the start of a new day
the blue sky has turned grey
the skyline's a mile high
and it takes longer to die

on the way down
i can see where i'll land
splat on the concrete
as hard as i can

bits of my heart
bits of my brain
no sign of my soul
it ran from the pain

the end of my last day
the blue sky has been grey
i spit my last words
as i talk to the birds

dear sir can
it be made like this look nice still more in the sense.


'bits of my heart
bits of my brain'


splits of my brain.

yours is really a good poem neat and crisp
with greets
supani123@yahoo.com

I think the original is better. It has better rhythm and imagery.

I really hate to critique poems... I think poetry is just as much about the person as it is about the form and the words. Every person being different and unique. Every person having thier own style. The poem being as individual as the person writing it.

In this case I will say : I think Rick is right ... leave it unchanged.