rhymer
Mar 26, 2003, 09:09 AM
Bad Times Virus
NEW VIRUS ALERT 'Bad Times'
From: Amy
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspacefield harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
Bashing Both Sexes
Let's bash BOTH sexes.
What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife? -- 45 lb
What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband? --45 mins.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a
woman? -- Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a
man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? --
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
-- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
-- Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed
from the waist down? - Marriage
How many men does it take to change a
light bulb? -- None, they just
sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
-- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in
common? -- If you lay them
properly the first time, you can walk all
over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men
that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking? -- Because those men already
have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A
padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy"
and "Filthy but wearable"
What's the difference between a new
husband and a new dog? - After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying? -- The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? -- A
golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
colony? -- The guy who can
have a cup of coffee in each hand and
still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the
nudist colony? -- The woman who
ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery
and a woman? -- A battery has a
positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all
in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts? -- The blonde,
because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder
Bra? -- When you take it off
you wonder where the breast went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? --
Two mothers-in-law.
Be 6 Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes opened an she said: "You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Bear Alert
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please
note the following public-service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away
most bears.
Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the
trail, paying particular attention to Bear droppings to be
alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a
grizzly dropping because it has bells in it.
Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know
I've Been A Liar All My Life?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart.
(Note: 8 songs below, these should be sung in two part harmony!)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But
Baby I Can See Through You
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Bill and Hillary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought of a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Bob Dylan Song
From: Amy
New Words to an old Dylan Song:
How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend
How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch
The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin
Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain
How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them
The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.
Born Before 1945
THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945
We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastics, contact lenses, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens; before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes - and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not "coming out of". Bunnies were small rabbits, and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer space was the back of the Ritz Theater.
We were before house husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and commuter marriages. Gay meant happy and not, ... well, you know what. We were before day care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt and guys wearing earrings. For us, time sharing meant togetherness - not computers or condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't a word!
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.
We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. Sanders or Wilsons sold ice cream cones for a nickel or dime. For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Coca-Cola or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $600, but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink and POT was something you cooked in. ROCK music was a grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principle's office.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder we are so confused, and there is such a generation gap today! But we survived! What better reason to celebrate!
Brain Teasers
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced
incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What
time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart.
The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every
15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest,
how
many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a
window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the
bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass
on
the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor.
How
did sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has
been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water
which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and
size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, at the same time, which ball would hit the
bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center
field?
11. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
The Answers
1. Incorrectly.
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between
two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole,
and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you
follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before
addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked
his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of
dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason,
too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know
how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F
water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the
30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about
that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to
slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
stack.
11. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.
Bubba Died
From: Amy
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
Perplexed, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Buying a Bra
From: Mary Beth
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said.
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked: "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Catholic Mothers
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends:
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
The fourth Catholic woman says "My son is a
hard bodied stripper, when he walks into a room women say 'Oh my God'".
Chocolate
from: Nancy
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean =
vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar
CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable
category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To
go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is
dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a
hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract
each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can't let that happen, can you?
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all
the women you know (or ever knew), and you
will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds
immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it.
Church Bloopers
More Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied
our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of
his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who
labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.
Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Confucius Says
From: Amy
Confucius say.....
1. Virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for his money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
13. Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like Hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
20. Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Da Yooper Glossary
DA YOOPERS GLOSSARY
A
Affected Time Zone Disorder
This is a problem suffered by those Yoopers who live on the Central/Eastern time zone line in the southwestern section of da Upper Peninsula. Four counties in da U.P., Menominee, Dickinson, Iron and Gogebic, operate in the Central Time Zone. Those who live in this area are often heard to say, "Is that my time or your time?"
Apple Knocker
A person from the Lower Peninsula. Usually a hunter who likes to hunt in da U.P.
B
Babysit
That yellow stuff in diapers.
Beer
Da Yoopers favorite drink.
Big Bad John
Sixty foot statue of a miner that welcomes you to the Iron Mountain iron mine tourist attraction in Vulcan, Michigan.
Black Ice
It's not in your drink! It's the kind of ice you don't know is on the road until your car starts to go out of control!
"Breakwind"
Nickname given to the student newspaper "Northwind" at Northern Michigan University.
C
Canucks
Canadians (name most often heard in Sault Ste. Marie "Da Soo")
Cheesehead
A native of the neighboring state of Wisconsin.
Choppers
A deer skin mitten with a wool mitten insert. What Yoopers wear to keep their hands warm. Choppers are also part of Yooper active wear that include a Chuke and a pair of Swampers.
Chuke
What the Trolls call a stocking cap. A knitted hat usually with a tassel and usually hand knit by your grandmother. Pronounced "Chook, Sounds like book" or "Chuke, Sounds like puke." (see also "Touke").
Crawler Gear
4WD Low gear in a four-by-four; used for inching or crawling along in treacherous terrain.
CHP
Crawling Home Puker
Cudighi
A hamburger-like sandwich with a spicier meat, mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce.
D
Da Bears
Da NFL team Da Yoopers hate the most!
Da Camp
Where male Yoopers go each Fall - Hunting Camp; usually means deer camp
Da Doo Wop Malt Shop
Da ultimate place to go for 50's style malts, sodas and ice cream treats. Enjoy 50's style decor and juke box. Located at the top of the hill in Norway, MI. Turn right at the top of Norway Hill and follow signs.
Da Locks
The Locks system in the St. Mary's River in Da Soo. Very beneficial maritime navigational aid for shipping, and a source of confusion for Fudgies (Why are the Locks built here? Why weren't they built someplace where more people could see them, like Detroit or Chicago?)
Da Mitten
Another nickname Yoopers have for da Lower Peninsula.
Da Pack
Da NFL team dat da Yoopers love da most!
Da Soo
Sault Ste. Marie, Yooperland. Right across the border from Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Great White North.
Da Yooper Bowl
This football game was played for the first time, this fall (1996), in California. It featured Steve Mariucci's California Golden Bears against John Ralston and San Jose State. (Mariucci is a native of Iron Mountain. Ralston is a native of Norway, Michigan.)
Da Yoopers
Not only means the inhabitants of Michigan's UP, but also the name of one of the most popular bands in da U.P.
DNR
The organization most responsible for the extinction of native brook trout in Yooperland. Also known as the Department of No Results.
Dippin'
To go smelt dipping. Especially on the first weekend of the smelt running at the Days River outside Gladstone
Dreaded Dash of Death, The
When you try to cross US 41 by the Yoopers Tourist Trap and not get killed by a boss beer truck.
E
Edmund Fitzgerald
Iron ore carrier, steaming out of Duluth, that sank 15 miles off of Whitefish Point with all 29 hands on 10 November 1975 during a hurricane-force gale on Lake Superior. Also the inspiration for Gordon Lightfoot's tribute, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."
Eh
A word that ends practically every sentence in the U.P. (example: "Say ya to da U.P., Eh!").
Eino
Half of famous Finnish duo Toivo and Eino. Many, many yooper jokes feature Toivo and Eino!
F
Fifteen-two
The game of Cribbage
Finglish
The official language of Da U.P. Examples- Dese, Dem Dose, and De Udders (and De Udders ain't on De Cow!)
Flatlander
A person from the lower peninsula (see also "Loper" and "Troll").
Flivver
Nickname of Kingsford high school sports teams. It comes from the name given to a Model A Ford that was produced in Kingsford in the 1920's.
Fudgie
Affectionate term for tourists (usually Trolls) who buy massive amounts of homemade fudge while on Mackinac Island and at Da Locks in Da Soo.
G
Gaas (as spoken in Crystal Falls)
Da stuff dat makes cars and lawn mowers go.
Give 'er tarpaper
To work feverishly, something Yoopers are famous for.
Going Shop-ko (or Co-op)
Yooper phrase meaning "Going to the store."
Greater Michigan
What Trolls call the Lower Peninsula.
Great White North
Canada.
H
Head 'er For Sagola
Let's paint the town red!
Heikki Lunta
In Yooperland mythology, the god of snow.
Hematites
Nickname of Ishpeming high school sports teams. Comes from a type of iron ore mined in the Ishpeming area.
Holy Man!
Not used to describe a clergyman, but rather as the ultimate Yooper exclamation. Used when a mere "Holy Whaa" doesn't suffice. The A-bomb of Yooper exclamations.
Holyowha
Yooper expletive meaning, roughly "Holy _______!"
I
IGA
Da Grocery Store
J
Jumbo
Quart of beer you drink while sittin' on da porch and listenin' to da Tigers.
K
Knockin' Pine
"He's spending Saturday night without a date!"
Kromer
The historical old-fashioned hat with ear flaps and a flannel lining worn by loggers and miners in photos from the U.P. boom years. Made by the Kromer company in Milwaukee Wisconsin, and still sold in select fashion emporiums in the U.P. A favorite of Yooper outdoorsmen.
L
Lambeau Field
Mecca for Yooper football fans. Located in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Home of the 1995 Central Division champion Green Bay Packers! Yoopers have been known to bow toward this structure three times daily!
Lats
Skis, usually homemade.
Loper
Native of the Lower Peninsula of Michigan (see also "Troll" and "Flatlander").
M
Marble Orchard
Cemetery.
The Mining Urinal
Nickname given to the Marquette County newspaper The Mining Journal
Modeltowner
Nickname of Gwinn high school sports teams.
Motor City Madman
See Ted Nugent.
N
Nine-O-Six (906)
God's area code (the area code for all of Yooperland).
Noseeums
Tiny gnats capable of driving strong men insane.
O
Overseas
Anything sout' of da Bridge.
P
Packer-Backer-Maki
Budweiser-drinkin-snow machine ridin'-snow suit wearing-Skoal chewing-Green Bay Packer fanatics.
Pasty
Finnish (or Cornish, depending on who you want to believe!) meat pie made with onions beef and potatos. Many variations on the basic recipe have been created. Some include rutabaga and cayanne pepper. The pasty was introduced to the U.P. by immigrants in the 1880's. Best to buy those that are made in da U.P. Those made elsewhere don't taste nearly as good. If it's made below the Mackinac bridge, don't buy it unless a certified Yooper has prepared it!
Pine Mountain Ski Jump
One of the world's best 90 meter free standing ski jumps. Since 1939, has held annual ski jumping tournament. In 1996 held World Cup ski jump event. First one in United States since 1990. Masahiko Harada of Japan set a new hill record with a jump of 459 feet, a jump that also tied the North American Ski Jumping record. Pine Mountain Resort is also a great place for recreational downhill and cross country skiing. Located in Iron Mountain.
Pre'ner
Stands for "pretty near" as in: There were pre'ner tirty bucks out by da camp! Or, We're pre'ner Felch now.
Q
Quill Pig
The native U.P. porcupine.
R
Raha
Money or other medium of exchange.
Ralph
A small community in Da U.P. Also means to drink too much and toss your cookies!
RAM-ing
Running amuck. Out for a road trip or a day of heavy duty shopping!
Rest Stop
Public bathroom near the highway. (rare in Yooperland)
S
Sail Rabbit
Delicacy enjoyed by diehard Yoopers. Actually it's the flattened rabbit (or other varmint) you find on the highway who just missed making it across US 2 with the rest of his bunny friends. The more vehicles that have run over it, the better! After peeling off the road let dry on the front porch or in the back of your pickup truck. When dry, sail it through the air like a frisbee.
Seney Stretch
The "Seney Stretch" is an approximately 18 mile stretch of M-28 from Seney to Shingleton. This stretch is a straight line run along the northern boundary of the Seney Wildlife Refuge. There are lots and lots of trees here, but not much else. The only notable road that intersects it (in my memory) is the Crieghton Truck Trail. This is nothing but a rut road in the finest tradition.
Side By Each
Standing next to each other. As in, "Der dey were; towsands of deer standing in da field side by each!"
Sisu
The quality possessed by Yoopers which enables them to endure and even enjoy Yooperland winters.
Sitt
Manure.
Skeeter
A large native insect known to suck small animals dry. Rumored to be Yooperland's 'state' bird. Distant cousin to the domesticated mosquito found in other areas.
Skunk Beer
It's the kind of beer that, after you have opened one and taken a sip, you realize why it was on sale for $2.99 a case! It can also make you wonder how they got the skunks to stand still and pee in the bottles!
Smart Pill
Rabbit droppings, in Yooperland legend said to increase intelligence.
Smelt'n
Fishing for smelt. Dip nets are often used. The Days River near Gladstone is a good place to go smelt'n
Snow Cow
Moose (or mother-in-law).
Snow Tank (also Snow Boat)
A big old rusty car, preferably a large Dodge, Chevy or Plymouth from the 1960's 70's or early 80's with at least 140,000 miles on it that gets about 7 miles to the gallon. When a snow storm and bad roads shut down other cars, these cars will get you to your destination. Radio, heater and windshield wipers optional. Also looks better if you have a coat hanger for an antenna and are missing at least one hub cap.
Sparklers
If a Yooper is caught wearing an extremely white pair of socks he is said to be sporting a pair of Sparklers!
Speed Beef
Those four legged critters with white tails and antlers that run in front of your car and freeze in the headlights. Best served as sausage or smoked jerky.
Stop and Go
What a traffic light is called in the U.P.
Sugarbeeter
Another term (old 1940's) for a flatlander.
Suomi Kutsu
The longest running Finnish-American television show in America. Hosted by Carl Pellonpaa, it airs on WLUC-TV 6, on Sunday mornings. Suomi Kutsu is Finnish for "Finland Calling."
Swampers
Rubber boots worn by Yoopers in the spring during the muddy season. (Not a winter boot.)
T
Taught
The past tense of Tink
Ted Nugent
Rock and roll legend and wildlife guru to Yoopers. Believes in the spirit of the wild and the preservation of wilderness paradises like the upper peninsula. Also goes by the names: Whackmaster, Uncle Ted, like most Yoopers, Ted won't back down and won't take crap from anybody!!! One of the few downstaters that has been adopted into the great white north Yooper society! His album "Spirit of the Wild" and songs like "Fred Bear" epitomize the feelings of those who are fortunate enough to live in the U.P.
Terrorist
People from Detroit or Ohio who visit the UP every November.
Tinking
Yooper mental process, usually done with the aid of a cigarette and a cup of coffee (or a beer).
Tip Up Town
Once winter sets in and the ice thickens on the U.P.'s many lakes ice fishing shanties start to appear on the lakes creating tip up towns. A "tip up" is a small fishing pole used for ice fishing.
Toivo
The other half of "Eino and Toivo". These Finnish names come up in many a Yooper joke!
Touke
Pronounced:Chouk. A winter hat worn by a Yooper, similar to a stocking cap (see also Chuke).
Trasher
Yooper party where everyone brings a bottle of booze and pours it into a trash can for all to share. A brand new trash can is recommended but not always used!
Tree
The number after one and two. Used mainly by older yoopers.
Trenary Toast
No cup of coffee or tea is complete without a piece of Trenary toast to dunk into it. It's a hard cinnamon toast that people are willing to drive miles and miles for.
Troll
Refers to a native of the Lower Peninsula of Michigan (see also Loper and Flatlander).
Turd
Comes after first and second. Used mainly by older yoopers!
TV 6 WLUC
For people without cable, it's the link to the outside world! Over the years people have referred to it as "With Luck U C TV!"
Tweener
Someone who is constantly running between home and da camp!
U
V
W
Wayne Fontes
#1 cause of heartburn and ulcers among Dee-troit Lions fans in da U.P.! As of December 27, used in the past tense!
Wha!
An exclamation used only by Yoopers. used in place of "WOW!"
Where's the flood???
Translation: "Your pant legs could be lowered a few inches!"
X
Y
Ya Know?
Yooper phrase meaning "Do you agree?"
Yah, Hey!!!
You've got to be kidding me! I don't believe it!
Yooperland
The territory north of the Mackinac Bridge.
Youbetcha
Yooper phrase meaning, "Yes, without a doubt."
Youse Guys
You guys. Often used to refer to more than one person, i.e. "Are youse guys going smelt'n tonight?"
Z