to live in Oregon, are trying to do to me legally, in regard to a property dispute.  So today, on Wednesday in the wee smalls, the name Lexi has happy associations, the state of Oregon unhappy associations.  But the newest and brightest threads of the tapestry are where you and I find our lives woven together here through our site.  So here we are!  My sister Dara is so sweet, and has such faith in me; that was so nice of her to say that I would say the right things!  And here I am saying all sorts of things which you might find to be complete nonsense!  But I think you will understand me; I believe you will.  Here is my hand extended, first of all:  would you please be my friend?  I'm so glad Dara has written you; let me just add my enthusiastic "me too" here, and say I want to be your friend too!  My old retired Orange High School computer has been known to crash at the most annoying times, so I'm going to post this and then come back again, after reading your initial statement again.  But I offer myself in friendship; here's my hand, and here are my ears and eyes and heart as well.  Please feel free to talk to me; I promise you that I will listen.    

Well, Lexi, I went back and read your initial post again, and then wrote a long and detailed reply, and thought I had expressed what's in my heart pretty well, tied it all together at the end and was just going to enter it, when--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!--the dreaded crash came!  Waste and void!  Total loss!  Now, let's see, where was I...  Oh, yes.  Lexi, what about your father; what sort of relationship do you have with him?  I ask this because, oddly enough, my wife several years back threw me out too, and my daughter Maria and I have been close; closer since I got the old heave-ho, actually.  My ex-wife didn't want her to have anything to do with me, so, naturally, that made her want to know me better, and to keep in touch with me and to stay close.  You don't feel close to your mom because you feel betrayed about that business with the man from Idaho, quite understandably.  Yup, I was thrown out too, and now there is another guy.  My daughter says she tells her mother that she and her brothers feel like the baggage from their mother's first marriage, pretty much in the way and unwelcome.  Sometimes it's like this with the new happy couple; the kids sort of get forgotten a little bit.  After all, Maria tells me, they are constant reminders to their mother of her ex-husband... that would be me.  So I was just wondering if you could explore a relationship with your father.  Now that the troubled marriage is no longer front and center, he could connect with you and you with him as people, without the constant fighting going on and coming between you, preventing him from interacting with you normally.  Not a lot of meaningful moments happen between parents and children when the parents are locked in a downward spiral of conflict.  Battle lines are drawn sharply, and all is a war zone.  But that's all over now.  Maybe you and your father could get to know each other, now that the dust has settled.  And you feel betrayed by your mother.  And you had that horrible experience in Hawaii.  You reached out here, on this free and open site of ours, you were, as Dara so rightly said, very brave and strong to do so; you reached out, and I am reaching back to you.  The best advice I can give you is based on my own experience here with you in the wee smalls: live and love all you can.  Reach out, like this.  I feel so much better, because you reached out and I reached back.  The tea is all gone, the Sibelius is over (it's Mozart now; it's all good), and my head is clear, not because of the tea and the Sibelius, but because my heart is clear.  Reaching out to you, in response to your reaching out to me, has cleared out the existential detritus and made me feel connected.  The tapestry continues to be woven, with new threads in new colors and textures.  Let's live all we can!  Let's love all we can!  This is our one big chance, this crazy life; this is IT, as far as I can see, so we might as well make it one Hell of a ride!  And connecting seems to be the key to it, weaving the tapestry of our life together.  Because it looks like to me there is only one huge, enormous tapestry, bigger than the AIDS Quilt!  Just one gigantic one, on which we all weave and which is all woven together, with all our threads, colors, textures,  on and on, all over the world, forever and ever.  You've made ME feel better, here alone in the wee smalls; I hope I've made YOU feel better.  My advice: make it one Hell of a ride!  Live and love all you can!  Connect and weave.  And, as I said in the beginning: Welcome, Lexi!  Welcome home!      

Thank you soo much Dara and Steve for your wonderful support! i was overwhelmed by it, as i have not had such support in my entire life.  Both of you seemed to know exactly what to say.  Thank you!

I was very scared typing my whole life's story out onto a completely public website.  But i figured that since i get no support from family or friends, I might at well take a shot here.  I hesitated on the post button as well.  I'm glad that i hit that button.

Right after my parents split up, my dadand i began to suck ourselves to each other.  We would talk about everything, including his and my mom's relationship.  And the new relationship that was forming in my household.  After a year of them being apart, both of my parents seemed much much happier!  I should have been happier, too.  But, yes, i DID and still DO, feel like the baggage from her first marriag (as Steve stated).  Well, my dad had pretty much had Beccy in his life since about six months after my parents split up.  They were together, and the only thing that bugged me was that she was 21 at the time! (he is 23 or 24 now).  But, hey, my dad, who was basically my best friend, was happy.  So, naturally, I was happy for him.

Now, if you haven't already noticed this, i act much older than my age.  I hear it all the time.  It's the way my parents brought me up.  Although, now, they are kicking themselves in the rear end for that one!  So me and my dad's girlfriend are quite often acting the same age.  Which makes much conflict every other weekend at his house.  That just puts more stress on me, and makes me want to slap her!!

To make this long story short, in the past year or so, this b*tch (sorry) has taken my dad and slowly turned him into a mean and not so loving person.  In just the past month or two, my dad and i have been going in that downward spiral, almost like him and my mom went through.  That makes it very hard, as me and my mom have been doing the same for the past couple years.

Steve, to answer your question, yes, there are nights when i feel so overwhelmed i just sleep.  Then there are nights that i don't sleep at all.  That is when most of my poems are written.  I will stay up for days at a time because i just have too much to think about to sleep.  Or too much pain in my heart.  Some of that pain is being relieved as i sit here, on my kitchen floor, and write this message.  

My friends could never understand.  They lead what they put off as wonderful lives.  Sure, they have problems, but those problems are in regards to boyz, and being grounded, and what happened at that party Saturday night.  Many of my friends have turned their noses up at me.  Why would a teenager want to listen to things such as these?  That are so depressing that it stings one to think about.  I don't know.  I don't know how ANYONE could sit here and listen to this.  I know i can't.

The one friend that i do have that will listen to me is not someone that i want to talk to about it anymore.  All she thinks i should do is "find God."  But it's really hard to find something that you don't believe in (no offence to all those Christians, etc.).  That is always her solution to aeverything.  "You would feel so much better if you went to church with me and found God."  Don't get me wrong, she is a sweet person, which only the best intentions at heart, but she just can't truly understand my situation.

I still am thriving for that structure and for that safety, Dara.  Unfortunately, i am saddened to say, that i am not finding it anywhere.  Stability, as well.  I used to believe that if i got into a relationship, that i could find it.  That relationship turned abusive.  To this day, i am still not completely out of it.  I just try to shut him out of my mind; he has not shut me out of his. (this started about 5 months ago)
Not having that stability has also turned me into, and its embarassing to say so... but it has made me very submissive, in a sexual way.  I basically let the guys im with take advantage of me.  I know it's unhealthy and i know i shouldn't b/cuz i am so young, but it's what makes me happy.  In a sense....

i am glad to take your hands.  I am also glad to be home.  :)  Thank you soo much, again.  I think this is just what i need.

Love, Lexi

P.S. my siblings, i don't think are very aware of the current situation.  They don't know where my mom's b/f is.  Although they ask quite frequently.  They are very close with my father, but i do see that, too, taking a nose dive.

hello Lexi,

a very heart-touching story you told us.  I moved around a lot while growing up too, after my parents divorced when I was five, and so I know something about the sort of confusion and feelings you may be experiencing.

First, if you have a problem with drugs and alcohol now, then you need to stop.  You're really too young.  You'll have time to experiment when you're older, believe me, but it should be under better circumstances and not the one you're under now.  I realize they help you get away from it all and ease the pain, but it amounts to escapism.  It's like sticking your head under the covers and thinking everything's better when it's not.  You know better.  And you know that you need to meet your difficulties head-on.  You need to be strong.  And for that, you need to stop running away from your problems thru drugs and alcohol.

This may sound silly, but I would also suggest some form of aerobic exercise, like running, which will relieve a lot of your stress, believe me.  You need some sort of physical activity that will allow you to release your physical tension, to throw your stress into and allow it to dissolve away.  And regardless of what a bunch of popular magazines say, sex is not adequate aerobic physical activity.   I'm thinking more along the lines of running 1-3 miles every now and then.  It'll make you feel a lot better.

You really need to start taking care of yourself.  You can't always rely on your mom or dad for this, even though it's their responsibility to a large extent, but moms and dads are often negligent in their duties.  And if they are, is it right that the child suffers?  No.  Thus, you should start taking better care of yourself.  And that means giving up the drugs, taking up some form of aerobic exercise, taking time out from each day to 'center' yourself and try to gain peace of mind, and in general, making yourself stronger.

In most cases, it's better to go to college, but I don't know your situation entirely.  You may find college to be a liberating experience, but then again, you may be passing up other opportunities.  I will say this, however:  If you choose not to go to college like right after you get out of high school, then bear in mind that there's a very large chance you'll never go.  The chance to go to college really only comes at a particular age after you get out of high school, and once you pass it up, you don't really get another chance.  Just something to think about.

take care,
and good luck,
Shawn

Shawn~

I think that i may have confused you, and quite possibly others, when i said what i did about the drugs.  I do not constantly do drugs to get away from my problems.  But that is the path that i am headed down.  Occasionally i will have the chance to get high or get drunk.  And i will do it.  Be it once a week or once a month.  I do it because i think that it will help with my problems.  Obviously, it does not.  I know that i need to stray away from that, because it won't do me any bit of good.  If anywthing, it will only make my problems worse.  If not now, then in the future.

I take pretty good care of myself.  I feel as if i am living on my own , in a sense.  I clean the house, i make dinner, i watch my siblings.  All my mom really does is go to work, and bring home the one income that the 5 of us live on.  I also do Yoga every other day (which should be every day, but i dont always have the time).  Emotionally, i admit, i am doing a pretty crappy job.  Right now, though, i don't know how to do any better than what i am doing.

As for college.  I do wnat to go.  But the pressure OF me going is (and this is typical rebelious teenage talk here) making me not want to go.  I have college paid for.  Not a luxury that many people have.  My uncle owns two businesses up in Washington.  He is unmarried and has no children.  Me and my siblings are the closest he has.  With me being the oldest child, i get this gift of having all educational expenses paid for.  What an awesome uncle! that's what you're thinking, right? WRONG!  That is why the pressure has sky rocketed.  I want to go to college to become a Homicide Detective.  But if my paretns continue to push and pry, then my dreams are going to fade and stray from that.

Thank you so much for your advice, Shawn.  I really do appreciate it.  Especially the aerobic excersize part.  I used to run all the time.  Now i just don't really get the chance, i suppose.  I should start it up again. You are right, it really DOES help relieve stress.

Love, Lexi

YES! I agree with SHawn 100%. Physical exercise is the best stress reliever! I used to run 6 miles a day...recently I started smoking, and I no longer run that much! I want to run more, so I must quit. Rinning is sucha release, and it is good for your body too!

Good luck!
Dara

I thought i would just give you all an update on the current situations..

two days until my birthday.. no word from my dad in almost two weeks now.  i alwayz seem to miss him when he calls. and he has a new cell phone number now. i dont have it. no one in my house does. so i cant call him.  :'(

my mom is talking about going out of town this weekend. she always drags me with her. she doesnt seem to care that saturday is my birthday, and that i WANT to be home.  i WANT to get my liscense.  its all about her and Dan. her and Dan. all the time.

at least i have everyone here now.  it is so nice to be able to sit here and let some of this go through talking on this site.  im a speed typer, especially when im upset. it helps.

Shawn, i took your advice.  i started jogging again as of yesterday.  it really does help. i can feel it already.  i only started, and am out of shape, so i didnt jog for too long. but enough to feel the fresh air revitalize my lungs.  my mind was much at ease afterwards as well. it really helped me sleep last night.

Thanks again everyone!

Love, Lexi

I'm glad you got out to jog a bit, Lexi.  Unfortunately, it's too cold outside for me to do any sort of jogging  :( , but once it warms up I'll be out there again.

I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were heavily doing drugs and alcohol.  When I wrote that, I didn't know how frequently (or infrequently) you were doing these things, and I didn't form any preconceptions or assume anything, though I might have given the impression I did in that last post of mine.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the weekend and your birthday.  Happy 16th birthday, though I'm sure I'll be around to wish you happy birthday on your actual birthday.

take care,
Shawn

It's truly a joy getting to know you, Lexi!  I'm so happy we found each other!  

Shawn~

im sorry to hear it's too cold for you.  :( its rather cold in oregon, but i make the best of it.  i didn't think that you implied that i was doing drugs heavily.  i just wanted to make sure that no one else got the impression.  And thank you fot he birthday wishes.

It's a great pleasure getting to know you too, Steven.  And everybody else as well.

Have a good day everyone!!

Love, Lexi

And a Happy Birthday, sweet sixteen, to you tomorrow!

i hope you're around to read this, alex. i'd like to think that my talking to you had an impact on your decision making skills. you're one of my best friends. i wish it was possible for me to deliver you from your life, and put you with a perfect guy(one that's better than i was, or the one after me) just so you would be happy. unfortunately i cannot do that, and it pains me to see a person with such a vibrant and beautiful personality as yours be hurt like this. it's folly for me to think that i've had any influence over you at any time, you've always been the one to go off and do your own thing. but please, work through this. i can't help you, and no one else can either. but tough times make the good parts of life seem so much better.

even after all the words you and i have had, it's still hard for me to say things like this.

again, i hope that you made the right choice with things.

Love,
Ryan

Alaxi,
I am going to be shot. It very heart touching story. Yet it is common around the world. When a man and a woman have children does not mean they become parents. Parenting is the gift of nurtuaring, giving, and be there. Some people don't have them to give them. There are also great parents out there. You seem to be very intelligent lady. At this time there is nothing wrong of being selfish and take care of yourself and only yourself. You will be a great person since you have all this experience and one day you will share this experience with other people with simillar situation and impact their life. By starting here I can see you already impacted many of us. We feel your pain, but use this pain to take care of your self even if it hurts to do that.

I wish you the best of luck, and remember you don't need biological connection to realize your dreams.

Good Luck TO YOU

Thank you again everyone for all of your help.  I really do appreciate all the words of wisdom and love that you have shared with me.  You all mean so much to me.

I would really like to thank Ryan for coming in here and saying a few words. The day that he wrote this, I was very upset and almost did something i knew i would have regretted.  He stood by me, as I did for him when he was in my position, and helped me through that day.

Lately, life has been one roller coaster after another. I am not sure what way to turn or where to go.  I am being led down a dark path, which i cannot see down.  I am blind as to where it will lead me.  Searching for the light.  Knowing that i can come in to this website and express what i feel helps me come closer to that light.

I am sorry that i have not been on lately to offer my words to those in need. Please forgive me. Between life and my computer, there are not enough hours in the day.

I hope to talk to you all soon!

Love always,
Lexi

i'm glad you replied to this alex, i was starting to wonder what happened to you. i've tried calling you a couple times but nobody answered and i haven't seen you online for a long time. i'm glad my fears hadn't come true.

get through it butterfly, life does go on.

love,
Ryan.