Quotes From Famous Women

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
~Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.
~Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?  Every time  I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
~Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever.  When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell  
out.

The dog snatched it, and I found  myself chasing him down the road yelling,

"Hey, come back here with my breast!"

~Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
~Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a  woman?
It's plucking your eyebrows.  That's how I  originally got  pierced  ears.
~Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
~Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
~Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being  hitting  my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
~Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
~Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do  what he  can't.
~Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
~Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be  thought half  as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
~Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
~Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
~Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a  horrible warning.
~Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called  ME slow!
~Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee.
~Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman... is a basket of dirty laundry.
~Sally Forth





Reminisce

from Delores:

Something to reminisce about!!!

 Take a step back...Take a stroll with me...........close your eyes............and go back.............before the    Internet..........before semi-automatics and crack..........before SEGA or  Super Nintendo.............before  AIDS...........................wayback..................

 I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop, about hide and go seek, Simon Says, Red light - Green light.  Lunch boxes with a thermos. Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Janes, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.  Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty...........all in black & white.

 When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going
 somewhere.  Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard  that your stomach hurt.  Remember that?

 Not stepping on a crack or you'll break our mother's back........ paper
 chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington ...the smell of paste in school and Evening in Paris. What about the girl who dotted her
 "i's" with hearts?  The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops.

 Remember when........there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys
 (Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you wore them at school was for gym." And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.  When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.  When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.  When nobody owned a purebred dog.  When a quarter was a decent allowance, When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.  When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, every day and wore high heels.

 Remember  when you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked,  and gas
 pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.   And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your  parents.  When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ...........and did! When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum.  And the prom was in the gym  and you danced to an orchestra. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped bandaids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.  And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.

 Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a .  .  "    And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game.

 Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic
 seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress .....don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace ....  and share it with the children of today...  When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of driveby shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

 If this was fun for you, send this on to someone who can still remember  Nancy Drew, The Hardy
 Boys, Laurel & Hardy,  Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery,  The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk....as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool....and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

 Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that.....?




Rules About The Blues

From:    Christine

1 - Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2 - "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."

3 - The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes...sort of.  (e.g., "Got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500
pound.")

4 - The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch - ain't no way out.

5 - Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6 - Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7 - Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada.  Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.

8 - Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9 - You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.  The
lightin' is wrong.

10 - Good places for the Blues: a. Highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed,
d. bottom of a whiskey glass.  Bad places:  a. Macy's, b. gallery
openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses

11 - No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12 - Do you have the right to sing the Blues?  Yes, if: a. you older
than dirt, b. you blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis, d. you can't be
satisfied.  No, if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind
but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401K or
trust fund

13 - Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny
Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. - Acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or
bourbon, c. muddy water, d. nasty black coffee.  The following are NOT
Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast

15 - If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is a good Blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
substance abuse, and dying lonely on
a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
tennis match or getting liposuction.

16 - Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d.
Fat River Dumpling

17 - Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d.
Big Willie

18 - Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19 - Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.).  b. first name (see above) plus name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.).  c. last name of President (Jefferson,
Fillmore, etc.).  For example:  Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi.")

20 - I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.





Sam's New Boots


From Amy

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,

"Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow,"

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat."




Sayings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell
alone.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain-dance.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to the
recipient.
But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future.
We cannot change the past.
We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the
future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things
that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.






Signs You've Had Too Much of Progress

From:      Christine

 Signs That You've Had Too Much of Progress

* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
  and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
  but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
  one for your email buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college
  roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at
  the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and
  now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a
  purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
  of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
  do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person





Some Things You Just Can't Explain

From:      Amy

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting  here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"  

The farmer shook  his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat  down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking  her.  Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and  kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."  

"Some things you  just can't explain," the farmer replied.  

"So what happened then?"  the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it  to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."  

The man laughed and said, "Again?"  

The farmer replied, "Some things  you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as I got
the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't  explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took  off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my  pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just  can't explain."




Story of 3 Men


 Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

  One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.

 The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

 The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

 While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.  The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.  His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.  No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

 His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.  As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

 The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."






Suggestions For The Boss

From:      Amy

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
   then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
   to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind
   me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
   me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
   open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
   and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever
   be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
   priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
   nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
   could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
   popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
   In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing
   me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
    know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When
    you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
    change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's
    nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story
    about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received
    for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
    have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of
    living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.






Ten More Things Only Women Understand

from AMY

  Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
 
  10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
 
  9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
 
  8. Crying can be fun.
 
  7. FAT CLOTHES.
 
  6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
 
  5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
  peak life experience.
 
  4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
 
  3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
 
  2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
 
  AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
 
  1. OTHER WOMEN!
 
 




TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

      10. Cats' facial expressions.

        9.   The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

        8.   Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

        7.   Fat clothes.

        6.   Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

        5.   The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white and eggshell.

        4.   Cutting your hair to make it grow.

        3.   Eyelash curlers.

        2.   The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

        AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
        1.   OTHER WOMEN





The Cowboy & The Restaurant

from Gail:

An Arizona cowboy, on vacation in Mexico, stopped at a local
restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around. While
sipping his tequila he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the aroma was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served? It looks
and smells delicious!" The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have
excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this
morning...a real delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm
on vacation, might as well try something new. Bring me an order,
por favor!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only
one serving each day because there is only one bullfight each day.
But if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be
sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning the cowboy went to the restaurant and placed
his order. He then returned that evening to be served the one
and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting more closely the contents of his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but
they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."




The Drunks

from:  Gail

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the
time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the
window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping
the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to
you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to
the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the
elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw
that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No,
I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he
is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the
hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the
balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and
hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to
the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole
when you're drunk."






The Frog

THE FROG

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog for $50.00."

"That's a lot for a frog," the woman replied.

"This one is special,"  the clerk said.  "It gives blowjobs."

Since the woman did not relish the act, she thought it might be a great
idea, and bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her
husband, he was extremely skeptical, but said he'd give it a try.   The
woman went to bed happy, knowing she'd never need to perform a less  than
riveting act.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the  noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and  crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading her
cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta
here."





The Funeral

from:  Mary Beth

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,"I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied,"Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."














The Important Things In Life

from:  Wally

Her Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet
at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was
a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much
about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should
go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me
or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back
home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you
know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going
to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on
the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after
about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted
to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know
what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

~*~*~And now, his side of the story:

The Lions lost again. Got laid though.










The Old Men and The Whorehouse


Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided they needed to visit a whore house.

When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and
decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blowup" dolls instead.  She put the dolls in each man's
room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to
talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved,
talked or groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I  think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "When I nibbled on her breast ...she
farted and flew out the window!"





The Sermon

Laughter is good for the soul...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen".

Encouraged, the preacher went on with even greater
Emphasis,  "And if I   had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Again there was a hearty "Amen".

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.

Now the "Amen's" were louder still.

Then the song leader stood very cautiously and
announced with a smile,  "For our closing song, let us
sing  Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."




The Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

From:      Judi

The Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

20.      The cucumber has left the salad.
19.      I can see the gun of Navarone.
18.      Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17.      You've got Windows on your laptop.
16.      Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15.      Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14.      Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13.      You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12.      Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11.      Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10.      Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9.      Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8.      Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7.      The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6.      Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5.      You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4.      Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3.      You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2.      I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..
1.      Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis




Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm!

Things that make you go "Hmmmmm?"

 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

 8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
 there?

 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

 12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

 13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

 14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

 15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
you know the batteries are dead?

 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?




Through The Eyes Of Woman

Through the Eyes Of Woman

   Age 8: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

    Age 15: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping
   Beauty/Cheerleader or if she has PMS:  sees/Pimples/UGLY
  ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")

    Age 20: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too
   tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going out anyway.

    Age 30: Looks at herself and sees:  "too fat/too thin, too short/too
   tall, too straight/too curly" -  but decides she doesn't have time to fix
   it so she's going out anyway.

    Age 40: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too
   tall, too straight/too curly" -  but says, "At least, I'm  clean" and goes
   out anyway.

    Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" - and goes wherever
   she wants to.

    Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't
   even see themselves in the mirror anymore.   ...goes out and conquers the
   world.

    Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability - goes
   out and enjoys life.

    Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to
   participate in the world.

    Age 90: Can't see and doesn't worry about it!