Dieter's Prayer


Lord, Grant me the strength,
That I may not fall,
Into the clutches,
Of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates,
I'll never mutter,
For the road to hell,
Is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed,
And cream is awful,
And Satan is hiding,
In every waffle.
Beelzebub is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South..
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.





Doctor's Appointment

From:      Mary Beth

That Appointment

This is one that I think only women can truly understand... but the whole idea is pretty funny!! For all those who tend to be humiliated at  the OB-GYN office... In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations  paid money ($100-500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300.

She said: I was due later that week for an  appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I  received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that  morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45  already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35  minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I  like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when  making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make  the full effort. So I  rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the  washcloth and gave  myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink,  taking extra care to make sure I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the  clothes basket, donned  some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my  appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all  do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and  pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My...we have taken a little extra effort this  morning, haven't we?"

But I didn't respond. The appointment was  over. I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal - some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening, my 4-year-old daughter  was getting ready to go to a school dance when she called down from the  bathroom, "Mom where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back "No! I need the one that was  here by the sink.  It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".




Exercise Is Good For You!


Exercise is good for you...

 1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

 2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

 3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

 4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what
I'm doing.

 5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes,
he would have put them further up our body.

 6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

 7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die  healthier.

 9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a  small country.

 10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
 I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
 




Facts From the 1500's

from Delores:

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to
be....       Here are some facts about the 1500s:

 Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

 Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice rats, and bugs) lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

 There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

 The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of wood was placed in the entry way - hence, a "thresh hold."

 They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then add to these to start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while-hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

 Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

 Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.  Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

 Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.  The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."

 England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the soil and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".






Female Comebacks

From:      Mary Beth

Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.




Fiftieth Birthday Gift

Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll
call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his
Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it
in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He
said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out
with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the &^%$# barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich!!!! (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard). The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
*$@#& Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy!






Food For Thought

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they
be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you give
your two penneth, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread
to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet
paint, you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for
their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?





For Women Only

 Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
 
 EXERCISE 1:
 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
 
 EXERCISE 2:
 Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to  slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
 
 EXERCISE 3:
 Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.  Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.  Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.
 
 Just a thought for all the women out there.
 
                                        MENtal illness
                                        MENstrual cramps
                                        MENtal breakdown
                                        MENopause
 
 Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? ....and when we have real trouble,  it's

                                       HISterectomy





Friendship Poem

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem
that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

My Friend,

When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you get well again. I don't
want whatever you have.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're
my friend!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you
realize you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you
right now anyway.






Gender to Noun

From:  Christine

The Washington Post held a Style Invitational in which it was postulated
that English has male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a
gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons

The best submissions...

Detective Novel -- Female
Because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.

Swiss Army Knife -- Male
Because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys -- Female
Because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Penlight -- Male
Because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.

Hammer -- Male
Because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to
have around and is good for killing spiders.

Tire -- Male
Because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon -- Male
Because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of
course, there's the hot air part.

Web page -- Female
Because it is always getting hit on.

alternatively...

Web page -- Male
Because you have to wait for it to reload.

Shoe -- Male
Because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier -- Female
Because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
- or -
Because it is an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pushed.
- or -
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pushed.

Magic 8 Ball -- Male
Because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

Ziploc bags -- Male
Because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sponges -- Female
Because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Critic -- Female
What, this needs to be explained?

Subway -- Male
Because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

Hourglass -- Female
Because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.






Generic Drugs

All drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen.
Advil is Ibuprofen, etc

 For the last few months, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has
 been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Yesterday they announced that
 they have finally settled on a name for it, and it will be called
 "Mycoxafailin."




Grandma's Bumper Sticker

Grandma Bought a Bumper Sticker

The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost
in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk
like crazy.  He must really love the Lord
because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a
football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window,
waved and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I
could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw
him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.

I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They
kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me
that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I
did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window,
gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign
as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Love ya all,

Grandma




Green Garden Snakes

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass
snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened
over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world -------

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.






Heaven Admittance Policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.  The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.  The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.  The Angel at the gate,  remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said.  "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.  I immediately began searching for him.  My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there  was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell  to the ground.  But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.  This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.  It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!  The excitement of the moment was so great  that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."  

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,  "OK sir.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.  

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your Day was like when you died." The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this.  I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.  I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine.  But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.  Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom  which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.  It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."  The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.  "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces.   "Welcome  to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.  

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.  The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please  tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked inside this refrigerator.




Helpful Info

From: Gail
 
 
  There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand
  new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road,
  flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what
  little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought
  and floored it some more.
 
  He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a
  State Trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren
  blasting. "I can get away from him with no
  problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down
  the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm
  too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the
  road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him..
 
  The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the
  man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30
  minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason
  why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
 
  The man looked back at the Trooper and said,
  "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you
  were bringing her back."
 
  The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day!"




How To Handle Telemarketers

  HOW TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS
     1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
  bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

     2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
  want to know?"  Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you
  asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
  these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
  my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just
  keep talking about your problems.

     3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
  spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
  ask them where it is located.  Continue asking them personal
  questions or questions about their company for as long as
  necessary.

     4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
  is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You:  (Wait for a second)
  With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

     5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!  Judy,
  how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
  moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know
  you from.

     6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
  one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
  This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

     7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
  Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't
  have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"

     8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out?
  Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

     9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
  them that you could not just give your credit card number to a
  complete stranger.

     10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company,
  they often can't sell to their fellow employees.

     11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
  telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my
  God!!!" and then hang-up.

     12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them
  if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them
  back.  When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out
  their  HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone
  bothering you at home, right?"  The telemarketer will agree and
  you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

     13.  Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

     14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please
  hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
  your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
  dinner conversation.

     15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
  if they could bring you some beer.

     16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I
  should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

     17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
  joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
  momma?"

     18. Tell them you  are hard of hearing and that they need to
  speakup... louder...  louder... louder...

     19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you  want to write
  DOWN EVERY WORD
 




In The Beginning

from Chris

     IN THE BEGINNING
 
 
   In the beginning God created the heavens and the
   Earth.  And the Earth was without form, and void, and
   darkness was upon the face of the deep.
 
   And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
 
   And God said, "Let there be light," and there was
   light.  And God said,"Let the earth bring forth grass,
   the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding
   fruit," and God saw that it was good.
   
   And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
 
   And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our
   likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of
   the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the
   cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every
   creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so
   God created Man in his own image; male and female
   created he them.  And God looked upon Man and Woman
   and saw that they were lean and fit.
 
   And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this
   game."
 
   And God populated the earth with broccoli and
   cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables
   of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
   healthy lives.
 
   And Satan created McDonald's.  And McDonald's brought
   forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
   And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
   And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5
   pounds.
 
   And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might
   keep her figure that man found so fair.
 
   And Satan brought forth chocolate.  And Woman gained 5
   pounds.
 
   And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
 
   And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.  And Woman
   gained 10 pounds.
 
   And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy
   vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
 
   And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it
   needed its own platter.
 
   And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went
   through the roof.
 
   And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved
   to lose those extra pounds.
 
   And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control
   so Man would not have to toil to change channels
   between ESPN and ESPN2.
 
   And Man gained another 20 pounds.
 
   And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
   And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable
   naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
 
   And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
   starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
   And he created sour cream dip also.
 
   And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato
    chips swaddled in cholesterol.
 
   And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went
    into cardiac arrest.
 
   And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
 
   And Satan created HMO's.




Ineffective Daily Affirmations

From:      Judi

    * I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
    levels of suspicion and paranoia.
    * I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
    that are someone else's fault.
    * I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself.
    Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
    * In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
    * I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have
    no personality at all.
    * I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
    censorious, self-righteous people around me.
    * The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
    second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
    someone to buy me nice things.
    * Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
    knots.
    * Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
    with imaginary fears.
    * Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to
    incessant nagging?
    * Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
    there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
    * False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
    * A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
    problem.
    * Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
    watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
    * Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a
    minute... I'll find someone.
    * I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people
    I can laugh at.
    * The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend
    I am not home.
    * To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
    look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
   




Interesting If True

WOULD YOU ASK THE KING?  READ ON.
 
Interesting if True
 
 
  1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight & sleep tight."
 
  2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would  supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based; this period was called the honey month or what was known today as the honeymoon.
 
  3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
 
 4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 
  5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from!

  6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.





Interesting Thoughts For Women


Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile:  Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an Aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would  put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman
gain 5 pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like, "You
know sometimes I just forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys.  But I've never forgotten to eat. You
have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body how'd
you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"  Clear as a
bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30
can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.





LAWS FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY

LAWS FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY

1.  Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

2.  What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.

3.  Never let your man's mind wander...it's too little to be out alone.

4.  Go for younger men.  You might as well...they never mature anyway.

5.  Men are all the same...they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

6.  Definition of a bachelor:  A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

7.  Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

8.  Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

9.  Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

10.  If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

11.  The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

12.  If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

13.  Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes...it means that you laugh at his.

14.  Sadly, all men are created equal.




Letter Received By A Bank

From:      Christine

Letter received by a bank recently and printed in the New York Times...
   
    Dear Valued Bank Manager,
   
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the  funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly  deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
   
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of  penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
   
    You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs this year, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
   
    To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
   
    From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
   
    You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an  Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know  as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
   
    In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
   
    Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
   
    1. To make an appointment to see me;
    2. To query a missing repayment;
    3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
    4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
    5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
    6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
    7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
    8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
    9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
   
    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
   
    Oh, the banks are made of marble
    With a guard at every door
    And the vaults are filled with silver
    That the miners sweated for!
   
    After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
   
    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
   
    First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.  Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
   
    My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
   
    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, future.
   
   
    Your humble client.