So it's bascially a story of my life, only I have the "whole" thing somewhere else, and I can not get it, for a long while. So please read wat's here, and tell me what ya think... Please...




Have you ever woke up in the morning and felt entirely numb to, everything? Curled up in bed and thought, damn, just another day, go to school, talk with my “friends”, then go home, and deal with the bull shit. I roll myself out of bed at 6 o’clock every morning, my mood as bleak as the dark clouds that sprinkle the sky. Drops of rain fall down and hit the grassy, rock-filled ground people call a yard as I look in the mirror at my frizzy brown, blonde, and black hair, my sleepy eyes slowly take in the world around them, again. Just like they do every morning. I take my time putting on make-up, knowing it won’t cover up the flaws that I have. First lotion, second cover-up, and now eye-make-up; my favorite part. First, I line the top lid with white eyeliner, and then the outside corner is covered with black liner, and underneath my eye is lined with black too. Double up on the mascara, it accentuates my blue eyes, makes then stand out, like fish bowls. Bright, glassy when I take pills to feel numb and happy, shining through the midst of black make –up. The only truthful thing about me. They say eyes are the windows to the soul, and if that’s true, my windows reveal nothing, they just be shut, nailed shut. As usual, I have to hurry to catch the bus, because as usual, I have spent to long trying to perfect the flaws that are impossible to get rid of. As I stare out the window and feel the bus move underneath me, I notice the rain has stopped. All that’s left are a few droplets of rain falling off the tops of buildings, and the ground thoroughly soaked with the aftermath of snow and rain. Thoughts are whirling around in my head, all dark and dim, but as I slouch in my seat, pretending to sleep, my face just looks serene. God, why can’t you just kill me?! Silently runs through my mind. How hard would it be for God to strike me dead with lightening, or send some crazy psycho with bloodshot eyes, and unkempt hair to kill me? I mean seriously, when you think about it, God, being God, would only have to speak the words “Roze die” and no matter what, suspicious circumstances or not, I’d keel over dead. “Roze, get the F**K up you idiot” snaps me out of my thoughts and I climb out of the seat. With my luck, it’ll start the rain as soon as I step off the bus. And guess what, it does. As I trudge along, pushing through the slush and sleet, I am completely aware of everyone around me, talking shit, since that the only thing to do around here, besides getting stoned or drunk. When I open the door, somebody, I can’t tell who, runs into me. “Watch it, you stupid queer boy!” I scream. This really isn’t an insult in my book because one of my best friends happens to be gay. As I step inside I feel the warm air surround me, warm compared to outside anyway, since the school “officials” don’t keep the heater running because we can’t afford to heat our “big” school. Sink down the wall, which moves when you lean on it, next to the soda machines, breath in, now out. Relax. “Hey Roze” Comes at me from all different angles. Smile Roze, pretend you care! Automatically the corners of my mouth upturn into a smile, sort of. “Hey Roze” Brittany, with her long, newly dyed black hair and tall lean figure walk over to me. “Hey Brittany, guess what I did yesterday?” I ask with a smirk on my face, knowing how stupid it is. With an over exaggerated sigh” What did you do Roze” comes flying out of my friend’s mouth. Sitting there, nodding my head, feeling pretty stupid I answer. “I ran into the bathroom door-” “WAIT, the school bathroom?” “Yes?” “Okay, go on.” “So, I ran into, well not really ran just sort of walked into, the bathroom door, and I got a bloody nose, for over an hour.” Brittany just about busts a gut laughing, like tears are streaming down her face and in her effort to wipe the away she smears mascara all over her cheeks and I didn’t think it was that funny. I sit there with a slow smile beginning to spread across my face, “God, you make me feel so stupid!” I roll my eyes and look away, trying to find something else to focus on. “Oh look Brittany, there’s the bell.” I slide back up the wall, which moves when you lean on it, and begin to walk down the hall towards my locker. A million emotions are running through my mind but nothing strong enough to transfer over to my face. I stop to go to the bathroom, since I’m going to be lat anyway, and once inside I set my books down and step into the stall. Its ok Roze, you’re going to have a good day, except for that test in first hour you’re going to bomb, and –ring- “damnit! I’m late, oh well I guess.” I walk into the classroom and all the heads sort of swivel towards me, like I’m some homing device, and they’re the computer in attached to, might as well get a neon sign that says ‘look at me everybody, I’m late’ “Hey Roze” It’s Brandy, all five feet of her. She has her nose pierced, just like me, and she has longish brown hair that is really straight. “Oh hey Brandy, what’s going on?!” I ask with a smile. I’m getting good at pretending. “Nothing much Roze, how bout you?” Brandy answered with a question. Suddenly the speakers cackled to life thank god I didn’t have to answer. “Please stand for the pledge of allegiance.” All around me I heard the rustling of papers and books as people stand up, then; “I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the…” by now I’ve tuned out. I don’t usually say it, because I believe it’s overused. It’s, in my mind, something more scared, like ‘I love you’ that shouldn’t be said everyday, it loses the feeling that way. I say it every Friday, once a week. “Hey…Roze?” I look up startled. “Yes?” I look around and notice everyone is sitting down, “Oh,” I say, “Thank-you” so I settle down into my seat, and start to pay attention. “Roze?” Mr. Almquist says as he holds up the test I know I’m going to fail. “You can sit behind Kelly.” He says as I slowly walk up the aisle, preparing myself for the big, fat, F that’s going to end up on the top of my test tomorrow. “Hey Kelly” I whisper, “Some of this stuff was questions at knowledge bowl” Guess she didn’t hear me… I struggle through the questions, trying to bull-shit my way to a –C-. Get up, hand him my test, knowing full-well I’ve fucked up again. Sitting there, drawing because I can’t pay attention unless I’m doing something else at the same time, I hear the bell ring, a signal that class is over. I don’t know if I should go to my fricken locker, or not, there’s people I don’t want to see, but today’s okay so—oh, past the door, guess I’m going to my locker. Weave my way through the crowded halls, only to get ran into, again, thinking, and God damnit! Why can’t I just pay attention and remember where the STUPID door is? “Do you need to get into your locker Roze?” I smile and nod my head thinking, well no shit! I’m just standing, holding my books, looking stupid for no reason! “Yes Carrie, I do.” I grit my teeth, don’t freak out Roze! “Hey Roze!” Chad says in his stupid head voice, which of course is faked. There are no words to describe Chad, only feelings. He’s a funny guy, probably the funniest guy you will ever meet. He has reddish brown hair that is dyed blonde on top and brown eyes. He always has a joke ready, just waiting to make someone smile. “Hey Chad” I say back in that same stupid head voice. I grab my lunch, because it’s early, and I’m hungry. I don’t need to hurry because even If I’m late, Mr. Nelson won’t mark me tardy, he’s like that. It’s not like I care anyway right? God, walking into this class is so emotional, especially when you’re late, because of the people. Like this one girl Ronda, told me to go kill myself, because no-one would care, which, when you think about it, is hardly a best friend statement at all, considering… “Hey Roze!” Robbie yells. Least I know I have one friend for sure. Robbie, with his blue and white stripped shirt, blue jeans, and brown bouncy hair, walks towards me. He kind of reminds me of a little kid, full of happiness, naive. “Hey Robbie!” I yell back. “You get me a chair and I’ll grab the stand ok?” Instead of answering he walks over and grabs me a chair. As he’s setting my chair down he says “Roze, I’m tired of waiting! Lets sing!” since I have choir second hour, which is this hour, I say “Ok Robbie, what do you want to sing?” He pulls Grease out of our folder, it happens to be the Broadway production of Grease so it has a lot of extra songs, and we start to sing. “Ok, quiet everybody, stand, hum it” Mr. Nelson says. We warm up to amazing grace, just about everyday. After that we take our time going though the little mermaid. Some people really need to work on this song. Class is about half over now. As I’m trying to sing, I get all self-conscious, I know that’s not a good thing for an actor\singer, but I can’t help it. It’s a trait that was instilled at an early age. I try to sing quiet, but then Mr. Nelson says “sing out!” So I have to. All the while thinking, No Roze, you’re singing to loud, maybe you do suck, but people just want to be nice, shit that was the wrong note, oh damnit, I did it again, just shut up! So I do. Just shut my mouth, then open it, and mouth the words. “Roze! Sing!” Robbie says as he nudges me with his elbow. “Shh Robbie!” I whisper back, “I don’t want to!” Robbie sits there with a pouty look on his face, but decides he would rather sing. “Get out Grease” Mr. Nelson says. “Woo hoo!” Comes from over in Robbie’s direction. I force a smile through clenched teeth, and relax. I like this song. As soon as we start to sing it, my mind wanders off, and I start to think, God, my mom trusts you with everything, she trusts that when it’s her “time” to get a job, she will, only we’ve been living with my grandparents for over nine years, and what about her car? Boy, you really helped with that didn’t you? Let it blow up, so we have no money, no car, and eventually, since she doesn’t have a job, no food. You’re doing a great job here God and what about last month? Did you help me when- “Roze?” I look up startled. “Do you want to sing the solo part here?” Mr. Nelson asked. “Um, sure” Why did my voice sound so shaky? Stop shaking! I ordered. “Sure” he’ll forget he asked my tomorrow. “When?” “Well, Roze, right now.” My face turned red with embarrassment, not from what he said, but from what everyone is thinking. God I should be used to this by now, she-it. I know people think I’m stupid, a dumb blonde, duh Roze, remember? “… Summer lovin’ had me a blast… met a boy, cute as can be” I sing “summer days driftin’ away, to uh oh those summer nights” I let myself daze off, singing when I’m supposed to , and finally the bell rings, only I don’t get to leave because I have this class next period, for drama. That’s where the acting part comes in. “Roze you did a good job today” Mr. Nelson says. I look down and mumble “thanks” as he’s walking away. He wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it, so why do I feel like he’s lying? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everyone hates me, I’m just saying I'm real self-conscious, almost paranoid I guess. “Ow!” someone punches my shoulder and I look over just in time to see a blonde head duck behind the desk. “Shh! We’re hiding from Mr. Nelson! Don’t tell him we’re in here” Kendra says as her and Cory duck down. I say “whatever” roll my eyes, and walk away. “Dipshits” I mutter under my breathe. “Has anyone seen Kendra and Cory today?” Mr. Nelson yells. They come running in breathless I’m so sure “Sorry, we were at my l locker” Yells Cory as he sits down on the floor. “Hey Roze, how are you doing?” “Good!” I force another smile. “No, Roze, seriously how are you doing?” Cory asks again. “Oh well ya know, same shit different day. Pretty much used to it by now” I answer with a genuine smile. Drama’s pretty fun; at least I know I can act pretty well. “Today we’re going to read from Oz!” Mr. Nelson states with a toothy smile. Like everyone wants to read it. So as we spend the entire drama hour reading little exerts from “Wizard of Oz” Wow, we are gonna suck! Floats through my mind. “So Kendra,” I ask, “What are you doing today after school?” “Uh, I have practice why?” “Oh ya know, I was just wondering… Hey Kendra?” She turned to look at me. “When I’m 18 we’re going to go to Chippendales ok?” “Sure… is that a restaurant or something?” A smile spreads across my face, a real one, and then I burst out laughing. “Oh god Kendra, your delusions are so funny! No! Well, sort of, it’s a strip joint Kendra, for girls, with guys stripping?” Kendra’s face turns red as she answers my sarcasm. “I knew that Roze, I was just kidding.” “Ya Kendra, I’m so sure” With that the bell rings so I push myself off the floor, climb to my feet, and begin walking through the door. Ok psychology’s next, just gonna grab my shit, and walk to class then I’m just- I feel pressure on my shoulder, “Yo Roze” I look up, Tony. Brown hair dyed blonde, blue eyes and braces. “What?” I ask, sort of irritated because I hate to be interrupted. “We found a note about you” Instantly my minds races what note? Did I write a note? Oh shit! Not the one- “What note?” I ask frantically. Oh God, please no! “Oh I dunno, just some note you gave to Jacek.” Shit. “Ya we found it in the gym. Ha-ha, ya Zak picked it up and read it. Something about you being in the hospital?” oh F**K, I am so fucked. My face went pale. “Hey Roze, you ok?” “Get away from me” I say through clenched teeth. “What?” He asks; confused by my anger I guess. “Get the F**K away from me! Leave the alone damnit!” I push his arms away from me and fight to get away from him, to get anywhere. “F**K!” I yell as I enter the bathroom. It scares some people that are in there. “I, he, no” I struggle to explain “I, sorry, he” I wasn’t making any sense “Oh to hell with it!” I mumbled, pissed off at anything and everything. I make it to the bathroom stall just in time for the tears to start falling down my face, leaving little wet droplets on my sweat shirt and mascara stains down my cheeks. “God how could I be so F**KING stupid!? I know better, I do, I know I do.” I screamed to myself as I stared around at the tiny green bathroom stall that has writing all over the walls. -ring- Late again… “Damn, our school can’t even afford to cover the F**KING writing all over the walls. It’s depressing.” I giggled. Looking back, I think maybe I was going crazy. I tried to pull myself together long enough to walk to class and sit through it, knowing I would only have to enter another class, and then another, and yet one more class before the day would be over. I come out from the bathroom stall only to see some little junior high kid staring at me, like I wasn’t embarrassed enough. “What the F**K are you looking at?” The kid scrambled off somewhere, to class I suppose. The tears were still falling from my face as I tried to leave the bathroom, I just wasn’t ready. “Damnit!” I shrieked as my fist flew out in the direction of the cement wall. “Ow, shit, god not again…” My knuckles started turning red, bruising, and the skin around my ring finger knuckle had been scraped off and a little bit of blood was escaping the skin. Not enough, I can’t go to class yet. I walk towards the bathroom stall again, and pull out my pencil. “God, I know I shouldn’t be doing this! I just, I can’t help it. Shit.” I whimpered to myself as I dragged the pencil across my arm, the eraser; after awhile it burns the skin clean through. Little pieces of skin start to break and some get stuck to the pencil and a little blood comes out, but not enough. “Oh god” I say as I start to feel a little better. Mikki Montez is a whore, people need to die, I’m different but I feel the same as you. I read the wall while I scrape across my arm, to block everything out. Little pinpricks of blood start to form at the surface. “That looks so cool” I whispered to myself. I grab a piece of toilet paper, cover my arm, and walk out the door. I grab my books and walk up the hall, discarding the toilet paper in the garbage can as I pass, and prepare myself for walking into this class. Jeez, these people are friends with Jacek, what if he told them? Oh god I hate that stupid basterd! “Do you have a pass Roze?” “No, sorry” I rally up a smile and slide into my seat. I’m all right. Oh my god, I know everybody is staring at me, it’s not worth it, why couldn’t I have just finished it then?! It’s not a big deal Roze; I mean people do it all the time… “Do you wanna be in my group Roze?” Brandy asked. “Uh, sure, why not?” I force a smile to cross my lips and then look down at my desk. I feel everyone starring at me, even thought I know they probably aren’t. Just let this class end fast please! “Can I sit in the hall please?” I asked “Please? I really can’t be in here right now” She nods so I escape out the door in time to see him going down the hall. God that stupid rat faced basterd, how could he just leave a note like that lying around? I know he did it on purpose. God you can’t forget something- “Hey Roze, what’s going on?” Brittany asks as she walks over to where I’m sitting and slides down the wall. “You know how Jacek knew about… me, and how he told Josh, and how I didn’t know who he told and I was curious?” Brittany nodded so I continued, I needed to vent. “Well I wrote him a note right?” “I don’t know Roze, you’re just now telling me, remember?” That brings a smile to my lips and I start to talk again. “Well I did, I wanted to find out if he told anyone, you know, see if he thought it was “funny”. Well he left it in the gym. It’s not like he could have dropped it by accident I mean holy shit its kind of a serious thing and you don’t just fuckin forget about some note talking about how a person tried to fuckin kill herself!” I flew off the handle and started yelling, it wasn’t her fault, I didn’t’ even know what I was doing. “I mean shit! Why wouldn’t he just keep it?! It’s not like I was asking much! I just wanted to know if he had told anyone else and that I would understand if he did because sure it’s a pretty big story, I can see the god damn headlines now. Girl tries to commit suicide, attention seeker? Take a guess. F**K! Why couldn’t he just keep it to himself Damnit?” I try to contain myself but I can’t so I get up from the dirty floor and head to the junior high bathroom. Brittany walks into the bathroom after me. “Roze, are you ok?” “Yeah, I’m great, just fuckin preachy, can’t you tell?” I know I’m taking it out on her but I just can’t stop. “Just leave me alone please?” She walks away and I slither down the bathroom wall, wrap my arms around my legs, put my head into my knees, and start to cry. Big, loud, sobbing. I could feel the pain in my body getting stronger. Why in the F**K would he do this? It’s not a big deal Roze. People know! Oh God, people know… I felt schizophrenic, battling with myself, trying to convince myself it wasn’t a major concern, but arguing with myself none-the-less. “It’s not even worth it” I mutter while I search through my binder for something, anything sharp enough to break the skin. “I know I have something in here” YES! A tack, not bad. I can do this. I should be strong enough not to have to do this. Isn’t that what you said daddy dear? Ha-ha, but you don’t know shit! The tack is little, but has a sharp point and I know it’ll work for what I need. I yank the tack across my open arm, the inside, top, the side; it doesn’t really matter, so long as the pain is there. It’s so much easier to concentrate on this I think. No need to freak out just- “Ow! Yes…” I look up towards the ceiling. “Thank you” Blood starts to pour out of my arm, not a lot, but enough. It’s the pain I like anyway.–ring- junior high bell… “F**K… I’m just leaving” I get up from the stained floor, rinse the blood off my arm, and continue down the hall. “Screw that stupid class, I don’t need this shit” I silently decide. I stop at my locker and contemplate going to class. I choose to take my mind off things, after all, why affect the grades right? God I roll my eyes I’m gonna fail anyways, what’s the point? I step outside and the cool air swirls around my white legs and blows through my shoulder-length hair. “Ahh, that feels good.” I say out loud. “Jeez Roze, how many earrings do ya got?” Mr. Garred asks. “Six” I answer. “Six on each side and my nose ring.” smile Roze. “Why do you get so many” because I like the pain. “Something to do” I walk inside and sit down, damn when is this day gonna end. “Hey Roze” Tommy exclaims. Tommy is my brother. He has reddish hair, only he dyes it blonde because “red isn’t his thing” He has blue eyes, almost identical to mine, only darker, and not as shiny. We look alike when you see a picture of Terry, our dad. He has a lean but muscular build and he’s pale, white. So white that his ex-girlfriend used to call him flashlight. My skin is almost as light as his, but not quite. Translucent. We’re as different as night and day in that regard. He likes sports and can’t act or sing worth shit. I can’t do sports. He’s exactly two years younger than me. No seriously, exactly, give or take a few hours. We were born on the same day. Two years apart, of course. I guess that must be what makes us so “close” huh? “Hey Tommy, what’s going on?” I ask; I actually care. We bull shit for a few minutes but class has to start. I hate being in here. I feel like everyone is staring at me, and no one even wants me in here. At least that’s what it feels like; I mean how am I supposed to feel? I’m the only fuckin girl in this class. It’s enough to make me want to puke. “Roze, did you get your homework done?” Mr. Garred asks. Ok look, it’s called homework for a goddamn reason. “Sure did” I answer with an obligatory smile. Don’t need to deal with this bull shit today. “Well can I see it?” God this is getting annoying. “Uh, I turned it in already?” I try. He sort of glares at me, his eyes get all narrow and his face gets stony but I smile, shrug, look up at him threw my bangs an he eventually walks off. Bout fuckin time.-ring- senior bell. “Hey Mr. Garred, can we go to lunch early today?” Tommy inquired. Mr. Garred nods his head so everybody takes off running for the door, shoving anyone who’s in the way, except for me and Tommy. “Jacek’s mad at you.” Tommy casually states. “What?” I ask incredulously. “He’s mad at me?!” “Yeah… he says that you accused him of telling a bunch of people about you being in the hospital” I look down at the cement ground piece of gum, gum wrapper, bird crap, grass, wa –“Roze?” I look up. “I said, are you ok?” I muster up a cynical smile “Sure” we step inside the school door, he goes right, to the lunch room, and I go left, to my locker. As I’m bending down to stick my books into my locker a wave of emotions threaten to take over and flashbacks begin to flood my mind. A hospital bed, a huge plastic tube straining to come up my throat, the snot spilling out of my nose. “Son of a b*tch” I mumble as I hurry to the bathroom, “I’m gonna be sick.” Just as my mind floods with the image of all the vomit pouring over the front of my hospital gown I feel bile rise up in my throat, drop to my knees, and bend over the porcelain bowl as it trickles out of my mouth. My eyes begin to sting as I feel tears coming on, so I close my eyes and the tears spill out from underneath my lashes. Pathetically I keep trying to convince my self it’s not a big deal. “It’s not a big deal Roze; people try to kill themselves all the time. Society just doesn’t like it and so they say these people are crazy and it’s just stupid! I’m not crazy, no matter what that stupid b*tch says. She doesn’t know me, she will never know me.” I silently say to myself. I sit back on my butt, put my arms around my knees, and start to tremble. Just wait until you get home, then you can take care of everything, seriously take care of everything. –ring- Lunch is over; I stand up on shaky feet and slowly walk out the bathroom door. “Hey Roze what’s wrong?” I don’t need to dignify that question with a response; I don’t even know who said it. Grab your shit, walk to class, do the work, go home. Grab your shit, walk to class, do the work. Go home. Oh god I don’t wanna go home! I have this class with my brother too, ninth grade science. I’m in eleventh grade and I’m taking ninth grade science, why? I didn’t take it in ninth grade. My mind kind of wanders off during this class, it’s sort of boring, science ya know, and so before I know it, the bell rings. Yes! Only one more class to go, and I’ll be done, I’ll be at home, I’ll “settle my soul.” Ha-ha that’s a good one; I’ll have to use that. “Today we’re going to be reading to ourselves The Things They Carried” Mrs. Burke states out loud. “Oh yay, I’m so thrilled.” I say sarcastically. “What Roze?” She asks. “Nothing,” Smile “I was just talking to myself.” “Well, stop it” She answers with a smile. I smile back, a real smile, sort of, and start to read my book. I get absorbed in my book, even though it’s sort of boring, and before I know it, the bell rings. “Turn in your books before you leave, I don’t want you to take them home.” Mrs. Burkes states as we are walking to the door. Oh man, I have to ride the bus home damnit! I kick the soda bottle, Pepsi, that someone threw at me and start to walk towards the door that leads outside. “Pick that up Roze” “Excuse me?” I look up to see Mrs. Hornby staring at me from the doorway, a stern look set on her face. “Pick that up” Too bad I’m in a bad mood today “I didn’t fuckin put it there, I ain’t picking it up!” “Roze, pick up the bottle now!” She says back in her strict yet soft voice. “F**K you leave me the hell alone” I shout as I’m starting to walk away. “Roze! Roze you get back here and pick this up! ROZE!” She yells to me as I stick my hand in the air, flip the middle finger up into an authoritarian salute, and walk out the door to go to the bus. Good lord I say to myself I am getting so stupid, she is gonna give me a detention. Oh who the F**K cares anyway.