I hurt. I'm in love with Chrissy; and i know that she loves me. But sometimes, I still feel so very, very alone in this world. I know that I shouldn't. But the pain inside of me is still there. I can't understand why I am still hurting. Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Like I can't escape the loneliness and pain of my past. I don't understand it. That's not who I am anymore. I've found love with Chrissy; and true friendship with all of you. But i am still hurting inside. I want to cry. But I'm afraid to. I'm scared that once I start crying, I won't stop. Can anyone understand what this is all about?

Dear James, dear friend, yes, I understand; let me attempt to put it into words and answer, for that is the hard part.  If I were there, or you were here, we would have the benefit of non-verbal communication--I speak of hugs, primarily--but since we don't have that at the moment, I will have to try to put it all into words.  This is the poet's challenge, isn't it?  

First of all, I must ask you to forgive me for not being friendlier of late, for being so busy and preoccupied, and for not answering these advice questions in a more timely manner; I'm finishing up the book, and it's all very busy.  Buit I will try to address your question now.

You are in love.  That's a big part of it right there.  The emotional gates are open now, gates long closed; you are more vulnerable now, and feelings long buried, long denied, are coming back now.  You live in California here where I do, and Chrissy lives in Pennsylvania; that's a part of it.  To be in love and to not be with the person you love in physical propinquity creates intense longing.  I believe you live with your father; perhaps you are concerned with his health.  There is an unspoken responsibility there, which must weigh heavily upon you, as it did on me when my mother and grandmother were living and I took care of them.  My mother died and then I joked that my grandmother took care of me; it felt like that, but there is a feeling of responsibility, and anxiety about the future, with and without your loved one.

Even though you are in love, James, you are lonely.  I know.  I am in love, and I am lonely; my loved one lives even further away than yours!  You feel like crying but are afraid to let go.  Let go.  If you feel like crying, cry.  It will only help you.  Don't be afraid.  You will connect with your inner child--that lonely child--through primal emotion, and it will only be a relief afterward.  Comfort that lonely child within.  Let him weep but then comfort him.  It might be very painful, but it is something we must go through: catharsis.  Share your feelings with Chrissy.  How is your communication with your father?  Share your feelings with him, without creating undue anxiety in his mind for the future.  Tell him you love him, reach out to him in solidarity, also to Chrissy, also to anyone else with whom you are close.  Explore unresolved issues with Chrissy; discuss the future, your future together, openly and honestly.  Haul all these things out into the light of day, and they won't be so scary!  Drag 'em all out on the lawn and hose them off.

Feel free to telephone me at any time; this goes for anyone else as well.  My number is (714) 289-8008.  I'm just down the freeway.

Remember: Solidarity forever, our union makes us strong.

All my love, respect, and solidarity to you, always.

Post again and continue the conversation, just according to how you feel.  I would like to open the conversation now to all our members, and ask that anyone with anything to share with James post here and dialogue with him.  Thanks!  All my love to all. 

 

My thoughts and wishes are with you both!!!!



Don't feel afraid to cry.
Can you imagine being afraid of laughing because you may never stop?
It jusy don't happen that way.
It washes away some of the fears.
At least, it sure will if my wishes come true!!

Best regards, Bill.

James,

you are NOT alone in your feelings. DO you see that there are many poeple here who care for you? Chrissy loves you, she is just  so far away. That is sad, but also you can be happy you have her here, and over the phone! I often think of how lonely I am at times, and then realize that I would be MUCH more alone without my friends here, though far in distance, they are close in my heart. You are close in my heart as well.

I can relate to the feeling of being afraid to cry, as it DOES feel like it may never stop! Although, I rarely cry, sometimes I think it would be beter if I could.

I hope you feel less alone knowing so many people here care for you, and others are going through similar experiences and felings as you are. You are not alone in this world, you are loved!

Stay strong and please let me know how you are feeling today!

Love,
Dara

I know what it's like to suppress the feeling of crying... I used to keep it down there until I really couldn't hold it anymore... it was a matter of testing my strength, feeling my strength.... weighing with thoughts.... testing the inner calm and center and smother it down with reason for crying is somewhat a display of hopelessness... but definitely a relief......

It's like a gradient.... let everything that you need to feel or think flow out, and it will all lessen down because you're releasing...

Taste the tears, taste the pain.... and right there love yourself... and as you have Chrissy.. share that and be loved by her...

You're lonely, that's ok, don't believe that there's something weird going on inside of you because of that.... everyone gets lonely and you can still get lonely when you're with Chrissy who lives very far away.
And you can still get depressed about what's around you.

Whether the troulbe lies within your inner conflicts or within the difficulty of current situations,in your case it would probably be both,
Try not to only see the impossible or insane- don't torture yourself,
Search for the possible....
Enjoy what you can and what's there.....


Hear this to soothe you:

Love is a wonder, which always is possible,
Difficulties, problems or bad things are facts, which are always there.
Hope wants to renew...  and  
Love overlooks all.
Love accepts itself how it is.

The world is crazy and senseless. The hope of seeing some sense behind the whole craziness, behind all this horror....
Lies only within the ones that love each other.

Is that enough to earn a hug?  ;D

Thank you, My Family. Your words have helped me tremendously. I think that i feel so lost right now because my Dad has been sick. Then, ny sister got sick. And finally, my Doctor  is having me come in for blood tests because my new kidney isn't functioning as well as it has been. Everything just hit me at once. I worried....scared....and feeling alone right now. I know I have Chrissy's love; as well as the love of all of you here; But I am still hurting. I don't want to go back on dialysis. My Mom was in the hospital and she passed away while on dialysis. I'm afraid of leaving this life just when I've found true love with Chrissy. I know that I'm being silly. I've been through worse. But, for some reason, I'm really, really scared now.
I will deal with this, I know. But my fears still haunt me.

My love to all of you. If I could, I would embrace each of you and tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life. You are my Family, and I love all of you dearly.

James

+Franziska, my friend, here's your hug.

                       HUG!!!!!

Thank you.

James

Hey.. i KNOw that she lvoes you too. i have talked to her and she is always telling me how sweet and nice and awesome you are. she loves you. i know that you may feel she doesnt love you, or you feel like you dont know becasue she is away alot and you dont get to see her. but trust me she does. and people are always going to feel as if you odnt know, but in ur heart eventuallyyou wil understand she loves you.. VERY much.. and i just wish i had someone as good as you or her to love me and to love me as much as she lveos you. ROze

aww thanks Rooze I love you too! :-* I have been meaning to get to your posts in the realtionship forum
:-[ I have been reading them I am soo sorry you are going through a tough time :'(....PLease just know that I am here for you as your friend and i care about you alot! You are a wonderful person



Love yas,
Chrissy

WEll thanx if ur talking to me.. lol and yea of course.. rOze

Roze, you are an exceptionally wonderful and sensitive person. You ARE loved. Never forget that.

James

aw thank you!! you made my day.. lol but rreally.. thanx.. and if it werent for you all on here. i would totally be lost in this world.. :-*
Roze

you make all our days more brighter Roze just by being in our life! We all love you and yea I was talking to you.....

Love yas much,
Chrissy

Chrissy's right. I know that I'm really lucky to know you and call you part of my Family.

James

wow.. thanx you guys.. thanx alot... relaly.. ROze