Spirits, sex and religion, my childhood Options

[Jakare]

Spirits, sex and religion, my childhood

Do I want to write this?... Should I tell everyone who wants to read it about the dark paths I have walked through?... Will they find it helpful at all?... Would that make them love me maybe?... Do I need such love? Well, I do not need it but, honestly, that doesn´t prenvent me from wishing it.
Yes, like everyone else I want to be loved and I wonder whether if letting you in my world would do exactly the opposite.
If you find some of my experiences disgusting let me bring to your attention its my life what I´m talking about not a imaginary story made with the purpose to please anyone.

Firstly, a brief historical perspective. That was Spain on the late seventies where I was born at. The country was slowly starting to rise up its economy after 36 years of dictatorial government. Of course some places did so slower than others and a migration from the inner towns and little villages took place headed to the flourishing tourism industry at the coast and the promising big cities. My parents were two of those migrants and they headed to the coast.

I can perfectly remember the day we moved into the flat where I was going to be grown up. I was 3 years old and maybe a little bit on shock (that’s why I can remember). Our front door neighbour’s son tried to keep me distracted while my parents carried our belongings up to the steers. From that point till my seventh birthday there isn´t much more to tell apart that I was a normal handsome little boy, that my parents fought a lot, I gained some weigh and had some recurrent scary nightmares at which I couldn´t move and get visited by spirits. I can tell you they weren´t nice at all. At first I used to scream for my daddy but after some time I realized there was very little they could do so I stopped calling them and never comment about the nightmares again.

As you can imagine, those nightmares made me prone to believe in after live, spirits and all sort of strange things. More or less when I was seven my father got in contact with Jehovah´s witnesses. He was a good but naïve person and carried all the family in to the sect. At first my mum tried to resist but finally gave up and I started to get instructed on the bible from the particular point of view of jehova witnesses´ sect. I was just seven and was my own father who first taught me all that crap… and I believed it, I believed it by heart from A to Z.
As a part of my initiation I was asked to stop to frequently visit my non JW friends, and so I did, you see I was such a good boy. But besides of doing so I developed an important skill that will show itself most useful in the future. I learned to say good bye. I´m pretty sure they didn´t expect that skill to be used against them, but life is a F**KING b*tch, isn´t she. Oh! But talking about F**KING…

Does faith exist?

To be continued?…

[Flex]

Get to the sex!

[Jakare]

Ouch! I thought it was going to be easier to write about it but is still hurting.

The fact is when I was about 8 I was, technically, molested. I said technically because although he was 6 years older than me, from my point of view he was just my first lover. Don´t get me wrong I had to face too much too soon. No one is ready at that age to face the emotions I had to confront. Fortunately, or unfortunately, he was such a prick, such an asshole, such a mean bastard it was practically impossible to fell in love with him. Later in my life I could enjoy being in love for the first time with a more appropriate person. Anyway he was handsome, actually too handsome and our relationship lasted for about 4 years, but for some reason I have developed a taste for manly charactered men and most often older than me.
But do you know what is really hurting me? I didn´t feel abused at all until JW told me so. Because they found out, oh yes, they found it out later on when I was about 16, just cheer my teen years up.

By now you should be asking yourselves how I did manage the contradiction of being sexually active and a future JW. At first I wasn´t aware of any contradiction, I was only 8, remember? Even there were some other boys at the church that showed some sexual interest for me. But when I finally realized, well, “quite badly” draws it perfectly. A savage inner fight took most of the happiness those years should have brought to me. Blame, shame, guilt and isolation (you´re not like the other boys, you´ve done it) took its place. With time I manage to put distance between me and my ¿lover? ¿molester? And tried to be a good Christian, what I accomplished at last or sort off at least but then…
Then they found out, ironically I had just achieve some balance to keep myself "“pure"” though quite depressed.
My parents were specifically told to not to take me to any psychologist as such, otherwise responsible, action could finish with the psychologist making me accept my nature. Besides all that distress, they took me to a sort off church´s court where they did not hesitate on telling me, bible on hand, how disgusting and despicable my behaviour was and that if we were on Jesus´ time they would be bound to kill me by lapidation but as god is so loving and merciful they were not to expel me but I was going to be censured in public instead. They told to me, obviously for my protection, homosexual people are bound to get AIDS and all sort of terrible STDs and to end by lonely dead without hope of afterlife or god’s forgiveness (blatant F**KING liars) remember please I believed all they said from A to Z. As much that kind they were with a 16 years old boy.

[Jakare]

luckily enough I discovered the joy of reading when i was about 10 or so. Such activity kept my intelect alive in those important years where the brain greatly developes itself in answer of external stimulus, as it always does. It could have died of starvation otherwise.
My poor father allowed me to do so because he didn´t realized at that moment non JW books could be so dangerous, so evil and, as horrible as it sounds, give you a brief glance of how people lives outside their holy organization. They were my scape.

Anyway, I recommend to everybody to watch the movie "The forest" by Mr. Night Shyamalan. A beautiful metaphor about sects.

The spirits kept torturing me although slowly i started to get used to them and ocasionally manage to fought them back. It seemed to me at that time it existed a undeterminate variety of ghost and spirits with different strengh and inteligence. The spiritual fauna i called it. What were they anyway? JW don´t believe on dead people´s spirits so they only could be demons, if it wasn´t by the fact they didn´t look like demons at all and i got visited even by some pet´s spirits. Like if i haven´t already had enough to ponder about...

For several years, from about my 12-13 to my 19, I remained untouch, avoiding having sex. Yes, so boring and depressing it was. Until a happy day...well you know, the weakness of flesh, the nature´s call, my little friend feels funny, the itching...well you know...

I suppose it was bound to happen. Finally a gorgeous person (outside and inside) offered a helping hand and I could not resist.
"Oh no! I did it again","I cheated myself, F**K, F**K, F**K" I really dreaded remorse and guilt. I didn´t want to pass through all that again...
And guess what? It never happened, I was there lying on my bed not yet convinced i was not feeling remorse at all. Honestly I have had never felt better in years. I couldn´t feel anything wrong with me. My body and my mind were telling me i just did the right thing. I was "pure", happy, brilliant, intelligent and a good person even though, or better said "precisely because", accepting me as homosexual.
That was a revelation and a very special moment of my life i wanted to share with you.
It does feel like being released from great pression, a heavy charge or a housing tax.

[Magister Hayk]

The spirits kept torturing me although slowly i started to get used to them and ocasionally manage to fought them back. It seemed to me at that time it existed a undeterminate variety of ghost and spirits with different strengh and inteligence. The spiritual fauna i called it. What were they anyway? JW don´t believe on dead people´s spirits so they only could be demons, if it wasn´t by the fact they didn´t look like demons at all and i got visited even by some pet´s spirits. Like if i haven´t already had enough to ponder about...

Can you please describe how do you see them. E.g. in day time or you see blurring images at twilight.
And have you noted when you started to note existence of those entities?

[Magister Hayk]

I can explain you quite many interestings things concerning JW if you wish.

[Jakare]

The spirits kept torturing me although slowly i started to get used to them and ocasionally manage to fought them back. It seemed to me at that time it existed a undeterminate variety of ghost and spirits with different strengh and inteligence. The spiritual fauna i called it. What were they anyway? JW don´t believe on dead people´s spirits so they only could be demons, if it wasn´t by the fact they didn´t look like demons at all and i got visited even by some pet´s spirits. Like if i haven´t already had enough to ponder about...

Can you please describe how do you see them. E.g. in day time or you see blurring images at twilight.
And have you noted when you started to note existence of those entities?

You would be pleased soon. I´m at work right now and haven´t got the time. Keyword=hypnagogic dreams.

I can explain you quite many interestings things concerning JW if you wish.

It´s going to be hard to surprise me, i tell you that.

[Magister Hayk]

Well, I shall return to the discussion when your time permits.

Thank you for the keyword.

Have a nice day.

[Flex]

Great story! You should really consider an autobiography. It takes a lot of courage to come out with the honest truth, and your story could help thousands of people in your same position.

I can see an international best seller in the making. It would be wonderful to show that it is a global reality, not just an American one as it is often portrayed.

BTW it was Gay Day at Disney Land yesterday while I was there! It was awesome

Oh and one of my favorite books: http://www.amazon.com/When-You-Are-Engulfe...s/dp/0316143472

I highly recommend it to you if you have not yet read it!

[Jakare]

Great story! You should really consider an autobiography. It takes a lot of courage to come out with the honest truth, and your story could help thousands of people in your same position.

Is that so? It probably takes a lot of bravery to do it, if you are using your real name I mean. Using my nick Jakare and my avatar is not exactly like posing naked on playboy.

I can see an international best seller in the making. It would be wonderful to show that it is a global reality, not just an American one as it is often portrayed.

And you´re saying that without knowing i kept to myself most of the filthy details...

BTW it was Gay Day at Disney Land yesterday while I was there! It was awesome

Did you dare to use "Disney" and "Gay" on the same sentence?

Oh and one of my favorite books: http://www.amazon.com/When-You-Are-Engulfe...s/dp/0316143472

I highly recommend it to you if you have not yet read it!

Just been reading the book. It´s weird.

Can you please describe how do you see them. E.g. in day time or you see blurring images at twilight.
And have you noted when you started to note existence of those entities?

If you´ve been researching "hypnagogic dreams" you´ve already got the idea. When did i start to see them? Can´t tell you, probably little after moving to that apartment when i was 3 years old and for your information, last time i saw one was about 3 or 4 years ago coinciding with the onset of my also last depresion.
Just to let it clear I don´t give a shit anymore about their real existence as the more depressed i was the more often they showed their ass on my bedroom. It´s easily comprehensible i was under quite emotional pressure along my childhood and teenage. Interesting enough there is some genetical predisposition as my brother told me he experienced similar things and my father reported at least a couple of "astral travels" which i have experienced aswell (INMHO mind delusion), as it´s interesting aswell the more stable emotionally the less they appeared and the more i could fight back and kick their asses (with my mind power )as soon as i notice them.

[Magister Hayk]

It was interesting for me to know after what kind of event the shift in sensoric perception happened that triggered the shift in the cognition of the holographic reality.

Thank you for highlighting that issue.

Good wishes.