rhymer
Mar 26, 2003, 09:18 AM
Top 50 Oxymorons
Top 50 OXYMORONS
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
1. Microsoft Works
'Twas The Day After Christmas
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the setters continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The dogs were all barking to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Jeffers, now Cherrybrook, now Cabelas and Sears
Here's PetSmart and Ebay and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, on-line mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES
from Nancy
WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: (and quote) Â"How's my driving? Call 1-800-xxxx-.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Weird American History Lesson
Just a weird U.S. history lesson for you
(to add to the conspiracy theories...)
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot in the head on a Friday.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in
1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in
1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker....
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
What Is Midlife?
from Nancy
WHAT IS MIDLIFE?
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer
women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your
rear end without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more
like splat!
Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a
control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the
only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at you
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I
have Stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still
retain is water.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half full. Of course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES
WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES
(Especially true ones are in bold.)
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
Women's Revenge
from: Judi
Women's revenge for all those sexist jokes.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when
they go, they take your house and car.
Words of Wisdom
from: Gail
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
4. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked
down by the traffic from both ways.
5. Words are windows to the heart.
6. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
7. Many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
8. The tongue must be heavy, few people can hold it.
9. To forgive sets the prisoner free, then you will find the prisoner was you.
10. I wonder about people that think God is dead and Elvis is alive!
11. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.
Yooper Humor
Yooper Humor!
A down-stater was sitting at the bar in Republic and asked the bartender if he would like to hear a Finnlander joke. The bartender leaned over and said, "Do you see that guy in the corner? He is the local sheriff, and he is a Finn. The man at end of the bar works for the DNR and he is a Finn. And buddy, I myself am of Finnish descent. Now, are you sure you still want to tell a Finnlander joke?" The down-stater replied, "No, not if I have to explain it three times!"
Lempi took a job with Odovero Construction to paint lines on M28. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". Lempi replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".
Teemu and Eino were driving their pickup truck to Michigammee. When they got to the traffic light in Negaunee, Teemu drove right through the red light. Eino cried, "Holywha, Teemu, what are you doing?" Teemu kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in Ishpeming, Teemu drove through another red light. Eino asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?". Teemu said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in West Ishpeming, Teemu slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at a green light. Eino asked, "Teemu, why do you drive through red lights but stop at green lights?". Teemu replied, "My brother might be coming the other way".
An Italian, a Chippewa Indian and Toivo were hunting together in the Porkies and got lost. After many hours of wandering around trying to find their way back to camp, a genie appeared and said he would grant them each a wish. The Italian answered, "I wish I was back in Kingsford with my family". Poof! He was gone. The Chippewa said,"I wish I was back in Baraga with my tribe". Poof! He was gone. The genie turned to Toivo and asked him what his wish was. Toivo thought about it for a minute and said, "Boy, I really miss those guys, I wish they were back here with me".
Toivo was at the bar in Channing drinking a Stroh's and watch the Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got a pickup like dat too, mister."
Eino & Toivo was chikin (hitch hiking) down da US cement highway when Toivo says to Eino "Eh look a dose two Polacks out dare in dat subble field rowin a boat." Den Eino says "Yah hey is dat dumb or what?" Den Toivo says "Don't chu tink ve auta tell dem day can't row no boat in no stubble field." Den Eino says "Ya eh, but we got no boat to git out dare en tell dem wit."
Two Yoopers brothers were putting siding on their house. The older one started on the east side, the other on the west side. After a while, the older brother walked over to the west side to watch his younger brother, (who was dumb as a house,) and see how his work was going. His younger brother would carefully look at each siding nail, and would throw away about half of them. "Why are ya trowing away all da nails?" asked the old brother. "Because da got da heads on da wrong end!" said the younger brother. "Stupid," said the older brother, "I can use dem on MY side of the house!"
Two Yoopers are roofing a house, when a big wind comes along and blows down their ladder. Well, it gets dark and they still have not figured out a way down, when the first Yooper gets an idea. He says, "Hey. I got this flashlight. I'll shine it on the ground and you can climb down the beam of light, set up the ladder, and then I'll climb down." The second Yooper says, "No way. I'll get half the way down and you'll shut off the light."
Two Yoopers head for the Motor City. When they get across the bridge they see a sign that reads "DETROIT LEFT." So they turn around and go home.
Eino just got married and he and his wife are driving down to Saginaw for their honeymoon. As they are driving, his wife slides over next to him, and he starts rubbing her leg. She says, "Honey, now that we're married you can go a lot further than that!" So Eino drove all the way to Detroit!
This French trapper came through the camp and took a lot of heat from the lumberjacks because he seemed so frail. Considering a pair of lumberjacks weighed about a quarter-ton, he was. He told us about the time he came upon a bear while checking his trap line. "I not scare! Shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand. Then she old bear come chase Jacques! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand. I run fast, she old bear run fast! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand! Bear chase Jacques up tree! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand! She old bear start climb up at Jacques! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand but I so damn mad I crap my pants!"
Anio is a lumberjack, and Toivo, well he sells chain saws. One day, Toivo is in Anio's shop, and he says, "wat da heck is des here chain zaws anyways?" Anio responds, "Wat, u a lumberjack, and u ain't never used no chain zaw?" Toivo - "nope" Anio - "well, ere, take dis one out in da woods wit you tomorrow, and I guarantee u will cut tree times de amount of wood ya usually do." Well, Anio is gone all the next day, and at the end of the day, he comes strolling into Toivo's shop. "Dis ere chain zaw ain't no good! I cut and I cut and I cut, an I only got one tird de amount of wood I usually do!" Toivo says "Dere must be sumptin wrong wit it, ere let me see it" Toivo grabs the chain saw and starts it up "GZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Anio jumps and yells, "Whats dat noise?"
Toivo and Eino left Hubbell one afternoon heading for Shop-ko in Marquette. They got as far as Champion before the car broke down. They worked on the car for a while, but couldn't get it going again, by this time it was pretty late. They walked up the road a bit to the first farmhouse on the left. They asked the woman inside for help, she said she couldn't help them with the car, but they could stay the night and get help in the morning. The next day they got up thanked the woman, got their car fixed, went on to Shop-ko and went home. NINE MONTHS Later...... Toivo goes over to Eino's house....
Toivo: "Eino, do you remember the day we went to Shop-ko and da car broke down?"
Eino: " Ya Toivo, I do."
Toivo: "Eino, do you remember the nice farmer lady dat helped us?"
Eino: "Ya Toivo, I do."
Toivo: "Eino, did you walk in your sleep dat night?"
Eino: " Ya Toivo, I did."
Toivo: "Eino, did you sleep with da farmer lady dat night?"
Eino: " Ya Toivo, I did."
Toivo: "Eino.... did you tell her your name was TOIVO?"
Eino: "uh..... ya Toivo, I did."
Toivo: "Tanks, she died and willed me da farm!"
A few years back, on the opening day of deer season, Eino and Toivo went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Eino and Toivo in the same swamp with guns, Eino accidently shot Toivo. Well, Eino jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, paramedics and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The paramedics work frantically on Toivo while a nervous Eino waits nearby. Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Eino. "I'm sorry," he says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him." "OH NO!" cries Eino. "My best friend! What will I do? I'm so sorry, Toivo! What could I have done to save you?" "Well," said the paramedic, with a look of disgusted anger on his face, "It would've helped if you hadn't gutted him first!"
One day, Toivo and Eino were hunting in the woods. Toivo instructed Eino that if he got lost, to fire 3 shots into the air. Eino agreed and they went on their way. After a few hours, Eino had gotten lost. He aims his weapon into the air, fires 3 shots and prays, "Please God, let Toivo see my arrows."
Eino & Toivo made their living working in the woods. After seeing commercials on tv they decided that the Air Force would be a perfect choice for a new career so they went to the recruiters's office to sign up. A few days later, Eino got a letter in the mail stating that he had been accepted as a pilot and was given instructions on where and when to report. Toivo heard nothing. Toivo was outraged and went back to the recruiter's office to find out why they took Eino and not him. The recruiter explained that they had openings for pilots and Eino said he was an experienced pilot, but they just didn't have any openings for a woodcutter which was the occupation Toivo had stated. "But, " in an exasperated voice, Toivo explained, "if I didn't cut the wood, Eino couldn't pile it (pilot).
An out-of-stater dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. Everything is glorious. There is a music hall with every kind of music, all played with angelic perfection. The dining hall offers food beyond compare. And the residences, St. Peter assures him, are comfortable beyond all imagination. On their way to the residence halls, they turn down a hall where everyone is chained to the wall. St. Peter offers no comment as they continue down the long passageway. After a few minutes the man asks St. Peter. "If this is Heaven and everything is so wonderful why are these people chained up?" St Peter answers, "Oh. Those are the downstate Michiganders, If we don't keep them chained up they try to go to their cabins in the UP on the weekends."
Eino, and Tovio went fishing one sunny bright day and were catching fish like crazy. Eino said, "We better mark this spot so we can come back and catch more fish." Torvo then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large X. Eino asked him what he was doing, and Toivo told him he was marking the spot so they could come back tomorrow to catch more fish. Eino said, " You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?"
-----
Da Yooper Pledge
I _____________________ pledge allegiance to the U.P.
I promise to:
1. Say "eh?" after every sentence.
2. Eat Pasties every Tuesday.
3. Go for a "carride" & pick berries.
4. Eat "kala mojaka", "juustua", and "fiilia".
5. Women: Go shopping during deer season.
Men: Go to deer camp.
6. Take a sauna every Wednesday & Saturday.
------------
Da Creation of Da Upper Peninsula
In the beginning dere was nuttin'.
Den...
On da FIRST day, God created da UP.
On da SECOND day, He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.
On da THIRD day, He said "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula."
On da FOURTH day, God created da udder world down below.
On da FIFTH day, He said "Let dere be trolls to live in da udder world down below."
On da SIXTH day, He created da bridge, so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven.
God saw it was good and on da SEVENTH day, He went huntin'.
-------
OTHER FUN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE U.P.
* One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
* People who have say "I have half a mind to go to the U.P." have all the right equipment.
* Nearly 30% of residents in Schoolcraft County in the U.P. are graduates of the sixth grade.
* If you fly a straight line from Sault Ste. Marie to Ironwood, you'll see a lot of trees.
* Dollar Bay in the U.P. was named after the annual salary in the area.
* The U.P. is the supplier of mosquitos to the free world.
* There are two seasons in the U.P. -- Swat and Shovel.
* People in the U.P. wear boots because they are in style - not because there is snow on the ground.
* Michigan's U.P. was never considered as a site for the state capital; however, it does have a town named Ralph.
And remember... "Say ya to da U.P., 'eh?"
-----
Yooper Residency Application
Yooper Residency Application
So You Want To Be A Yooper, eh?
You Cannot Move In Until You Fill Out A Yooper Residency Application.
We Can`t Be Letting Just Anybody In.
Personal information
Name:[check one]
(_) Toivo
(_) Eino
(_) Sulo
(_) Jalmer
(_) Saima
(_) Hilma
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not Really
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Sorel Size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Logger (_) Mechanic (_) Bartender
(_) Pulp Peeler (_) Snowplow Driver (_) Snow Shoveler
(_) Frog Farmer (_) Manure Spreader (_) Grape Peeler
Family
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Parole Officer
(_) Pet
Pet to Spouse Ratio
(_) 1 to 1
(_) 2 to 1
(_) 3 to 2
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Number that you are unsure of:___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: ________________________ (If not sure, take a guess)
Where did you go on your honeymoon?
___ Hunting Shack
___ Landfill
___ Robbin`s Pond
___ Moved In With Inlaws
Housing
Do you (_)own your hunting shack?
(_)rent
Does your trailer have
___ permanent front steps
___ second trailer connected
___ shed connected
___ snow roof
Colors used in remodeling trailer
___ yooper blue
___ more than one color
___ more than three
Materials used in finishing trailer
___ tarpaper
___ reused planking
___ asbestos shingle[brick pattern]
___ all of these
Do you have a school bus for a camper? yes no
Ice fishing shack kept
(_) at trailer
(_) at lake
(_) at bottom of lake
Vehicles
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of tractors in your yard
___ Number of vehicles you forgot to add antifreeze to
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles that don`t run you are still making payments on.
___ Snowblowers
___ Snowshoes
Does your truck have any of the following?
(_) 4 wheel drive (_) fuzz buster (_) spit cup
(_) mudders (_) FM converter (_) rust spots
(_) tire chains (_) load of wood (_) Packer flag
(_) last years buck (_) expired plates (_) bullets on seat
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No Why not?
Educational and cultural background
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Tula Times
(_) Mad Magazine
(_) Wall Street Journal (Ya Right)
(_) Above The Bridge
(_) Hay Seed Today
___ Number of times you've seen the Yoopers
___ Number of times you've had your car stuck in snow
___ Number of times you've seen yellow snow
___ Number of times you`ve made yellow snow
___ Number of words you have written in yellow snow
___ Number of times you married the same person
___ Number of times you kept the same inlaws when remarried
___ Number of times you had your tongue frozen to a mailbox
How often do you take a sauna
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Biannually
(_)Not Applicable
Color of tooth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)Wood Grain
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer?
(_) Red Man
(_) Old Coffee Grounds
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Bonus Question: Do you know who Heikki Lunta is?
Hint: the Yooper Glossary can be very helpful.
Yoopers Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON - Making da wood stove hotter
LOG OFF - Don't add wood
MONITOR - Keep an eye on da wood stove
MEGAHERTZ - When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK - What you get from piling too much wood
RAM - Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work
DRIVE - Getting home during most of the winter in Yooperland
PROMPT - What you wish da mail was during the snow season
ENTER - Come on in
WINDOWS - What you shut when it gets 10 below
SCREEN - What is a must during black fly season
CHIP - What you munch during Packer games
MICROCHIP - What's left in da bag when da chips are gone
MODEM - What you did to da hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX - Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP- Where da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD - Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find em
SOFTWARE - Them plastic picnic utensils, eh?
MOUSE - What leaves those little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME - Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof
PORT - Where da commercial fishin boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY - Whan you can't remember how much you spent on
da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it
You Know You're Getting Old When...
You know you're getting old when...
- You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up,
you might as well go to bed.
- You start complaining that "They're building car seats too low!"
- Your ears perk up when a laxative commercial comes on TV.
- You call the place you keep leftovers the "icebox."
- You wonder why everyone is starting to mumble.
- You start videotaping daytime game shows.
- When you do the hokey pokey and you "put your left hip out" ... it
stays out.
- One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot-water bottle.
- Your underwear starts creeping up on you ... and you enjoy it.
- You worry because you don't have any symptoms.
- You spend more time on the menu than the waitress.
- Your keyboard cable is still kinky and you're not.
- You feel your corns more than you do your oats.
- Your actions creak louder than your words.
- You know "where it's at", but forgot why it's there.
- You know how to spell gastroenterologist.
- Your biological urges are more like occasional nudges.
- You don't have any enemies because you've outlived them all.
- You don't date women your own age, because there aren't any.
- You have to use tenderizer to eat all your Cream of ____ soups.
- "Happy Hour" now consists of a nap.
- You remember what you did yesterday by what hurts today.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- Bingo is far too exciting.
- Undertakers have your unlisted phone number.
- The Social Security Administration now mails you debit notices.
- Someone just told you that Old MacDonald sold his farm in 1942.
You Know You've Joined A Cheap HMO When...
From: Kelly
YOU KNOW YOU JOINED A CHEAP NEW HMO WHEN...
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is
"An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different
colors with little "M"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO . . .
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.
You Might Be A BlueNeck If...
From: Christine
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are
some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research
at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on
an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Might be a Yooper if...
You Might be a Yooper if...
Your wife's Lady Remington is a 30-06...
Your snowmobile costs more than your kid's college education...
Your wife's night gown says Fred Bear Archery...
A trip to the islands means Mackinac and Bois Blanc...
You're on a first name basis with the clerk at the Michigan State Unemployment Office...
You install your snow tires in early September...
You think working at McDonalds' means making the big bucks...
Your best clothes are reversible; Blaze Orange to Camouflage...
Going south for the winter means going to Escanaba...
You think that Iron Mountain is a prime example of a big city in urban decay...
You think the expression "to open a can of worms" means " to go fishing"...
You think that a Big Mac and a shake refers to the Bridge on a windy day...
People in Wisconsin act superior to you...
Your kid "aced" the 3rd grade...on his 9th try...
A new car means a 1972 AMC Gremlin...
Being a "Red Wing fan" means you like their new line of hiking boots...
You watched the "Ricki Lake Show" because you thought it was a show about fishing...
You answer the question "How many UP'ers does it take to change a light bulb?" with "None, we don't have electricity"...
You consider Velcro to be high tech...
You think that "The Straits of Mackinac" refers to the heterosexual population on the island...
You think that the Mackinac ferry refers to, well, you know...
You view working the drive-through window as an important career advancement...
You only know Ted Nugent for his archery equipment...
You think the phrase "It's all down hill from here" is an advertisement for the local Ski Lodge...
Your telephone number has 3 digits...or less...
You think that a 6 pack of Strohs, a bag of Doritos, salsa and bean dip cover 4 of the 7 basic food groups...
You think your family tree is the one in the backyard with the tire swing...
You saw a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry" and you've been trying ever since...
You think Canadian Club is the hockey team from Wawa, Ontario, EH?...
Your car phone is a rotary model with a loooooong cord...
You didn't go see the movie Malcom X because you missed Malcom I through IX...
You can ice fish 9 months of the year...
You think that poached eggs means they were stolen from your neighbor's chickens...
You think that the Board of Education is the paddle the teacher womps your butt with...
You think the sign in every bar that says NO MINORS SERVED is occupationally biased...
You think the sign saying FINE FOR PARKING means this is a really good spot...
You consider Membership in the Michigan Militia as a viable military career...
Your Jr. High School has a mandatory class titled Chainsaw Operation and Repair...
You know 37 ways to prepare meals from roadkill...
Your idea of deer hunting is driving down the logging roads in your 4 wheel drive WITHOUT your gun...
When sent for a jack, you bring back a fifth of Lynchberg Tennessee's finest...
Your summer shirts are plaid wool (same as your winter shirts)...
Your mosquito repellent doubles as your aftershave...
Your daily log is something you burn for heat...
Your ice fishing shanty is better furnished than your house...
You think ice beer is leaving a 6 pack of Old Style outside overnight...
You think that The Milwaukee Brewers and the Green Bay Packers are labor unions in Wisconsin...
Your favorite bar plays both kinds of music, Country AND Western...
Indoor plumbing is something you want to have someday...
You consider a thunderstorm as a drive thru car wash...
Your wife's new fur coat came from animals you trapped yourself...
You think Barney Rubble deserves an Emmy as Best Supporting Actor...
Your local meat market sells daily roadkill specials...
Nothing in your living room clashes with your stuffed moose head...
Your local bowling alley has 6 lanes so there's no waiting...
People admiring your earthtone carpet suddenly realize it really is the earth...
Your county library has 1 book, "Dick and Jane"...
You still have all your original teeth, you just keep them in a jar on the shelf...
You know 16 ways to cook a raccoon...
Your local record store still has brand new 8 track tapes for sale...
You think a Laundromat is something soft to kneel on when you wash your clothes in the creek...
Your new goose down pillow was migrating south yesterday...
Your local movie theater is offering "Gone With The Wind" as a first run feature presentation...
Your local doctor is also the veterinarian, auto mechanic....and the school bus driver...
All of your available radio stations can be preset on the car radio's 6 buttons---3 times...
You're a witness to a spectacular car crash! Just imagine, what are the odds of both cars in the UP being in the same place at the same time...
Your friends give you a really cool nick name, like "Stinky"...
The term "Up North" refers to land due south of your house...
You fertilize the lawn by letting the cows out of the barn...
You burn your kid's Statistics text book as pornography, after all it had 1 whole chapter on standard deviations. You think that they will learn about leather, whips and sheep soon enough...
You find your car when you cut your grass...
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment....
You have more insurance on your snowmobile than your car...
You refer to winter mittens and hat as "choppers" and a "chook", respectfully...
You think traveling cross-country means traveling from The Soo to Green Bay...
Your favorite band is Da Yoopers...
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof...
Young Mindset
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today,
this will certainly change things. Each year
the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the faculty a
sense of the mindset of that year's incoming
freshmen. Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this
fall across the nation were born in 1982.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of
the Reagan Era and did not know he had
ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian
Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to
them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can
only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke
apart and do not remember the ColdWar.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war.
"The Day After" is a pill to them, not
a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square
means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely
do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been
screw off, but have always been plastic.
They have no idea what a pull-top can looks
like.
12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken
record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man
and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and
the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and
blue ones are not new. What do you mean
there used to be beige ones?
18. They probably have heard of 8 tracks but
chances are they probably never have
actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when
they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always
cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering
machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only
13 channels, nor have they seen a black-
and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they
have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote
control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen
were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller skating has always meant inline
for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with
Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache
jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a
microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play,
and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football
player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about
Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to
them as WWI, WWII, or the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were
ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact
lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he
was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the
beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or
"De plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have
no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we
always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and
Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam
containers.
43. There has always been MTV.