Dial 1-Conspiracy for the answers to all of your problems.

(Lines from the spokesperson's script for a fifteen second commercial.)

by Warren R. Bonesteel

June 10th, 2006


When you just can't face reality for one more minute, (because you might be wrong about everything that you've ever known, said, or done in life) I want you to understand that there is a solution. We have a product that is designed to solve all of your personal dilemmas.

It is called "Conspiracy Theory." It's a mind-numbing composition of facts, lies, history and fantasy that is sure to resolve that internal conflict that has haunted you all of your life.

This composition of propaganda, lies and mis-statements is guaranteed to give you any excuse that you need in order to blame all of the world's problems on anyone and on anything - without being forced to take personal responsibility for your own life and your own words and deeds. I personally guarantee it.

You will never again need to "fess up" for the destruction that you have caused in your own life - as well as in the lives of others - by your own words and deeds. Relief is finally at hand.

Call today! The first consultation is free to new members! We have numerous operators and counselors anxiously waiting to help indoctr...I mean...counsel you in your time of need. Please. Call now. You'll never have to hear from your conscience again. That's my personal guarantee.

Please call. This is the chance that you've been waiting for all of your life.

Just pick up the phone and dial: 1 - hate my life. Just dial: 1 - hate my life.

If that is too complicated for you, we do have another line available. Just dial: 1-Conspiracy. That's it! It's so simple that a child can do it! Just dial: 1-Conspiracy. Please. Pick up the phone and call now.

From the Bilderbergers to The Grassy Knoll. From 9-11 to OKC. We have a conspiracy theory that is right for you, no matter your political ideology or religious beliefs.

Please, call. You'll be glad that you did. Relief for all of your suffering is finally at hand.


(DISCLAIMER: This is not a real offer for help or assistance. If you truly need assistance, please contact your local mental health professional. This is a social and political satire and this disclaimer is only here in order to keep many of you poor souls [who are so desperate for help that you will believe anything and everything that you hear or read] from calling the fake phone numbers above. This satire is only meant as a joke. It is called humor. If you think that I've been satirizing you personally, you should immediately contact your local doctor, mental health professional and social worker. From time to time, please be advised that you should leave "Conspiracy Theory" alone and get a grip on reality. Get a life. Have a few laughs. Drink a cold beer. Get down on the floor and play with the kids or grandkids. Relax and enjoy yourself once in awhile.)