I’m tired of your excuses. You know what I mean, the way you try tell yourself that none of this is about you.
It’s about you Sarah, all about you. That’s all I know.
The way you're constantly dying your hair black, so you won’t look like your mother. The way you look at the ground when you’re walking through a crowd, just so you won’t have to stop and talk if anyone recognizes you. The way your teeth flash out from under your lips when you smile or laugh.
Strange isn’t it? I've never seen you cry. To be honest, I can't even imagine a face like yours, so beautiful and glowing with happiness, ever being able to express such a terrible emotion as grief, or pain.
Strange- sad even, because it seems to be all that you’re causing me.
You said that you’re already seeing someone… I've been right here the whole time. Why couldn’t your eyes rest on me, just once?
You told me it wouldn’t work, and I'm never gonna be able to forget how you looked when you said it; how you sounded… frustrated… impatient and bored… the way you get with a child who doesn’t understand not to stick it’s hand on the stove, or the fork into the toaster… or the razor into it’s wrists…
I don’t mean to be so incompetent Sarah, please forgive me. I don’t mean to be like this; some stupid drone that can't get it into his thick head not to do the crazy shit that he does.
I don’t mean not to take care of myself.
Just because I treat myself like trash, it doesn’t mean that I can't take care of you… is that why you said you don’t want me? Why you never even wanted to try? Is that why?!
God…
I would never do to someone else what I do to myself…
I couldn’t…
Don’t you trust me?
It would’ve been so good...
We would be so good together Sarah. Not perfect, I know that much, but then, no one is.
It would’ve worked…
Sarah… I wish I could say this to you out loud… not just in my head, while I stare into the mirror…
Do you know what I see?
Do you care?
Probably not… but you don’t have much choice anymore, do you? And besides, I'm not that crazy yet; I'm pretty sure you can't really hear me… pretty sure…
Where was I?
The mirror… I looked into it, trying to figure out why…
Why won’t you like me Sarah?
And I saw it straight away…
God I'm a waste. Pathetic. A joke. I only wanted you to like me!
And now look at me! Who is this person that I've become? WHAT have I become? Surely, this creature staring at me from beyond the glass, surely it can't be me? Where did this new guy come from? What happened to me?
It makes me cry now, thinking about how pathetic I was… how pathetic I am… what the hell was I thinking? Why did I bother you at all? Love? Did I really think I loved you? Did YOU ever love me?
No… Stupid question… but did you really believe I loved you? Did you know how I felt, but were you too disgusted to do anything other than lie?
Sarah, I know you’re not seeing anyone! I know! You didn’t have to lie… you just don’t want to see me…
I’d tried and tried to find it, to find what it is that is in me that everyone else, including you, has already seen in me.
But I couldn’t see anything but the craving. The empty, fathomless desire that wouldn’t leave me alone, ate me up and swallowed everything, made my inside ache.
I could feel it at the bottom of my soul, proceeding upwards every time I so much as looked at you. I wanted it so bad… I wanted YOU Sarah… I wanted your love even though I knew it could kill me.
Maybe that’s why I craved it so bad?
I haven’t got it though; you’ve kept it away from me, and just like putting a child-lock on a bottle of toxic pills… it just makes me want it more.
Its killing me…the desire works just like the pill in question, just like your love. And you know what’s worse? With or without your love, I'm gonna die…
And you don’t even care!
I feel the worst at night. I FEAR the nights… the ones where I lie awake in my bed, scratching at my arms and neck, trying to rid myself of invisible demons, hungry for my soul. Lying there, tempted to rip out my eyes in frustration from the not understanding…
I fear a lot of things at night. Things seem so much less certain then. But nothing’s there at night that isn’t there in the day. And nothing’s there in the day. No one’s there. No demons. No one.
No one is ever there.
But I'm still so scared…
Loving you… All the life in me is being sucked out of me. Replaced with the poison I’ve been filling myself with.
You’re my poison Sarah.
And I love you…
You said you’re seeing someone.
I'm not strong enough to take care of you…
You’re scared I’ll hurt you, just like I hurt myself…
Why can't you trust me Sarah?
Why can't you love me?
I love you, you should love me too!
Sarah… everything is just so empty now. So empty and dead. No matter what I touch it burns and bruises me, and I'm so sick of crying! Nothing could possibly fix me now, I don’t want to be fixed. Nothing can fix this. I can't haul myself out of the mess I’ve dragged myself into.
I've crawled into a cave, blind and in the dark, and now I can't find my way out, and I know I'm gonna rot down here.
See? My mind has gone… so far… so far… and once you’ve reached this far there’s no going back.
I remember the first time I saw you smile... or was it the last?
Your smile radiates such warmth; it all kinda just blends into one big, warm, happy, safe… thing.
I've been saving your smiles Sarah.
Kept them safe in my heart, for when the world grew too cold, and I needed their heat.
Like now… but even a million smiles can't save me now.
I know you’d hate me, if you don’t already that is, if you could see what I've done to myself while I've been rambling on..
See? It’s your name.
Your name, cut deep into my chest, right above my heart.
Sarah… you’ve turned my chest red now… it’s kinda nice to have some colour on me again…
After months of not eating properly, plus my other habits, my once bronze-tanned body is a pasty-grey colour… and I like red… it helps me be happy…
Sarah? Do you understand now?
I can see you smiling at me in the mirror… I knew you were in there somewhere… you understand me don’t you? You understand why I have to die… Why WE have to die…
Sarah… you’re ashamed now aren’t you? Disgusted, appalled, at what you’ve let us become.
Us? Did I say us?
I did, didn’t I…?
Well Sarah, I need to tell you this before I go.
You’re a poison. You, and your love, your acceptance… to me they are both separate.
My desire, when I lay awake screaming at the darkness in my mind, is for both.
You see Sarah, I wanted it, and I wanted you, and I wanted what would kill me.
Both could kill me. Both are killing me…
Sarah, I see you, inside that mirror… can you see me now? Can you see the gun I’m now pointing at your head?
My head…
OUR head…
You’re already seeing someone? Bullshit Sarah! There’s only us here! Only us… You just don’t want to have to look at me…Well you can see me now, cant you?
Are you sorry now? Are you sorry for doing this to me?
Look at me! I know you’re in there! Look at me! Look at what you’ve turned me into!
You’re a poison Sarah. A poison…
And this gun is gonna get you out of my system for once and for all.
You know, we would’ve been good together…
Goodbye Sarah… I never got to say that to you before…
Goodbye… I’m leaving now, leaving so I can be with you…
Goodbye...

I liked this story. I was a little confused in the begingig as to what it was about, I didn't know that it was fomr a guys veiw point who wanted a girl and she obvioulsy didn't want him but I caught on eventually. I think it's good, but it also depends upon what your writing it for. Ya know what I mean? It's a good story, I liked the simplicity of it, the I need you, I can't have you, I will have you no matter what. I liked it, but mayb with a little more to it, like at the begining to explain, and idk.. Just a thought, maybe adding a little more. Um, it read kind of like a poem, smooth .