My name is Kaysie Ann Ribaudo. I have spent my whole life confused about everything. People have made fun of me my whole life because of how little I know or understand. When I was a child my father, who my mother devoiced but could never seem to get away from, beat my mother. My father has never helped me in any way. When I was 9 he laughed at how fat I was. When my body started developing he made fun of how much I didn’t have and how much all the older girls had. I have spent my whole life wanting to grow up and get away from the people that I have known my whole life. My mother, grandmother, father, uncles and aunts. I could live without them all it feels. None of them have ever made me feel like more of a person. They have all taunted me or told me what was wrong with me since I could understand words. I decided to start cutting myself when I was 13. I felt like no ones life was worse then mine and I wanted to die everyday.
My father never loved me. The first time I ever smoked a cigarette was with him and the first time I came near pot was with him as well. Most of all, alcohol. My father is an alcoholic and I guess he thought I should have been one too. I would spend the night at his house all of 13 years old and he would get me a beer. Luckily enough for me I hated the taste. I know now I have an addictive behavior. I quit smoking when I was 15 and started back up again at 16 off and on. It all deepened on seeing dad.
My mother was no goddess either. When I was in kindergarten I wrote a wish list to Santa. She has made me regret that letter my whole life. I wished for a new daddy. So she dated the first creep that she found. He scared me everyday. I used to write bad things about him in a diary my mother bought me and never told her anything about him. I didn’t want the new daddy for me. I wanted her to be happy again. She used to cry. It confused me because she would say she was lonely and we needed a new daddy. I never understood why she was lonely I was always there for her. I took care of her when she cried I tried to help as much as a child could. I was never enough it felt. She dated the worst closest guy she could who treated us like crap. It finally got so bad with the man , who my mom decide should live with us, he flipped out and we stayed in a hotel for a day or so.
I went to camp and when I got back he was back too. He had us move out of our house and into a bigger house with him. My friends would never come over, they were afraid of him too. When I was 9 years old on Christmas Eve he finally snapped. He beat up my mother and I was downstairs sleeping waiting for Christmas to come. I woke up hearing screaming and I thought it was their TV. I used to go to my mother when I woke up at night because I would lay with her and sleep. Their room was upstairs and I had never even entered it until that night. I knocked on the door still hearing yelling and my mother jolted out screaming “CALL THE POLICE� I was so scared I had no idea what to do. Ted (the man she was dating and being hit by) pulled her onto the bed and shut the door. I stood there not having an idea in my mind. I ran back downstairs when I finally realized what just happened and picked up the phone. I heard no dial I was almost positive I heard Ted breathing.
I put it down and went into my bed to think of what to do next. I had no ideas. My mother came down to comfort me surprisingly. Ted said, “You know I would never hurt your mother right??� outside my door while my mother told me to go out the back door and get the neighbors phone. When they went back upstairs I noticed Ted’s son Tyler was gone. Ted had his parents come and take him away knowing full and well I was there and my mother was being beaten. There was even a police station near my house but they never called for help. They were going to let my mother be killed by their son.
I went out of the back door as quietly as I could and wasn’t caught. I had to jump the biggest fence running house-to-house riming doorbells for miles with no answer. Until finally a woman named Candy answered her door. She was staying up late wrapping presents when I saw her. I almost didn’t want to bother but I did. She answered the door startled but with a smile until I said “A man is beating up my mother may I use your phone?� She was so scared suddenly we both cried as I told the police what happened. The only problem was I didn’t know my own address so I had the police pick me up and take me to my house so they could find it. I still to this day have never asked about Candy.
As we pulled up to my house Ted and my mom were in the front yard looking for me. The police took Ted away and I watched in horror. My mother was bruised from head to toe. We went into the house to get our things. I was upstairs in the room my mother was almost killed in looking through drawers and listening to her talk to a lady cop. She told the lady “He was going to kill me he said he didn’t know weather to kill me here or take me to a grave yard and kill me.� I’ll never forget hearing those words and I’ll never be able to talk to my mother about any of it. I remember taking my presents and putting them in a laundry basket and going to my grand parents.
My mother would have slept all day but I was too shaken lying next to her trying to sleep. I slept for about an hour and then woke up to look at my presents. I remember getting a skateboard but that’s about it. My mother came close to taking Ted back again. I was so scared that a couple years later my hatred got the best of me and I tried to run away while I was at school with my friend Katie. I would have done it if she had gone with me. This boy named Eric who thought he was gay ratted us out. My mother was so disappointed because I was going to run away to my father she took me to he worst side of town showing me what I was running away too. It was traumatic the way I was treated for being a scared child who didn’t know anything.
I have been traumatized of men my whole life. I used to lie to my little friends telling them I had boyfriends that beat me. I wanted to be like my mother so badly everything that had happened to her I told my friends had happened to me instead. Stupid I know and to this day I haven’t had the guts to tell the truth. I finally was abused in a relationship, my first of course, with a boy named David. Don’t give me too much credit it was nothing like what my mother endured it was more mental but don’t get me wrong. I had bruises for once. I loved it as well. I loved showing my friends how hurt I was I loved the feeling so I stayed with him just to suffer and complain. I had a serious mental problem that I have yet to get any help for. I didn’t stop lying about being beaten until I was 16 and then I was just holding up old lies trying to not look like a fool when I was asked.
I was still dating David when Lying was done as well so yes he really did hurt me. He even locked me in his room with no escape. I hit him to get free more times when he ever hurt me. I have always hit boys. I had a built up rage against them I felt like all of them are the same and that would mean all of them are Ted. I figured I would hurt everyone before I let myself really get hurt. I wanted David to hurt me until the day I grew out of the abuse and realized he was the opposite of everything I ever wanted. I wanted someone smart with a good head on his shoulders. I went through a few guys that I was never really “dating� until I found the right one.
Through the time dating David and not with David I had a best friend names Kristin Wepfer. She was like my God. I would of jumped off a building if she said it would make her feel good. I spent everyday of my life worshiping her until she started dating and slowly treating me more and more like crap everyday. Boys were more important to her then I ever was. She used to say me and the boys were at the same level of “Love� there was no love. Not for me and certainly not for the guys she dated. She was the first to lose her virginity and I hated her for it. I felt like I didn’t even know her anymore It was almost unforgivable for some reason. I went back and forth being her friend off and on loving her and hating her. Until finally she left me drunk at a party to go have sex and I never forgave her again. That was truly IT for me and nothing has been the same since. Today we talk casually she complains about her life and I complain about mine but if I wave to her in front of her new best friend she gets yelled at. She calls me her secrete friend now. Which only proves my theory that she has to be the worst friend in the whole wide world. At lest she’s good with men.
My mother started dating another guy named Larry who was ok. He was a truck driver who kind of scared me because he was another man that could make my mother cry. He kicked us out of the house once and we moved into an apartment. I lied to my friends still but this time telling them Larry pushed me around. I wanted to be hurt by someone so badly I’ll never understand why. So moving away from him was good because no more lying and no more mom complaining. Yet again though she went back to someone she didn’t think treated her right and she’s still with him now. She’ll never get married though. Larry quit being a truck driver and started his own business that does no one any good because it doesn’t pay HIM anything. My mother got a steady job though which keeps food on the table so our style of living has never been that bad.
I used to lie so much about my life. For some reason I wanted it to be so bad just so people would pity me. I knew I could never get pity for the little nothings that have happened to me and the big every thing that seems to have happened to everyone else. I have grown up wishing I was dead so my lies would never follow me and neither would men, including my father. I could never kill myself because I have spent my whole life thinking I was meant to take care of my mother and never leave her alone.
Now instead of death I just want to get far away from my family. I wont say nothing has happened or at lest not more then I have already written. The things I said as a child I regret although I try to spend my whole life never regretting a thing. I find myself now with a great man, decent grades, and not enough money to get into college or at lest not the 4.0.
I’m an average girl in this generation the things that have happened to me are nothing compared the real weirdoes in this world. I will always be average in everything I do although I strive for more. I’m 17 years old and although I have grown up a lot and know plenty I actually know very little and I’m still just a child wishing to run away from my problems.