It was late one March night; I was off telling jokes,
Back in Rhode Island (I was visiting my folks),
When my phone starting ringing and the laughter grew louder,
My sis’ spit out her drink, my bro’ choked on his chowder,
All because of that ring… “Sex and the City’s” jingle,
I scowled, walked away, left my family to mingle.
I stepped out the front door, left the loud noise behind me,
It was cold as the Dickens, one breath did remind me,
I flipped my phone open, said, “Top of the evening.”
As my gal broke the news I was hardly believing…
“It’s coming!” she shouted. “It’s here!” she was screaming,
“It’s yellow and long and it’s fast and it’s gleaming!”
So now I had visions, but still stood confused,
“A banana on wheels?” left her less than amused,
So that’s when she told me our prayers and hopes,
‘Bout the show we watched nightly like a couple of dopes,
Could come to fruition in Palm Springs (well, just west),
She asked, “Can you make it?” I said I’d try my best.
“The Wheelmobile’s coming!” I burst through the doorway,
I repeated this in Norwegian (had some friends there from Norway),
“It’s puzzles and prizes, it’s voice-over Charlie,”
“It’s incorrect guesses and Pat saying, ‘Sorry.’”
“It’s Bankrupts and Free-Spins and trips? Trips aplenty…”
And although they choose few from the wanna-be many,
My family and friends got the same sense that I did,
I’d made up my mind in the blink of an eyelid.
Fast-forward a little; I hopped in my rental,
On the way to the airport I called Continental,
I couldn’t stop thinking; I felt I would go nuts,
(I also felt hungry and stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts),
What if I was chosen, would I win some dinero?
Would I leave a contestant and return a hero?
These thoughts and more crossed my mind as we rose,
‘Til the houses below looked no bigger than toes.
We touched down in sunny-and-warm San Diego,
Three thousand miles closer to this dream Winnebago,
My gal picked me up; I went home, took a shower,
I admit it, I’m metro, it took me an hour…
Next came the freeway, the traffic was spotty,
I think Brad Pitt passed me, does he drive an Audi?
My gal mocked my driving; I did not want to hear it,
So I cranked up some Coldplay, which lifted my spirit,
The remaining commute remains merely a blur,
My gal told some stories, I listened to her,
But with each passing mile, I grew more and more worried,
What if I was hassled, or frazzled, or hurried?
Wishing I had some Jack to throw back, or a Pinot,
Wouldn’t do me much good… we had reached the casino.
As we stepped through the doors it was instantly clear,
That the odds were against me, but we didn’t care,
I grabbed me an app and my gal said, “Be candid.”
Some cool guy gave out hats, “No one leaves empty handed!”
I wrote out my app slowly while most scribbled quickly,
I had sweat on my brow and my skin got all prickly,
But my gal calmed me down with her calm-me-down smile,
As I stared at the bin which would spin in awhile.
I remember the moment, I’m sure I will forever,
They called names like “Melinda” and “Wanda” and “Trevor,”
My psyche was stirred, my confidence shaken,
Dashed were the hopes of the dough I could rake in,
But then, up above, a voice from a loudspeaker,
Rendered my stomach weak and my legs even weaker,
Her words hit me just like a bowling ball rollin’,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the Wheelmobile’s been stolen!”
Mayhem and chaos and utter confusion,
Was this a bad dream or a scheme or illusion?
I looked at my gal and my gal’s look of wonder,
My heart started pounding like a thunderhead’s thunder,
“I’m sorry,” she started, “Perhaps the Apprentice…”
But I grabbed her hand and I cut off her sentence,
And as she looked at me, she saw my wheel spinning,
My smile began smiling, her grin began grinning,
And without one word, we flew down the staircase,
Bumped some mid-40’s guy, knocked off his hairpiece,
And left to the sound of, “Hey buddy, you mind?!”
As we ran to the car… a Winnebago to find.
We chose to head east, just a premonition,
I grabbed hold of the stick shift, fired the ignition,
And pulled onto I-10 in search of the thief,
Who had stolen the Winnie and caused us such grief,
Miles passed quickly, the speedo read “ninety,”
Nothing but pavement and desert behind me,
I was one with my auto, determined to find it,
Hyundai didn’t have this in mind when they designed it,
But as luck would have it, our luck took vacation,
And our silence grew louder than a radio station,
I started to slow, to give up, thought, “So be it…”
When suddenly my gal blurted, “Honey, I see it!”
It was thirty feet long and a frog couldn’t leap it,
(I don’t know what that means, but it rhymes, so I’ll keep it!)
Its exhaust shot out fumes and the smog was appalling,
It was thirty feet long, but this Winnie was hauling!
But be that as it may, be that as it might,
It was my destiny, and for that I would fight,
After all, “Never give up” is my mantra,
Spirits lifted, I downshifted, and gunned the Elantra…
Sometimes when I look back at the money I won,
The twenty-two minutes of unbridled fun,
Balloons pouring down and “One hundred grand!” flashing,
The hugs I gave family as my family came dashing,
I think, “It was worth it, that day in Palm Springs,”
But despite how much joy that memory brings,
There comes along with it that feeling of spite,
Should I do something ‘bout it? I think I just might,
Of course, you’re all lost now to what I’m referring,
So let’s get back to the story as it was occurring…
When last we left off we were hot on the Winnie,
An overblown shot of Vanna and still she looks skinny!
Enough wasting time though, ogling and admiring,
I must face this loose cannon and his loose cannon wiring,
He took up the right lane and half of the other,
Still I pulled alongside him (please don’t tell my mother!),
Just inches away from his window, we were,
When my gal looked right at me and I looked at her,
And that moment of truth came, time for real hero status,
We stared up at the window… and Brad Pitt stared back at us!
I expected a look from my gal, never got one,
“My goodness,” she started, “He sure is a hot one!”
“A hot one?!” I shot back, “He’s merely a thief,”
“Those eyes,” she replied, “That hair and those teeth.”
Not the end of the world, so my gal had a crush,
When she rolled down her window and said with a rush,
“We’ll make you a deal; just pull off to the side!”
My eyes welled with tears and my heart filled with pride,
For I knew what was coming, I knew he would stop,
And I’d keep him restrained while my gal called a cop,
Yes, my gal was a keeper… a thinker indeed,
What more could I want? What more could I need?
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So my gal fell in love with Brad Pitt, who’d have guessed?
With his stupid Brad arms and his stupid Brad chest,
I watched them embrace; they completely ignored me,
To be brutally honest though, the whole ordeal bored me,
I knew all along I could always depend,
On my favorite host and his favorite friend,
We stood there, together… well, they were just paint,
I looked at Pat’s smile; Pat looked like a Saint,
And Vanna looked at me like, “You’ll get him one day,”
As Brad Pitt and my gal took off in my Hyundai.
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