Spirits, sex and religion, my childhood Options

[Jakare]

Spirits, sex and religion, my childhood

Do I want to write this?... Should I tell everyone who wants to read it about the dark paths I have walked through?... Will they find it helpful at all?... Would that make them love me maybe?... Do I need such love? Well, I do not need it but, honestly, that doesn´t prenvent me from wishing it.
Yes, like everyone else I want to be loved and I wonder whether if letting you in my world would do exactly the opposite.
If you find some of my experiences disgusting let me bring to your attention its my life what I´m talking about not a imaginary story made with the purpose to please anyone.

Firstly, a brief historical perspective. That was Spain on the late seventies where I was born at. The country was slowly starting to rise up its economy after 36 years of dictatorial government. Of course some places did so slower than others and a migration from the inner towns and little villages took place headed to the flourishing tourism industry at the coast and the promising big cities. My parents were two of those migrants and they headed to the coast.

I can perfectly remember the day we moved into the flat where I was going to be grown up. I was 3 years old and maybe a little bit on shock (that’s why I can remember). Our front door neighbour’s son tried to keep me distracted while my parents carried our belongings up to the steers. From that point till my seventh birthday there isn´t much more to tell apart that I was a normal handsome little boy, that my parents fought a lot, I gained some weigh and had some recurrent scary nightmares at which I couldn´t move and get visited by spirits. I can tell you they weren´t nice at all. At first I used to scream for my daddy but after some time I realized there was very little they could do so I stopped calling them and never comment about the nightmares again.

As you can imagine, those nightmares made me prone to believe in after live, spirits and all sort of strange things. More or less when I was seven my father got in contact with Jehovah´s witnesses. He was a good but naïve person and carried all the family in to the sect. At first my mum tried to resist but finally gave up and I started to get instructed on the bible from the particular point of view of jehova witnesses´ sect. I was just seven and was my own father who first taught me all that crap… and I believed it, I believed it by heart from A to Z.
As a part of my initiation I was asked to stop to frequently visit my non JW friends, and so I did, you see I was such a good boy. But besides of doing so I developed an important skill that will show itself most useful in the future. I learned to say good bye. I´m pretty sure they didn´t expect that skill to be used against them, but life is a F**KING b*tch, isn´t she. Oh! But talking about F**KING…

Does faith exist?

To be continued?…

[Jakare]

luckily enough I discovered the joy of reading when i was about 10 or so. Such activity kept my intelect alive in those important years where the brain greatly developes itself in answer of external stimulus, as it always does. It could have died of starvation otherwise.
My poor father allowed me to do so because he didn´t realized at that moment non JW books could be so dangerous, so evil and, as horrible as it sounds, give you a brief glance of how people lives outside their holy organization. They were my scape.

Anyway, I recommend to everybody to watch the movie "The forest" by Mr. Night Shyamalan. A beautiful metaphor about sects.

The spirits kept torturing me although slowly i started to get used to them and ocasionally manage to fought them back. It seemed to me at that time it existed a undeterminate variety of ghost and spirits with different strengh and inteligence. The spiritual fauna i called it. What were they anyway? JW don´t believe on dead people´s spirits so they only could be demons, if it wasn´t by the fact they didn´t look like demons at all and i got visited even by some pet´s spirits. Like if i haven´t already had enough to ponder about...

For several years, from about my 12-13 to my 19, I remained untouch, avoiding having sex. Yes, so boring and depressing it was. Until a happy day...well you know, the weakness of flesh, the nature´s call, my little friend feels funny, the itching...well you know...

I suppose it was bound to happen. Finally a gorgeous person (outside and inside) offered a helping hand and I could not resist.
"Oh no! I did it again","I cheated myself, F**K, F**K, F**K" I really dreaded remorse and guilt. I didn´t want to pass through all that again...
And guess what? It never happened, I was there lying on my bed not yet convinced i was not feeling remorse at all. Honestly I have had never felt better in years. I couldn´t feel anything wrong with me. My body and my mind were telling me i just did the right thing. I was "pure", happy, brilliant, intelligent and a good person even though, or better said "precisely because", accepting me as homosexual.
That was a revelation and a very special moment of my life i wanted to share with you.
It does feel like being released from great pression, a heavy charge or a housing tax.