People say you should fight fire with fire but I'd rather call 911.

I think sex with my girlfriend is getting in the way of my masturbation.

I think "argh!" is the only letter pirates know in the alphabet.

How exactly does an african-american person say he/she is the blacksheep of the family?

I think Dr.Baker should stick to pastry.

I think clocks masturbate when nobody's looking.

Playboy or hustler is not a good choice for a book report.

When I was little my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.I said "when I grow up I want to be at least 5'8".

I wish my pillow was made of marshmallows so I wouldn't have to get up for a midnight snack.

I think the safest place for your wallet when you're at a concert is at home.

If bubbles had voices they'd yell "ouch!" when they pop.

I think lying is wrong but it's extremely relaxing.

I think people kick other people because they can't afford a ball.

If punches hurt, then drinking a lot at a party could kill you.

I think fire and water will not make a good soap opera couple.

I think people with big eyes should share some with the blind.

If "A" was a number and "3" was a letter, that would be weird.

I think the terrorists just mistook the world trade center for an airport.

When people ask me what my zodiac sign is I stick out my middle finger.

People say the bible was the first book ever written but I think the first book ever written was "How to write a Bible" by Dr.Phil.

Scientists discovered a new species in the ocean.They call it garbage.

Dracula's favorite victim is a giraffe.

I think bears are cute until the moment of attack.

If you're a worm then you'd better learn how to swin.

I think the reason sharks don't have legs is because they're sharks.

If a poem doesn't rhyme, then you should learn how to read.

I think concrete works better than construction paper.

All flags look the same to a blind man.Pitch black.

If your attack backfires, then you're probably holding the gun the wrong way.

When people say to me "Kyle, you're nuts.".I say "what about 'em?"

I think a line is not considered a line if it looks like this.-~^---~^~~~~-

I think barbers cut hair to get revenge at it.

Grandpa owns the house next to mine, so in about 5 years I'll be my own neighbor.

I think duct tape's initial intention is to make things stick and hold, not be an accomplice in a kidnapping.

If you think you have a third eye and can talk to the dead, then you're probably insane.

I think the triangle was the only shape known to man during the time of the ancient egyptians.

I think card board is a cheap imitation of wood.

I think a chinese restaurant is the worst place to order mexican food.

I think the Titanic slipped on an ice cube.

I think the heart monitor is trying to draw a straight line but something keeps bugging it.

I think if a guy has a certain shortcoming, he should be able to park in the handicaped parking space.

I wish there was a new gentler term for cancer, like "better get a start on that will of yours, buddy."

I think the reason disney created tigger is because they hate taiwanese people.

have you ever been mistaken for an ashtray?

I think barbie would sell huge to a male demographic if the makers would drill a hole in every toy.

I speak 20 different languages.18/20 are made up.

I'd like to hear a Stevie Wonder cover of the song that goes"~I can see clearly now the rain is gone...bright bright sun shiny day~".

I think the terrorist are bombing the wrong places.If I was one I'd bomb the local porn shop in the area.

I wish I could have the chance to hug Oprah because it will be easier to rob her that way than to hold up a gun in her face

I wish there are hotels on the way to the top of mount everest.Makes it much easier to climb or better yet an elevator.

My ultimate goal in life is to go to the moon and take a dump there.

I think Donald Trump is a cheap bastard because he only hires one person on his show.

I think the 700 club needs more followers.

I think the fastest way to stop people from fighting is a hand grenade.

I'm so poor a baseball card is worth more than my credit card.

red plus green is yellow therefore blood plus bugers make piss.

I think the nicest thing to say to overweight people is "what goes up must come down".

If I die young, I'm gonna ask Jesus for a refund.

My girlfriend Debra looks like a cross between a deer and a zebra.

I think I'm too old for playgrounds.

The refrigirator is not a good place to keep your socks.

Have you ever seen a limp statue?

If door knobs were made of butter, that would suck because it'll give you butterfingers.

I'm afraid to cry because I might dehydrate and die.Hey, it rhymes.

I laugh when my mom calls me a son of a b*tch.

I always have a hard time determining if a homeless person is dead or just sleeping.

It's impossible to move mountains but you can always blow them up.

I think a guy named Rob was the first person ever to steal money from a bank.

Journalists are nosey people who likes to look at your
diary while you're not around.

I had my fastest conversation the other day.The phone rang.I picked it up and said "hello" and the guy hung up on me.

There are a lot of things I can't do but inanimate objects can.

I can't whistle but a kettle can.I can't snap but a branch can.I can't strike fear into people's hearts but a bomb can.I can't make a woman cum but a dildo can.

People say "better late than never".I say "better on time than late".

I think people who walk on fire have cold feet.

I think people who lie on a bed of nails can't afford to buy a real bed.

I think we should thank antartica for keeping our beverages cold.

Am I supposed to be proud when my mom calls me special?

I think smoking is the longest form of attempting suicide.

[insert dead celebrity name here] birthday parties sure suck now that he/she/it's dead.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and dont forget to ask for a glass, sugar, a teaspoon...

I think my brain is laughing at me when I masturbate.

People often misunderstand me when I'm talking with a big apple stuck to my mouth.

If you see an angel here on earth that means did something to piss Jesus off.

If a female dog is a b*tch then a male dog must be an asshole.

I think the library is an ideal place for a funeral.

I think a mute guy invented the library.

No matter what you say, you can't piss off a deaf guy.

I think a bed should come with hot chicks when you buy them.

Basketball Players got to ride a rollercoaster at age 3.

I think santa would much rather prefer a red bull over a glass of milk.

If it aint broke, break it then collect the insurance.

I think the worst thing you could say to somebody who has AIDS is "be happy with what you got".

My dad thinks belts are tools for discipline.

I think Michael Jackson is the creepiest soap bar in the planet.

If things are looking ugly, schedule a visit with Dr.Baker.

I think cows are embarrased of cowboys.

I think the camera has the ability to group people together then freeze them for a short period of time.

I think hind legs hurt.

I hate it when my girlfriend gives me the silent treatment but I guess it's kinda hard to talk while you're sucking on a big dick.

I went to see brokeback mountain but I dont know which touched me more, the film or the creepy guy next to me.

If you're friend is an asshole then he should stay away from jail.

I lived in a farm and the first thing I learned to grow there is my hair.

God is dog backwards which explains all the shit he leaves behind for us to clean up like hurricanes and earthquakes.

The kissing booth is a prerequisite for prostitution and so is mechanical bull riding.

Have you ever seen a marginless frame?

My yambag is my achiles heel.

I think penguins can't talk because they're freezing their asses off over there.

The guy who invented AIDS and Cancer is evil.

Are gloves condoms for masturbation?

Women often get mistook for masturbating when really they're just looking for the last piece of chocolate.

Is it gay to hold a man's hand while he's masturbating?

Red means stop.Yellow means get ready.Green means angry, well at least it does to the incredible hulk.

I wish I could keep my poker face on while someone's tickling me.

Tightrope racing is more dangerous than NASCAR.

I like to hang out with my friends but my penis doesn't because he's too shy.

It's a shame that snuff films have no happy endings and no sequels either.*sigh*

Nothing is more random than a fart.