Mackerel Sky Options

[+Steven Curtis Lance]

Mackerel Sky

Under this mackerel sky you and I
Wonder about where Lent and Advent went
Where do the days go when they have gone by?
Maybe like us they retire to repent

All I ask of God is that he love me
(I rather think he already loves you)
Here with this mackerel sky above me
I really have no idea what to do

Apparently I should write poetry
Because when I do all my words feel true
And that must mean something (at least to me)
Is there some meaning here I fail to see?

It hurts so much to be an outsider
Alone since you do not really exist
But as an idea muse and provider
Of grist for the mill by which I persist

Although it seems odd: perhaps you are God
Imagined by this existentialist
And if you are I suppose we are friends
So it could be you exist after all
Since means never make as much sense as ends

I fell yet still feel a long way to fall
My chaste superego's chastening rod
Hurts so much I wonder how I can bear
Being here anymore (or anywhere)

I grow this poem xylem and phloem
Wondering why I do anything: yet
Somehow I want to live and leave a mark
If but a broken token of regret

Written up as an obsessive poem
Written down there to get or to forget
What I really mean: that I am afraid!
That I find my life meaningless! And yet...
When I am gone my say will have been said

But for the fact I know not what to say
My life feels barely bearable today
I try so hard to live a life somehow
And have not yet found what it takes to die

I wanted to ask those I loved and lost
Why everything had to be as it was
That most obvious question which is "Why?"
Yet could not afford to because it cost
Them everything they had to live and die

I never wanted to be a bother
And yet I wonder if they knew: do you?
If you are God then are you my father
Origin destiny ultimate cause?

A father who is also my lover?
And do you wonder under this sky too?
I am alone as I remain unknown
If you are my Comforter come: hover

Come: and love me among the broken stone
Of this heart where you could set up your throne
Where you could reign within this vacancy
If ever I needed you it is now

There is only love left here: all past hate
Has eaten its way acidic through me
I am a scarred monster: is it too late?
I am a scared man: heal and seal my fate

I love you God (and I need you to be)
I want this to mean something in the end
I am lost here alone: no other friend
I love you God (would you take care of me?)

There is no one else here: I am alone
Unless you see through the mackerel sky
And know me as I wish that I were known
We are alone now: only you and I
To tend these broken bottles of the heart

God let my sickness end your healing start
To mend this heart I had such high hopes for
I love you God (how I need you to be!)
I just want you to love me: nothing more

Father? I love you (but do you love me?)

Underneath me the everlasting arms
Are obfuscated by anaesthetic
I comfort myself with counterfeit charms
Some intellectual some aesthetic
But under this mackerel sky I dare
To walk on the water believe you care
And hope you will rescue me sinking there

Father! I love you (and yes you love me)

+Steven Curtis Lance



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