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> Ego death progression?, Ego Death
bubbletea
post Mar 20, 2010, 10:10 PM
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Hey all,

I recently went through ego death due to trauma. It forced me to see through my own impurities and shed my personality, worldview, self, and essentially everything about me.

I have been in the fully egoless state for two weeks now, but it has made my life nothing but difficult.

I have no emotions, wants, desires, needs, pressures, priorities, attachments, anything.

I am simply placid and content all the time.

But due to this, I never know what day it is, have a hard time carrying out tasks, can't take in new information, can't really converse with people, and have trouble making new memories. Moreover, my old memories are harder and harder to access with each day, and they seem like grainy snapshots without any emotional contagion.

I had to drop out of grad school, break up with my girlfriend, and essentially give up everything in my life because of this. The worst part was I didn't even notice when it was gone.

In this state, you could drop me off in the desert with nothing more than myself and a piece of string and I'd be content.

I'm wondering...will my ego ever return? Will I ever develop a new ego? Will I ever feel any sort of desire or attachment for anything?

It simply feels like living in some sort of strange existentialist void.

Which would be great had I been trying to achieve this, but I'd really like to "go back to sleep" - my life was fine before, and I had a great relationship with my ego.

This was just a mishap for a non-spiritual person...

Any information on how this progresses would be greatly appreciated.
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Rick
post Mar 22, 2010, 08:00 AM
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Can you tell us about the trauma? The mind and body naturally tend to heal and return to equilibrium.
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Joesus
post Mar 22, 2010, 08:55 AM
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QUOTE(bubbletea @ Mar 21, 2010, 06:10 AM) *

Hey all,

I recently went through ego death due to trauma. It forced me to see through my own impurities and shed my personality, worldview, self, and essentially everything about me.

I have been in the fully egoless state for two weeks now, but it has made my life nothing but difficult.

I have no emotions, wants, desires, needs, pressures, priorities, attachments, anything.

I am simply placid and content all the time.

But due to this, I never know what day it is, have a hard time carrying out tasks, can't take in new information, can't really converse with people, and have trouble making new memories. Moreover, my old memories are harder and harder to access with each day, and they seem like grainy snapshots without any emotional contagion.

I had to drop out of grad school, break up with my girlfriend, and essentially give up everything in my life because of this. The worst part was I didn't even notice when it was gone.

In this state, you could drop me off in the desert with nothing more than myself and a piece of string and I'd be content.

I'm wondering...will my ego ever return? Will I ever develop a new ego? Will I ever feel any sort of desire or attachment for anything?

It simply feels like living in some sort of strange existentialist void.

Which would be great had I been trying to achieve this, but I'd really like to "go back to sleep" - my life was fine before, and I had a great relationship with my ego.

This was just a mishap for a non-spiritual person...

Any information on how this progresses would be greatly appreciated.

Ego death does not leave you complacent. You are describing an altered state of mind. You're ego is still intact.
Wait for it...

Are you on any medications?
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Jakare
post Mar 23, 2010, 05:00 PM
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As Rick said, what kind of trauma did you suffer? emotional or physical?

Im not the smartest person arround here but it seems like a neural problem on the left hemisphere, a deep post-traumatic shock or learned helplessnes. As you said this is really messing up you life (and thats one of the main red lights you have to pay attention to), if there was a call for that and you thougth you needed a change its ok as long as you came back to a normal function in a few days. If there wasnt a call for that please explain all your symptoms to a psychologist (a cognitive-behavioral one) as soon as posible to avoid a chronic development.

If its from a physical trauma and you still didnt, check with a neurologist.

IMO, as long theres not illnes envolved, personal crysis can be quite positive and help on self-development.
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cheekyleopard
post Apr 11, 2010, 12:27 AM
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Hi bubbletea,

Im going to share something very personal here - something i wouldnt share with strangers in 3D, but i havent nothing to lose here.
And maybe what i share you maybe be able to relate, even slightly.

Well im 34 years old now, a male from england.

4 years ago i had a massive breakdown. I woke up screaming, totally out of control.
At first i didnt know what the hell had happened.
(This is a very long story, but ill keep it as short as possible - mainly because im tired lol).

Well 4 years on and ive found that i was dissociated from trauma my whole life. Ive had black-outs, Mri scans, ct scan, blood tests, seen specilaists in the brain and mind - and they agree that i was traumatised as a child.

As ive progressed during my recovery of memories and healing, everything in my life has disappeared.

My friends are no longer in my life.
I sold my house, motorbike and everything id worked for.
I havent been able to work or socialise in 4 years - this is how extreme its been.

Im stripped totally bare in every sense.
I see now that everything that i was atracted too and attached too was in some way related to the trauma i suffered. (including friends and people i spent time with).
For me - losing attachment puts me in control for the first time.

I thought id lost my sense of self, but actually im clearing away everything i thought was me to allow the real me to appear and grow.

I look at it like an amazing journey. Incredibly hard but worthwhile.
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floating on
post Mar 24, 2011, 11:44 AM
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Bubbletea,

About 8 years ago, I experienced my first, and worst experience with ego death due to a childhood trauma. I am 25 now, and have been recently experiencing them again for the first time since. I feel as if I have a better understanding of it now...and I'm able to "anchor myself down" if you will...so I will offer my story as an attempt to assist you in yours.

It began while I was taking a shower, and I looked at my hand. Suddenly I felt as if everything I was perceiving was enhanced. I was more in tune to everything. My thoughts were racing. I was terrified. I was thinking things I've never thought before. Questioning reality. Questioning my existence. What am I seeing? What is real? I would find myself looking at people whom I've known my entire life, and not recognizing their faces. Not being able to connect any kind of familiarity when I saw them.

I would have out of body experiences, feeling like everything I was seeing was not really there. That I was not in a 3D world, but rather looking at a flat surface in front of my similar to a movie screen, that could easily shut off at any moment. I felt as if I was existing in a blank room behind all of the distractions that existed in front of my face. This terrified me. I didn't know, or understand what was happening to me. I thought I was going crazy. It was almost as if I was having a bad high, and could not come out of it.

I stayed here for almost 6 months. Nothing mattered anymore. I thought I had opened the door to some realization that was so huge, and so enlightening/terrifying at the same time and everyone else around me was just lost in their false perceptions of whats real and whats not. I wanted to "go back asleep", like you. I wanted to be distracted. I didn't want access to these thoughts/realizations of my reality. No one could understand what I was going through. I couldn't even explain it correctly. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and put on anti-depressants.

I am not exactly sure what brought me out of this state 8 years ago...but eventually, I "came back". I don't know if it was due to the pills I was taking, or the treatment I was in. I guess I kind of blacked this out due to how traumatic of an experience it was. I felt like I was on auto-pilot for half a year.

Lately, I have found myself slipping into this altered state again. I find solace in telling myself that whatever I am experiencing, or scratching the surface of is very important, but I talk myself into not losing sight of the reality that I am still in. It's almost as if I have one foot in this reality, and one foot in another. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way again as I did before experiencing my ego death, but if I start to lose that will to carry out things that seemingly do not matter anymore....I just kind of go with the motions until I somewhat feel it again. Until it becomes "normal" again.

Maybe seeing a therapist would not be a bad idea to start. But find some kind of "anchor" that can bring you back down. Something that you can still connect to this reality and find any kind of "importance" in. At this moment, mine is my nephew.

I wish you luck, and hope you find some kind of peace with this. Research it more, and talk about it with people who have experienced the same thing. There is a reason for feeling this way, but while we are still in this reality, we need to find a way to carry on in it.
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Sringwind
post Apr 15, 2014, 01:04 PM
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QUOTE(bubbletea @ Mar 21, 2010, 06:10 AM) *

Hey all,

I recently went through ego death due to trauma. It forced me to see through my own impurities and shed my personality, worldview, self, and essentially everything about me.

I have been in the fully egoless state for two weeks now, but it has made my life nothing but difficult.

I have no emotions, wants, desires, needs, pressures, priorities, attachments, anything.

I am simply placid and content all the time.

But due to this, I never know what day it is, have a hard time carrying out tasks, can't take in new information, can't really converse with people, and have trouble making new memories. Moreover, my old memories are harder and harder to access with each day, and they seem like grainy snapshots without any emotional contagion.

I had to drop out of grad school, break up with my girlfriend, and essentially give up everything in my life because of this. The worst part was I didn't even notice when it was gone.

In this state, you could drop me off in the desert with nothing more than myself and a piece of string and I'd be content.

I'm wondering...will my ego ever return? Will I ever develop a new ego? Will I ever feel any sort of desire or attachment for anything?

It simply feels like living in some sort of strange existentialist void.

Which would be great had I been trying to achieve this, but I'd really like to "go back to sleep" - my life was fine before, and I had a great relationship with my ego.

This was just a mishap for a non-spiritual person...

Any information on how this progresses would be greatly appreciated.



Bubbletea! Are you still here??? Would love to speak to you.
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addseo1118
post May 24, 2015, 01:43 AM
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It was almost as if I was having a bad high, and could not come out of it.
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jayroaixon
post Jul 03, 2015, 08:12 PM
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Yes, the ego cannot die, per se. It is a fundamental structure/part of human consciousness and allows us to have an embodied human experience as a singular self. Without it you would be pure awareness and completely unable to function at all in human form, thus, it is not possible to lose the ego while in 'alive'. Only to transcend it, but to do that is to transcend physical form, which of course, you have not done, I presume, if you are posting in this forum... : )
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hellome
post Nov 03, 2016, 06:16 AM
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hi, are you still struggling with this? can anyone who has/is experiencing this message me?
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hellome
post Nov 03, 2016, 06:18 AM
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QUOTE(Sringwind @ Apr 15, 2014, 01:04 PM) *

QUOTE(bubbletea @ Mar 21, 2010, 06:10 AM) *

Hey all,

I recently went through ego death due to trauma. It forced me to see through my own impurities and shed my personality, worldview, self, and essentially everything about me.

I have been in the fully egoless state for two weeks now, but it has made my life nothing but difficult.

I have no emotions, wants, desires, needs, pressures, priorities, attachments, anything.

I am simply placid and content all the time.

But due to this, I never know what day it is, have a hard time carrying out tasks, can't take in new information, can't really converse with people, and have trouble making new memories. Moreover, my old memories are harder and harder to access with each day, and they seem like grainy snapshots without any emotional contagion.

I had to drop out of grad school, break up with my girlfriend, and essentially give up everything in my life because of this. The worst part was I didn't even notice when it was gone.

In this state, you could drop me off in the desert with nothing more than myself and a piece of string and I'd be content.

I'm wondering...will my ego ever return? Will I ever develop a new ego? Will I ever feel any sort of desire or attachment for anything?

It simply feels like living in some sort of strange existentialist void.

Which would be great had I been trying to achieve this, but I'd really like to "go back to sleep" - my life was fine before, and I had a great relationship with my ego.

This was just a mishap for a non-spiritual person...

Any information on how this progresses would be greatly appreciated.



Bubbletea! Are you still here??? Would love to speak to you.


hi i am experiencing this same thing, please PM me
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oselala
post Jan 11, 2017, 12:11 PM
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I've been experiencing this as well, for an entire year now. I quit my phd program and went and traveled through central and south america for two months and basically cried my way through 4 countries. I'm exhausted. I'm also trying to rebuild who I am.

Like some of you mentioned, I had a childhood trauma which I'd structured my life around and it was a false self. When I had the trauma last year (I actually feel I was led, or led myself into the trauma) I recovered who I was, who I lost, when the childhood trauma had happened at age 4. It was like a piece of my soul had returned to me and the old self had died. But the old self is taking a long time to purge.

Lately I feel the alterations happening on the physical level; I'm coming into contact with the ways my body stored the old trauma, the tensions I feel in social situations, the isolation and ways I hold my physical body as if to protect myself from another trauma (or retroactively from the one I experienced). I feel like sleeping all the time but I have insomnia often. Its like I'm partly on a loop that keeps replaying that I've experienced (both the original trauma and the one last year).

I've tried really hard to work with it, not trying to block it. But I've also wanted my life back. I converted to Buddhism. Having that sense of community has helped. I'm starting to see a therapist and get some body and energy work done, like Polarity and Reiki, and I'm going to try EMDR therapy. I think my "animal brain" is having a hard time processing what happened. Spiritually I feel new, like fresh and clean like a baby.

Emotionally I'm also very vulnerable and get drained easily by other people's energy fields. Many people tell me now that my energy affects them positively. Strangers go out of their way to be nice to me or talk to me or compliment me. I know something really big happened. I just wish I felt secure and stable and not so exhausted! I want to enjoy the positive side, but the healing is taking a lot longer. I've had people tell me to not fight the healing process, that fighting it just slows it down. I find seeking out different healing modalities is also helpful, but at times I just want to go like of an island and listen to the wind for the rest of my life! I'm really hoping the EMDR will be a way for me to release the huge amounts of anxiety I generally feel.
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Joesus
post Jan 12, 2017, 08:43 AM
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For every one that projects a healing.. there is a subjective idea that, that someone believes in an ideal healed goal. Most haven't reached the goal or subjective ideal but they believe the goal is real, simply because they cannot accept their reality as it's experienced.

The fact is, Consciousness as a subjective reality based on conditioning, is relative to those who build reality thru belief. In other words, when you look outside and label reality, it is done by the ego. E-G-O Everything-Goes-Outward, meaning the senses are outwardly engaged and reflected thru the minds past experiences and identifications as they are collected from the past; regardless of whether its their past as experienced or the past of others as it is written in some format and labeled as truth or scientific fact.

There are plenty of morons out there who are obsessed with the idea that Consciousness, being relative to false impressions or mistakes of nature, such as bad DNA, or even location of birth and bad parenting makes everyone a victim to circumstance.

Who or what then is the authority over all within the universe, which creates and structures reality as it is created and experienced?

Religion will tell you its God, or some kind of Supreme Being that creates with expectations and desires.

Relative science believes in the random occurrences of subjective conditions, that may be able to be deconstructed and therefor lead one to an answer (based on the state of mind and the direction one takes in the deconstruction process). Which invariably leads to some kind of hypothesis that unless one determines an absolute fixed reality with absolute processes and outcomes, (and subjectively speaking) one can isolate the authoritative reality and knowledge of truth, all subjective outcomes must be quantified by peer acceptance and confirmation. Basically meaning reality is a democratically defined issue based on who has the loudest and most commanding voice.

Modern physics says there are properties within the Universe that are malleable and influenced by our thoughts. Which is something that Spiritual Science has been speaking towards for thousands of years. Which kind of leads to the idea that what we focus on grows, or said in another way, what we see appears to be in accord with how we want to see the world and ourselves.

Based on sciences that study reincarnation, or the oddity of children born in the world with memories of having been in another body and having families still in existence as they died and were reborn. Suggest that as they investigate their past life and meet their previous incarnations families, and recount with accuracy their life memories finding hidden artifacts that they placed within their families home that were unknown to the surviving relatives, that consciousness survives death and precedes birth....

Spiritual science then would be in agreement with physics and the theory of the observer affect, in that consciousness or awareness has an affect not only on what we see, but even what we create in ourselves prior to birth. Nothing is ever wrong unless we misunderstand reality and follow an idea that something else must be more real than what we reject.
It also suggests that reality cannot be understood without first meeting the creator or even the observer that is objective rather than subjective. Such an objective observer must be able to observe without relative conditioning or belief, or without an ego which subjectively defines reality according to right and wrong or influences of the past, based on ones own beliefs or the beliefs of others.

Such a method of observance requires a different set of senses that aren't subjectively influence by the outward going senses of conditioning.

In other words, the mind must be used as something other than a receiver for the signals sent by popular opinion and re-tuned to the consciousness which created the world prior to subjective conditioning.

Scripture such as the Christian Bible speaks of the "Beast" categorized by the number 666.

Religion has a poor reputation of sensationalizing everything into outward definitions and icons such as the opposite of God or the Devil.

In a dual reality where there are opposites such as light and dark, hot and cold, everything has an application, yet religion often takes things to extremes because of fear and ignorance.

If you study the spiritual reality of the "Beast" it really describes the worship of authority without having any experience of anything yourself. In other words, if someone grows up in life accepting what they are told by their parents and peers, accepting what is put before them as truth of reality and the world without having experienced it themselves or experiencing such truths thru self exploration, then they are the property of the "Beast" or the authority as it is accepted outside of their own abilities to experience and understand directly.

The majority of people are taught from birth how to listen and accept what is told to them. Few if any are actually taught to explore themselves and their abilities to understand and comprehend their own senses, strengths or powers of observance. Intuition is never an option unless it is something that is democratically determined and validated, meaning you can't know anything, unless it is verified and validated by a group of people who are part of the system that validates truth and reality.

To become ego-less is to truly understand the nature of the ego and what it was designed for. It has become the master of consciousness rather than the servant to it in the waking state, and in the majority of the world today.

A point of fact: the above testimonies inclusive of confusion and fear are ego based. Only the ego can decide to make fear, and discomfort of reality real. The True Self has no inclination to reside in that idea. It (SELF) can create anything, but it in no sense of reality becomes that any more than you could get absorbed entirely into a movie scene and never return to your sense of sitting in the seat at the movie theater, or lose your sense of self as the observer in the seat.

The above descriptions of ego death are illusions of reality and the ego of the author has in both cases identified what has happened according to its best idea to come to grips with a meaning that suits it.

Science doesn't accept psychology as a science because nothing repeatable in one person is seen as a constant, since the mind of every individual is seen as subjective to his or her surroundings and programs.

Spiritual science however identifies commonalities within experiences of the senses when they are both turned outward on thoughts of the past identifications and separated by individuality and belief; where two or more people can look at one event while having completely different experiences, as the product of the ego.
It can also predict when an individual has reached the horizon of the ego and approach the ego-less state of mind when the common experience of the limitless self emerges regardless of descriptive discrepancies due to resonance with something bigger than individuality.

That resonance with the absolute is the key to releasing ones self/ego with any idea one has of being either broken or perfect within the boundaries of relative duality.

Another point in fact: NO EXPERIENCE can contain or label the Self or ego-less SELF. Reason being that the infinite Self, is infinite. No matter how many times you approach it, the only thing consistent is that it is there, but any experience is going to change according to the state of the mind and body when approaching it.

Like the saying goes: You can never step in the same river twice. Anything that is constantly active is going to change. A river is constantly moving and all the molecules in it are changing as it moves. Try to step in the movement of molecules, and it will not be in the same place or within the same conditions.
Your mind is like a river as well. It is never in the same place at any time regardless of any similarities in experience. And your mind is not your brain. Your brain can sit in your skull for the duration of your life, but your mind does no such thing.
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