Stupidist Jokes, Got any really stupid jokes to share? Options

[Joesus]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the

holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving

very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"







"Like I'm talking to a wall."

[Joesus]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep

your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."



The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes

followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a

hundred pieces.

"SHIT !" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back

[Joesus]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent."

[Joesus]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.
I Just cant take that chance!"

[Dan]

I've noticed a lot of the wife (or woman) nagging theme in your jokes. Past karma?

[Joesus]

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart...
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the
doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,the heart opened,
and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted

[Dan]

It might be even funnier to say the second doctor is a proctologist.

[KoolK3n]

What is the meaning of life?

Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

[RenaissanceMan]

I'l (sic) give you an intelligent Joke

Right. He'll just tell it like a lame-o.

What's the smartest thing thats (sic) ever come out of a womans (sic) mouth?
Einstiens (sic) Cock (sic).

Zing!

No offense ladies, my masculenity's (sic) still threatened by the days of elementry (sic) school when the girls were all smarter than me...Ok fine! Everyone was. But you still looked better that (sic) me!

Everyone is still smarter than you, obviously.

[Joesus]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.


He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time

in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we

had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[Joesus]

Ear Infection



A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

[Joesus]

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[Joesus]

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F*cking' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[Joesus]

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other what life after death was like. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all .

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion . . . Marion "



"Is that you, Bob?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed . "

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon . After supper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night . I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Arizona "

[Joesus]

Good medical advice

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful
if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat to much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ...
Fasting is good for health
&
may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind....

[Joesus]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his
preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

“Actually, I have two questions:

First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, what the f _ _ k happened to Walter?"

[Joesus]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life,
the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and
he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the
rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser
when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit...

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!'

[Joesus]

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'



Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'



The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'



The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a

new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,

so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda

Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'

The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[P JayS]

When angry hockey players come back to play are they happy? That depends whether they come out swinging or not.

I remember when i used to play hockey for free. Do you?

[Joesus]

A professor at the University of Wisconsin Medical School was giving
a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom ............

[Joesus]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.

Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

[Joesus]

Warning about eBay

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $95 plus sales tax on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

[Joesus]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with

the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.



Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Michael, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and

she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Michael, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, " Michael, Michael relax buddy, don't

get upset.We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Michael."



Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman,

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how

loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Michael is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."



"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Michael .......the little shit's name is Kevin."

[Joesus]

Born a Lutheran

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But all of Ole's
neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton , and was causing such a problem for the

Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Ole and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran,
and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was
called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement. There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz
born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye."